Words fall and trickle down my stony back
like pebbles rolling down concrete
No longer the child heart
waiting for apologetic repeat
Letting the words spill from others
Strangers
Neighbors
Mother
Brothers
They're just words, I remind myself
Turning
Walking away
Spiritually
Mentally
Feeling the strength rise up
to move on
physically.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Reboot
It's been a while since I've posted here. Time I did not plan on taking away, but apparently, I needed the time. The rest to find the rest. I could go on and on about why. It's all done and I'm back to sing a new song.
It wasn't exactly me falling so hard that I'm now starting all over, but I am starting over. A couple of chapters I never expected and certainly could not have foreseen. Sometimes I just cried thinking it was all a bit too obscene. If I learned anything of this life, it's that nothing really goes as planned - not everything, anyway.
In December, I thought my son and I would be homeless. In January, I fell back into my darkest depression. I gave up the idea of my career; threw my hands up in the air and set out for something completely different. I travelled to New Mexico and despised every fucked up second of that business trip that turned out to be one big trigger; a trigger of memories that I stomped down 3 or 4 years ago. I threw my hands up again and gave in. I'm telling ya, I caved completely in.
REBOOT
And so here I am. Finally with a semblance of happiness. I'm a licensed physical therapist assistant in the state of Missouri and now I'm waiting for my Illinois endorsement. While I wait the 8 weeks or so, I will be working at McDonald's (why does that make me giggle?) I cannot WAIT! A place I will be completely anonymous. A new person. A new start. A new life. I have my sweet, little nest egg saved up, so I could give 2 shits how much they pay me. Give me my uniform. Teach me the lingo I all ready know "Hi! Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like a super-sized Big Mac meal today?" I'll wear my hair in a pony-tail and chit chat with the teeny-boppers about life and stupid nonsense on our downtime.
NOSTALGIA
I was 19 when I worked there. Before all the trauma and abuse and stupid shit I let into my life. I was free. It was before I became serious about anything but going out after work and having fun. Staying up until 3am and going into work at 6am. Getting off of work at 5pm and driving like a bat out of hell to the concert arena to see Stevie Nix. I was so abundantly me, then. I was 19. Working at McDonald's as a store manager and thinking my shit did not stink and seeing my life spread out before me with the beauty of the setting and rising sun. It was before I learned to hate myself and put myself away in the back of some discarded, dusty shelf.
And so here I am. Years later. Preparing to start all over again. In a place that does not remind me of my pain and torture. It reminds me of my better self.
I think this is life saying "Here. Let's close the book and write a new one."
It wasn't exactly me falling so hard that I'm now starting all over, but I am starting over. A couple of chapters I never expected and certainly could not have foreseen. Sometimes I just cried thinking it was all a bit too obscene. If I learned anything of this life, it's that nothing really goes as planned - not everything, anyway.
In December, I thought my son and I would be homeless. In January, I fell back into my darkest depression. I gave up the idea of my career; threw my hands up in the air and set out for something completely different. I travelled to New Mexico and despised every fucked up second of that business trip that turned out to be one big trigger; a trigger of memories that I stomped down 3 or 4 years ago. I threw my hands up again and gave in. I'm telling ya, I caved completely in.
REBOOT
And so here I am. Finally with a semblance of happiness. I'm a licensed physical therapist assistant in the state of Missouri and now I'm waiting for my Illinois endorsement. While I wait the 8 weeks or so, I will be working at McDonald's (why does that make me giggle?) I cannot WAIT! A place I will be completely anonymous. A new person. A new start. A new life. I have my sweet, little nest egg saved up, so I could give 2 shits how much they pay me. Give me my uniform. Teach me the lingo I all ready know "Hi! Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like a super-sized Big Mac meal today?" I'll wear my hair in a pony-tail and chit chat with the teeny-boppers about life and stupid nonsense on our downtime.
NOSTALGIA
I was 19 when I worked there. Before all the trauma and abuse and stupid shit I let into my life. I was free. It was before I became serious about anything but going out after work and having fun. Staying up until 3am and going into work at 6am. Getting off of work at 5pm and driving like a bat out of hell to the concert arena to see Stevie Nix. I was so abundantly me, then. I was 19. Working at McDonald's as a store manager and thinking my shit did not stink and seeing my life spread out before me with the beauty of the setting and rising sun. It was before I learned to hate myself and put myself away in the back of some discarded, dusty shelf.
And so here I am. Years later. Preparing to start all over again. In a place that does not remind me of my pain and torture. It reminds me of my better self.
I think this is life saying "Here. Let's close the book and write a new one."
Friday, December 25, 2015
The Strangest Dream
I was walking in the moonlit night. Escaping something and making damn good progress from what I could tell. In the dream, I was highly impressed with myself. My feet were bare but I did not feel the dry earth underneath.
