Saturday, August 23, 2014

Surviving Narcissistic Sociopathic Abuse

I've read the stories of survivors speaking about their ordeal.  The lengths the narcissistic sociopathic abuser will go to torment their prey.  Thankfully, I can say there have been no court dates since January.  I cringe writing that - fearing somehow I've tempted fate and the court will send me a court notice for a visitation hearing.  There was a long dry spell of my abuser not contacting me except when he picked up Tot and that was only long enough for Tot to slip out the door before I shut it and locked it tight - watching to make sure he gets him safely in his car.  No one can really explain the anxiety that goes along with this type of survival.  I'd love to scream "It's over!"  In fact, my spirit wants so very bad for that to be the case.  Even through the dry spell, I'd check the mail for a court notice.  It's really about me getting in the mind of my abuser to see what steps he might take next because it's not over.  He still wants contact with me and I still vehemently fight it.  I blocked him from texting and / or calling me on my cell phone.  Thank God for the iPhone that affords me the luxury of blocking a caller. 

Then I read more stories so similar to mine.  Women fighting their way through survival for longer than my 4, going on 5, years.  Women who talk about the very same "dry spell" and then suddenly their abuser makes or attempts contact.  Contact which is far from normal.  Thankfully, my abuser is afraid of the court system and afraid of going to jail.  I have to constantly remind myself of my blessings in this.  He still visits Tot every weekend, but the times of pick-up and drop-off are erratic.  Personally, that's a blessing.  Ahh..but there's a double-edged sword.  On the weekend the visit happens to be both Saturday and Sunday, I have to make sure I'm home.  There is no guarantee my ex will keep Tot for the full allotted time of the court ordered visits.  That alone would give me cause to take him to court and force his hand, but that would also mean he might see that as a way to visually see me more.  He likes to fight and torment.  Whether it's verbally or mentally, is neither here nor there.  He strives to keep a negative chain.  So, I've kept my Irish-German mouth shut.  I let him pick Tot up late and bring Tot back much earlier than the norm.  It's been no eye contact and the fewest words necessary, mostly to Tot to tell him Mommy loves him as he leaves with my ex.  I've let my ex move 3 times in the last year without saying a word and not even demanding an address.  Knowing instinctively to let it ride - but that moment has changed.

The FBI could hire me for all the investigative work I do and the gut feelings that have kept me 3 steps ahead of a narcissistic sociopath.  Caller id with unknown numbers; gauging how many calls occur in that instance and determining if it warrants me calling the police to investigate further.  A number with an unknown area code.  That alerted me the most.  Receiving a text with that same unknown area code and it happens to be my ex sending me a text letting me know he's moved.   A week goes by and another random text.  Him knowing full well he can call the landline and leave a message.  So today I spoke up and out.  I asked for his address.  Waved my hand at his attempt to "talk". I kept my speech abrupt, precise, and to the point.  When he dropped Tot off an hour earlier than the normal visit time, I demanded the address and specifically told him no texting or calling my personal cell phone.  As he started arguing, I shut the door, locked it, and went about my business of blocking this new number from my cell phone.   I had grown comfortable with driving Tot the same way to his daycare every day.  Now I take a different route every time. 

It all sounds "old hat", doesn't it?  Let me be the first to tell you, it's extremely taxing and wearing on my spirit to constantly keep my guard up.  Depression and acceptance.  I roiled aimlessly in depression and now it's a depressing acceptance that this just might be how it will be for the rest of my life.  The erratic visit times on any given weekend.  Which, by the way, is a way for my abuser to keep me home and on guard.  It works.  Always on edge.  Wondering what a weekend might bring.  He sometimes doesn't bother to call (the landline phone) to leave a message he won't be picking up Tot.  It sometimes just hangs.  He also knows I share his unwillingness to return to a court and a judge that has no clue how to handle this particular situation.  So I handle it on my own.  I stay at home.  Like the damn good girl that I am.  Inwardly - silently - I pray for my ex to just leave Tot and I alone and let us go about our life.  Then I feel guilty about having the nerve to ask God of such a thing.  What if Tot is actually bonding with ex?  Then reality quickly steps in and confirms my thoughts.  Tot comes home and still very minimally speaks about his visits.  Tot still fights separation anxiety.  And then I want to scream.  Scream so loud it would break the windows in this house.  Tot wants a bond with ex but it just isn't there.  He asks me now on a regular basis "Is Daddy coming to pick me up this weekend?"  I have to be honest and say that I simply don't know.  I see his face and its smile instantaneously vanish.  He too is becoming numb to this.  I have to constantly tell Tot that he can tell me anything.  He simply doesn't know how to verbalize his confusion and frustration. 

My new job keeps me hopping throughout the week with some places wanting me to work on a Saturday.  Time away from my boy.  Time I desperately need to unwind and bond and play with my sweet boy.  Am I doing any of this right? God knows I'm doing the best I can.  At least the worst of the depression and the ever aching need for more sleep is subsiding.  I have a mother with her own health and mental issues and often wonder "Dear God, am I mentally unstable too!?" I have an older brother who often acts like my younger brother.  Always scolding him on how to act and react with Tot in this delicate visitation situation.  It ain't perfect but it's at least a semblance of a support system.  I could go into long, drawn-out details of my dysfunctional family but that's another blog that I simply don't have time for and I just throw my hands up and say "Crap! It is what it is." There isn't any understanding of the introverted soul in my family, so I often have to step outside of my comfort zone and speak up.  Expecting conflict at every turn.  At least my own soul searching allows me to look inward and see how better I can react (or lack thereof) in my familial zone.  So it's a constant inward search in a family that sees no need to inwardly search a damn thing.  Don't get me wrong.  They love me and I love them.  But I'm not about to call an apple an orange.  My mother is just now starting to see *me*.  And that's a very limited view.  Her own childhood was riddled with dysfunction in a time where that simply was not discussed, reviewed, or counseled.  Monday through Friday it's the same old droll.  Tot and I come home from work and daycare not wanting to talk and answer endless questions.  We are both introverts who need time to simply unwind.  And every Monday through Friday we both get hammered with questions.  Tot rebels and will outright scream.  I have to constantly explain myself.  I have to constantly ask for the questions to stop so Tot doesn't scream.  It's the very negative lifestyle I so hard try to avoid. 

