My warrior lawyer said it best, "It's a test the court must do. They won't know the results until the litmus paper is dipped in the chemical..." The litmus paper being my son and the chemical my ex. I sound cynical here. Truth be told, I'm tired of being cynical and anxious and angry. Maybe everything will turn out all right. January will bring forth more answers. Time for me, personally, to meditate and pray. At this very moment, I feel as though everything will work out so much better than I expected. I have my days, but right now, I feel relaxed. I've worked hard to get to this point. Many times I thought of giving up. Came dangerously close to shutting down both mentally and spiritually. Tonight, however, I'm reminded of the time I first found out I was pregnant. So many people around me said it would never happen. My little mind kept imagining my baby, though. So on a Saturday night, much like tonight, I locked myself in a tiny bathroom and performed my own litmus test. Never mind that the 20 previous litmus tests all came back astoundingly negative. That night was special. I almost threw the test in the trash before the results were complete. And then, there it was. A faint, blue line. Vertical. Positive. The dreams leading up to that moment all made perfect sense. So much like they do now.
I study my dreams like a meteorologist studies isobars and cumulous clouds. My dreams are so positive now. Vivid and in color. No more black and gray (for the moment). My near future is happy. Better than I could even dream about. I wake up now with a sense of hope. I'm not too selfish to say, I need a lot of hope right now. Some dreams are so vivid, I have to actually remember this life I'm living in right now. The fact that they're coming more frequently now is just beautiful to me. On days where like last week, where I was lost in some kind of despair I can't even put into words, I remember my dreams. It inspires a lot of my poetry. Which opens the door further. Because you see, my dear friend reading this lil ole blog of mine, in my dreams I'm also talking to editors and publishers and hammering out a book deal that will blow your pretty, little mind. Don't think for a minute I'm sitting idly by on this in my waking moments. All things coming in patient moments. The waiting well worth it. So. Here I go. Patiently waiting the moment. Praying for only the best. My son is thriving. I don't think there's anything that can stop that. Not while I'm alive.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
The Long December
December cast her
Cold, steely gaze
On me
Her eyes
Slowly blinking
Foretelling moment
For the
Long
Cold
Days ahead
Snow came quick
To vanquish
The warmth of summer
And she
She just smiled
Her frosty breath
Floating in the air
I'm forced
To rush inside
Wrap myself
Under my warm
Soft
Blanket
Counting my blessings
My dearest of friends
Cold, steely gaze
On me
Her eyes
Slowly blinking
Foretelling moment
For the
Long
Cold
Days ahead
Snow came quick
To vanquish
The warmth of summer
And she
She just smiled
Her frosty breath
Floating in the air
I'm forced
To rush inside
Wrap myself
Under my warm
Soft
Blanket
Counting my blessings
My dearest of friends
Suspended Moment / Caught in a Dream
It was near the end
Of the dream
Mere moments before
My mind
Became
Fully awake
Walking alone
Steps following a pattern
Not noticing a thing
Around the corner
Beneath the stairs
The Indian chanted
Knowing
I would slow my steps
Turn
To notice him
He was familiar to my soul
I
Feeling immediately comforted
Amongst the vast changes
Taking place and
Many more still in waiting
His presence
Beckoned me
To feel the moment
Slow down
Pay attention.
Of the dream
Mere moments before
My mind
Became
Fully awake
Walking alone
Steps following a pattern
Not noticing a thing
Around the corner
Beneath the stairs
The Indian chanted
Knowing
I would slow my steps
Turn
To notice him
He was familiar to my soul
I
Feeling immediately comforted
Amongst the vast changes
Taking place and
Many more still in waiting
His presence
Beckoned me
To feel the moment
Slow down
Pay attention.
Dreaming
It has been so long
Since I dreamed
In this sort of way
No longer shrouded in
Darkness or
Cover of night
My dreams are now
In full color
Bright as the day
Full of light.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Call Me Needy
I need you now
More than ever
Holding tight to
Our bond
Not wanting to sever
Maybe I ask too much
Or simply not enough
The cuts of this life hurts
Praying my soft edges
Aren't really too rough
You'll shake your head
Say I'm not alone
I know God is with me
But this room
Feels so cold.
More than ever
Holding tight to
Our bond
Not wanting to sever
Maybe I ask too much
Or simply not enough
The cuts of this life hurts
Praying my soft edges
Aren't really too rough
You'll shake your head
Say I'm not alone
I know God is with me
But this room
Feels so cold.
