Wednesday, December 31, 2014

What a Lovely Thing To Do

What a lovely thing
Making me feel
This feeling
This
I love you
That surrounds me now
Not worrying about the how
My God
What a lovely
Thing
To make
This heart
Sing

Into the Woods

I stumbled
Deeper and deeper
A wounded animal
Separating from the
Prying eyes
Into the forest
Shaded from the harsh
Open skies
Wounded arteries and veins
A spirit seeking rest
From life's pains
I fell on the soft moss
Needing to feel
Velvet surround
Caressing my head
Shielding me from another
Panging pang
Closing my eyes
From this monstrous thing

I heard the soft footsteps padding
Closer and closer they came
No strength to push away
No more feeling
Not even shame
They sat and waited
Deep in the forest with me
Encircling me
Souls I did not expect
Then again
Neither did they claim
To be perfect
Just simple acceptance

Healing in the Venting

I recently had the lovely opportunity of being involved in a chat on Twitter.  A chat for survivors of domestic abuse.  How completely liberating.  A moment to reflect on what our first happy moments were after leaving our nightmare.  I never really thought about it before.  It forced me to go back and pick out the brightest moments.  It forced me to realize there was a miracle in the making at the very moment my world felt like a bad dream.  It took my focus away from the pain of my abuser and put a positive light right back on me.  I am learning to do more of that without feeling selfish.  It's crucial in my healing to solely focus on me.  Of course I focus on my son, but if my focus is not on me, how in the world can I help him?  I have to be healthy.  It's getting easier; to balance *me* time with *our* time.  The more I participated, the more connections I made with fellow survivors.  Authors, mothers, poets, singers, daughters; friends.  I felt that wonderful warrior woman feeling come over me all over again.  It helped reiterate that I am most definitely not alone.  It helped my other followers on Twitter realize there is more to me than a 140 character poem hanging in the balance. 

This all came at a time when my ex decided to try to wrangle me in another beastly argument.  I needed the balance of fellow survivors to help me realize it isn't worth it to accept the invitation of his fight.  It helped me stay blessedly silent.  Some words are not even worth the breath or time it takes to utter them.  So I keep moving forward.  Head held high.  Tomahawk at my side.  Instead of a War Dance, I'm in my Sun Dance.  The spikes are in my tender flesh of my chest as I slowly move around the Maypole; meditating and reflecting in my own warmth of my soul.  Going deeper than I've ever gone before.  Not wasting time on regrets, excuses, or mindless recuses.  If I look back now, it's only long enough to see just how far I've come and keep moving on. 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Dearest of Souls

Dear God
I gave it my all
To push away
With all my fruitless gall
Just leave me withering here
Never mind the
Lonely, falling tear
I'd do anything to save you
From seeing me this way
Just go
Go away

Oh
But the dearest of souls
Are deaf to the loudest
Of screamless screams
Never letting me
Get too far
Silently rubbing elixir
Into every countless scar
Making me laugh
Into the second
Second half
Never minding
Tattered
Tattered
Me
Hot damn
If I don't feel pretty
No pity
You just sit
Allow me to forget
The hell
That keeps
Chasing me
Making me see
Heaven is
Not too far
In front of me

Healing Pool

Watching my own reflection
Blurred images
Of who
I'm supposed to be
Dipping my hand in
Silky surface swallowing
Deeper depth pulling
Lullaby from far behind
Constantly lulling
I'm sinking
I'm sinking
Into constant
Imperfection
Let the water surround me
Let it keep me
Only here
Do I feel whole

She's Had it All

She's had all she can take
Glass heart
Ready to break
Standing on the porch
Holding up her flickering torch
Listening to the threats
Of a callous soul
A mother
Protecting her daughter
Coming inside
Winded and breathless
Finding the laughter
The lovely toll

Mausoleum Meditation

Light my candle
Hang it high
In the cement walls
Shut the door
Let me crouch down low
Count the cracks in the floor
The Hell Hound is cackling again
So damn sure
He's gonna win

At least this time
There was a longer pause
Now I prepare for another
Tiresome battle
The chasing
Yipping, yapping dogs
Threatening war
In the marble court

I sink down
Into the quiet throne
Watch the flickering light
Gathering my might
Dear God
Keep me strong
To keep up this
Endless fight

Hold back my screams
The nightmarish scenes
Come rushing
I bite my tongue
Feel the steely taste of blood
Just as my knees
Sink in the mud

Good God
Just close the door
I don't know how much
I can take
Not anymore
Let me smell the
Familiar smell of death
Meditate deeper
Catch my breath
And do this again

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Holes in Hands

"Why, Mommy? Why?"
Bewildered look following
"Why are there holes in His hands?"
I looked in his face
Puckered brows
His passion building
And I felt so proud
"Why do you think?"

"The holes are there, Mommy, so
His spirit can fly free.  So He can
find us."

I don't know about you
But that answer
Settled in my soul
Like a thick, warm comforter
The kind only your
Grandmother could make

4 year old philosopher
Asking the questions
Tired adults
Forget to ask

Little Man

He wakes up in the
predawn hour
Waits patiently as I shower
Watches a mindless show
Listens intently
Before I have to go

Wipes a tear and asks me
What I do
Will I be back
In an hour
Or two
Softly this heartbroken mother
Gently explains
Feeling all of his wracking pains
Mama's gotta go
Travel to another traveling show
Concrete therapist
Leaving at an early hour

He doesn't break down
Nestled atop his perfect head
Remains the crown
He sees every hospital as a magical place
oh because, because
That's where Mommy works

We slay the dragon
Every single night
Without a breathless fight
I hold him close
A perfect boy
Round cheeks
Button nose
Savoring all the time I have
As my day is cut in half

He Said

My baby
My baby
How fast you learned
The word
Maybe
He said no
I don't wanna go
I don't like it
But my baby
He don't fret
Give him the choice
So he always has a voice
He changed his mind
Put on his coat
Looked back at me
An unwritten love note
He asked if I would be home
When he returned
My heart burned
I smiled nonchalantly
Of course
Of course
Shield the pain
Dry his eyes
As he walks in again
Quickly, my dear
Let's find the sun
Wipe that rampant tear



Friday, December 5, 2014

Driving on E

Driving down another winding road
Listening to the tune of a good,
good friend
Whistling wind
On my way home
to send
Passing the dirty gas station
I'll get gas tomorrow
Hearing the call of my
lovely little one
Waiting patiently
for my time to borrow
I'm driving on E
Kindly excuse me
I hear his plea

Pain on the Inside

I'm all knotted up
on the inside
Better than a bruise
it's so easy to hide
Pain that lingers
with clawing
skeleton fingers
I'm not stuck in the past
I just remember the catalyst
when I'm hunched over
clutching my gut
One foot on the green, green grass
The other stumbling in a rut

Tarnished Daughter

She looked in my eyes
seeing all the past lies
That's what I suppose
A few times holding me close
Most times
it just hurt her too damn much
'membering the harsh tones;
the rough touch
Mocking laughter for the
tarnished daughter
Mocking laughter
tarnished copper
She tries and tries
but most times she cries
'membering all the lies
Reaching for the daughter
hearing only mocking laughter

Golden Son

He's the golden son
Beholden one
Ain't never done no wrong
That's mama's constant song
Follow his broken lead
Pay heed
Don't ask why
Don't cry
Golden boy gets all the love
When push
comes to shove
Keep quiet
he's got something to say
Save your own say
for another rainy day
He's the golden son
The lucky one