I could go on but I'm sure by now you get the point.  This is damn hard and so damn depressing.  I pray God has big hands because I put it all in His hands.  I don't know what else to do.

Is Anyone Out There

     Internet connection is on the fritz.  Can you hear me now? Is anyone out there?

     Let's just hope I don't lose connection in the middle of a prized masterpiece.  I'm taking a gamble.  I type faster than I write... I've got so much on my mind...

Friday, August 22, 2014

Little Girl Gone

Lining up my dolls
Kiss them on the cheek
Tell them one last fairy tale
To blight out
Life so bleak
One looks like she's pouting
I'll tuck her away
Sensitive little heart
Save the black, cold day

Childish ramblings
Such can be the
Little girl inside my heart
Dead wishes
Fruitless dishes
I seek the
Bountiful harvest
Of a woman

Little girl gone
Nail polish now chipped
Plastic play shoes
Dusting in the closet
Slowly making my way
So I don't have to ask
Who bought it?

Daughter, Daughter

Line of demarcation
Sliced through the sand
The moment we touch
Their little hand
Bow submissively
Never speak up
Be good
Do right
Glitter grand

Daughter, daughter
Always say please
Daughter, daughter
Don't tease
Daughter, daughter
Say you're sorry
For no reason
No will
No treason
Daughter, daughter
Go make your way
Grow up quick
Career Barbie
Don't ask for a raise
It'll spoil everyone's day

Oh daughter, daughter
When will you learn?
Glass ceilings don't shatter
Glass houses never burn.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Pigtails and Smiles

She latched onto me
And I quietly wondered why
Looking me in the eye
As if she already knew
I'm about to begin anew
You better believe I ran from her
Spilling my guts for the
Whole room to see
Sitting on my bench quietly
She came with an army
Good God woman
Let me smoke in peace
Don't make me explain
My inadequacy
Oh, she just smiled
That knowing smile
The others smiling around her
My story was out
Her bottom lip quivered
In a perpetual pout

One sat beside me
Nearly laying her head
On my shoulder
"I do so love the smell.
I quit long ago, but this is nice"

I thought they were quirky
Albeit a little crazy
Smoke rings rising as I grew
More comfortable
I laughed freely
A very weird port hole
Of life
Of love
Of acceptance

Far from where we were
We were now on a
Virtual schoolyard
Them asking
Will you come play with me
Pigtails and smiles
Seeing what I thought
No untouched, clean
Woman could see

I Don't Have a Clue

I don't know where I'm going
Do you?
Ah, but this road is nice
A little bumpy in places
Would you just look at the view
Silver clouds
Hanging like a jewel
Gee wiz
This neighborhood is beautiful
I wonder if the owners appreciate it
Feeling the plenty, plentiful

Tweet, Tweet...Roar

"Mommy.  It's a dinosaur bird."

"Oh!"

"MmmHmm."

"Does it sing."

"Sure.  It sings 'Tweet, tweet...ROAR!!' "

That's the call
If you're wondering
All the silly pondering
We're survivors of the storm

Tweet, tweet...Roar

Hello Again

     My words don't come as easily now.  I've taken a break for quite some time to make sense of all that's happening.  Trying to please and appease.  So I just stopped and thought about me.  And of course, the other half of me.  I watch Tot's milestones.  It amazes me.  It overwhelms me.  I wish I could bottle up this all up; so I've been doing my best to savor every moment.  5am I hear his footsteps as I try to quietly get ready for work. So like me.  Marching down the hall, plopping down on the couch - rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and not wanting to talk.  Before we actually leave, he comes to me and simply holds his hands up.  I scoop him up and take that moment no matter how rushed I may feel.  His little arms wrapping around me tight - a kiss on my shoulder.  His hugs saying a thousand things that words simply could not say; slipping away the worries of "Am I doing this right?"
     My ex looks for every excuse to drop Tot off early or not see him at all.  I once worried about that.  No longer.  Tot looks at me with a simple "Mommy" as he comes back home.  It literally sounds like a sigh of relief.  With the past quickly drifting away, I've taken a moment to just relish in that fact.  As Tot demands "Take me home.  I want Mommy."  It's no longer "when Daddy picks me up", it's "If Daddy picks me up."  I thought it would somehow damage him.  I realize now it's the way it should be.  No hard feelings.  My fight is over.  Almost, anyway.  My sweet Tot still thinks I'm somehow going to leave him.  Separation anxiety.  I'm constantly reassuring him.  The first 3 days of his precious life are stuck in my head.  When it was just him and I.  Moments he crawls in my bed when it's storming.  Wrapping his body around mine like a vine.  I have to laugh.  He asked me just the other day if I was a princess.  I said yes.  "I'm Kinderella."  His eyes widened and he smiled.  He nodded as if his thoughts were somehow confirmed and slammed his dinosaur toys into the floor as an exclamation.  We are here.  We are surviving.  Hello again.