The Letting (Poem)
It's a cold, cold day
When I let it all out
Dripping
Piercing
Words on a page
Bleeding out my story
Letting out
Letting in
Watching emptiness
Spin
It's the letting
The double-edged sword
A choice that cuts deep
Slicing me in two
Wondering how deep
The push
Of the silver blade
Lonely is the cut
Knowing
Sympathetic eyes
Can only do so much
Alone to face
The sword's deepest thrust.
When I let it all out
Dripping
Piercing
Words on a page
Bleeding out my story
Letting out
Letting in
Watching emptiness
Spin
It's the letting
The double-edged sword
A choice that cuts deep
Slicing me in two
Wondering how deep
The push
Of the silver blade
Lonely is the cut
Knowing
Sympathetic eyes
Can only do so much
Alone to face
The sword's deepest thrust.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
The Letting
3 years. How much more can I take? Quite a lot, it seems because it still goes...and goes. The letter came in the mail last week. Bold type this time, so I wouldn't miss its point "We are reviewing this case in detail for a pending overnight stay.." I frankly stopped reading and threw that blasted letter away. I panicked. Found my son playing innocently in the living room. Banging trucks and making highways with cardboard pieces. He looked up at me and smiled so sweetly. My heart jumped and melted all at the same time. The court is letting my ex trial an overnight stay. An ex with an abusive past, a current drug addiction, and an unstable emotional stance on life, overall. The court is reviewing the "importance" of further future drug testing. Migraines and nightmares started immediately after receiving that letter. My son's safety is in judicial hands that blindly trust the outcome will be an outstanding success. I, on the other hand, have my well reasoned doubts.
January is the next court date. Time for me to prepare mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. That court document made me feel abused all over again. I have to get my thinking straight if I'm to move forward. From the court's stand-point, "He never abused your child." Then there is all the fine proof of his anger management classes. Excuse me if I sound a little bitter here. One workbook with a couple of sentences written about how he feels better about the world does not, in my mind, mark him as healed. The court simply does not know him like I know him, or how my son is beginning to know him. No he is not physically abusive to our son, but he has an abusive tendency. Tendencies which stretch further than merely physical. My son is 3. And he's all ready beginning to see.
My tot is bumbling and happy. He says please and thank you and gives hugs to make the boo-boo's go away. He's smart. Very inquisitive. And he remembers minor details that surprise me, given his young age. Once a week for 6 hours my son visits with ex. At the start of the unsupervised visits one year ago, tot handled everything exceptionally well. That was, unfortunately, a short time. He quickly transitioned into questioning, worry, anxiety, even anger. Now? Now is even worst. He comes home quiet. It takes a little while before I can get him back into his comfortable routine. It's a blessing that he can now talk to me about the visits. The most I can get out of him is that he's not allowed to really be "him." Play time is different. Reprimands are different. He's dropped off at grandparent's house once in a while during these visits while "Daddy drives errands." They sit and watch T.V. So, basically, my tot is bored. No big deal, right? I question where the bonding is in all this. My son does too. Often. He questions everything, as any normal 3 year old would.
So the overnight will happen. And I will let them...after I am assured there will be routine drug tests. At least for however long the court deems appropriate. I do have a say in this and I will stand up for the safety of my son. I've skimmed over details about my ex because I'm pretty much numb to all of it right now. I know him. The court has no clue. Not like I do. I don't want my son to see the worst. To be exposed to an environment where I won't be immediately at hand to help or quickly protect him. It's this final "Letting" stage that is tearing me up right now. But as one lawyer explained to me "You have to let it happen. The court needs to test how both your son and ex will react to an overnight stay." Her advice and encouragement stay with me and keep me strong. Along with a select few friends who are emotionally strong enough to let me completely vent and tell them all the gory details. That lawyer understood my stance in this. She, herself, was in an abusive relationship and had to face the very same thing I am facing now. Like they say, you will never completely understand unless you actually lived it. So what did SHE do? She let it. She let the visits become more and more extended. She let the overnight stay happen. She let it all sink in that, sometimes, we don't get to control all aspects of things we most want to control. She understood my fear of letting my son stay with my abusive ex. She basically told me how I would spend that night. "You're not going to sleep. You will stay close to phone and worry uncontrollably. Let it all happen. Roll with your emotions but stay strong. And demand a phone call before your son goes to sleep that night. You want to be able to hear your son's voice for possible changes...fear, anger, etc. Voice inflections that are not normal for your son." So I will do that. All of it. Demand further drug tests, demand a final phone call to say good night to Tot; demand the court to respect the precarious balancing act this really is. It's not just me that must go through all of this emotional warfare. Now it's my son. It's always been my son, but now he's really blossoming and soaking in more information.
And still I want to cry. I want to be able to promise my son that everything will be all right and I simply can't. My ex will never be dependable. Not emotionally, or otherwise. This, I have learned. The hard way. This is what I don't want my son to learn. It's a lesson no child should have to face. It goes much deeper than me not being able to tuck him during that overnight stay, or kiss his cheek and hum a lullaby. It drives deep into the heart of me. Will he be safe? Will ex be able to handle Tot's crying? Will he be able to handle the emotional outbursts?
January is the next court date. Time for me to prepare mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. That court document made me feel abused all over again. I have to get my thinking straight if I'm to move forward. From the court's stand-point, "He never abused your child." Then there is all the fine proof of his anger management classes. Excuse me if I sound a little bitter here. One workbook with a couple of sentences written about how he feels better about the world does not, in my mind, mark him as healed. The court simply does not know him like I know him, or how my son is beginning to know him. No he is not physically abusive to our son, but he has an abusive tendency. Tendencies which stretch further than merely physical. My son is 3. And he's all ready beginning to see.
My tot is bumbling and happy. He says please and thank you and gives hugs to make the boo-boo's go away. He's smart. Very inquisitive. And he remembers minor details that surprise me, given his young age. Once a week for 6 hours my son visits with ex. At the start of the unsupervised visits one year ago, tot handled everything exceptionally well. That was, unfortunately, a short time. He quickly transitioned into questioning, worry, anxiety, even anger. Now? Now is even worst. He comes home quiet. It takes a little while before I can get him back into his comfortable routine. It's a blessing that he can now talk to me about the visits. The most I can get out of him is that he's not allowed to really be "him." Play time is different. Reprimands are different. He's dropped off at grandparent's house once in a while during these visits while "Daddy drives errands." They sit and watch T.V. So, basically, my tot is bored. No big deal, right? I question where the bonding is in all this. My son does too. Often. He questions everything, as any normal 3 year old would.
So the overnight will happen. And I will let them...after I am assured there will be routine drug tests. At least for however long the court deems appropriate. I do have a say in this and I will stand up for the safety of my son. I've skimmed over details about my ex because I'm pretty much numb to all of it right now. I know him. The court has no clue. Not like I do. I don't want my son to see the worst. To be exposed to an environment where I won't be immediately at hand to help or quickly protect him. It's this final "Letting" stage that is tearing me up right now. But as one lawyer explained to me "You have to let it happen. The court needs to test how both your son and ex will react to an overnight stay." Her advice and encouragement stay with me and keep me strong. Along with a select few friends who are emotionally strong enough to let me completely vent and tell them all the gory details. That lawyer understood my stance in this. She, herself, was in an abusive relationship and had to face the very same thing I am facing now. Like they say, you will never completely understand unless you actually lived it. So what did SHE do? She let it. She let the visits become more and more extended. She let the overnight stay happen. She let it all sink in that, sometimes, we don't get to control all aspects of things we most want to control. She understood my fear of letting my son stay with my abusive ex. She basically told me how I would spend that night. "You're not going to sleep. You will stay close to phone and worry uncontrollably. Let it all happen. Roll with your emotions but stay strong. And demand a phone call before your son goes to sleep that night. You want to be able to hear your son's voice for possible changes...fear, anger, etc. Voice inflections that are not normal for your son." So I will do that. All of it. Demand further drug tests, demand a final phone call to say good night to Tot; demand the court to respect the precarious balancing act this really is. It's not just me that must go through all of this emotional warfare. Now it's my son. It's always been my son, but now he's really blossoming and soaking in more information.
And still I want to cry. I want to be able to promise my son that everything will be all right and I simply can't. My ex will never be dependable. Not emotionally, or otherwise. This, I have learned. The hard way. This is what I don't want my son to learn. It's a lesson no child should have to face. It goes much deeper than me not being able to tuck him during that overnight stay, or kiss his cheek and hum a lullaby. It drives deep into the heart of me. Will he be safe? Will ex be able to handle Tot's crying? Will he be able to handle the emotional outbursts?
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