I came to a set of train tracks high atop a cliff. The rails were splintered and broken. I couldn't turn around and go back; there was nothing to return to. Nothing worth mentioning, anyway. My foot gingerly stepped on one of the rails and I stepped forward. I could see the broken places as I continued on. The river below me raging. My heart racing. I came to a spot I had to jump. A leap that could go either way; success or death. One deep breath and a quick jump. I made it. My feet landed with a thud and I continued on my journey. I could hear voices ahead. An older couple standing and watching me; cheering my progress.
I came to a pier stretching out across a massive lake. In the night that stretched out before me, it looked black and ominous. The older couple was standing on it, beckoning me forward. My feet moved of their volition. I stopped in the middle of the pier and sat down - refusing to go any further.
"I hate murky water. Water where I can't see the bottom,"
The old man laughed and sat down beside me, "Why? You've swam deeper, murkier water than this."
I looked out across the water; my eyes adjusting and finally seeing the faint tree line on the other shore. I was waiting for the older couple to leave but he continued to sit beside me and the elderly female hovered protectively behind me. I huffed stubbornly and crossed my arms. I'd wait them out & then take my leave. This was too much. I was nearly to the end of the pier; there was nowhere left to go but back from whence I came. Just then the moon came out of its veil of clouds. A soft glow of amber surrounding its fullness. The old man took my hand and we stood.
I was so in awe of the beauty. It was then I saw the curve in the pier. The end was not the end. The old man looked at me and smiled and simply said "See?" My feet took their steps forward. Fear no longer guiding me.
It was the strangest dream...
I came to a set of train tracks high atop a cliff. The rails were splintered and broken. I couldn't turn around and go back; there was nothing to return to. Nothing worth mentioning, anyway. My foot gingerly stepped on one of the rails and I stepped forward. I could see the broken places as I continued on. The river below me raging. My heart racing. I came to a spot I had to jump. A leap that could go either way; success or death. One deep breath and a quick jump. I made it. My feet landed with a thud and I continued on my journey. I could hear voices ahead. An older couple standing and watching me; cheering my progress.
I came to a pier stretching out across a massive lake. In the night that stretched out before me, it looked black and ominous. The older couple was standing on it, beckoning me forward. My feet moved of their volition. I stopped in the middle of the pier and sat down - refusing to go any further.
"I hate murky water. Water where I can't see the bottom,"
The old man laughed and sat down beside me, "Why? You've swam deeper, murkier water than this."
I looked out across the water; my eyes adjusting and finally seeing the faint tree line on the other shore. I was waiting for the older couple to leave but he continued to sit beside me and the elderly female hovered protectively behind me. I huffed stubbornly and crossed my arms. I'd wait them out & then take my leave. This was too much. I was nearly to the end of the pier; there was nowhere left to go but back from whence I came. Just then the moon came out of its veil of clouds. A soft glow of amber surrounding its fullness. The old man took my hand and we stood.
I was so in awe of the beauty. It was then I saw the curve in the pier. The end was not the end. The old man looked at me and smiled and simply said "See?" My feet took their steps forward. Fear no longer guiding me.
It was the strangest dream...
Friday, December 18, 2015
Trigger Warning
It happens in the blink of the eye
So I run
Without saying goodbye
Hard talk
'bout feelings
lined up on the floor
in chalk
The trigger hits
& I can't stand the pain
Numb ache
To a blasting migraine
I can't always discuss
the narcissist
So I steal myself away
Lining up my boundaries
Brick-by-brick
Dried mud and stone
I make that wall thick
So I run
Without saying goodbye
Hard talk
'bout feelings
lined up on the floor
in chalk
The trigger hits
& I can't stand the pain
Numb ache
To a blasting migraine
I can't always discuss
the narcissist
So I steal myself away
Lining up my boundaries
Brick-by-brick
Dried mud and stone
I make that wall thick
Letter to My Heart
Remember that day you thought you'd never survive? Look at you now. Beating and strumming and drumming. A song made only for you. My God you're tough, but it's ok. You can beat nice, steady, and slow. It's ok to be soft and sensitive. It's ok to let it show. My sensitive, little cordiform jewel box. Never mind the ones who choose to throw rocks. Ignore those that ignore. Just keeping beating. Nice and easy. Steady and strong. Cry, but don't forget to sing your song. Dear heart of hearts. Don't you know? Nothing is the end unless you choose so. So keep on beating. Stop all that worrying because it's precious time you're cheating. Love? It will come soon enough. Right now, let all the chambers fill. Know that I will always love you. Still.
Glass Heart - Velvet Skin
No longer ducking my head
when I tell a lovely boy
my story
Now I raise my chin in defiance
letting it spill with all its glory
Most turn and run
running from the rambling
six-shooting gun
too afraid to hear the next thing
that might slip outta this
running mouth
Glass heart
Velvet skin
Tired eyes
Wry smile
As I tell of the sin
when I tell a lovely boy
my story
Now I raise my chin in defiance
letting it spill with all its glory
Most turn and run
running from the rambling
six-shooting gun
too afraid to hear the next thing
that might slip outta this
running mouth
Glass heart
Velvet skin
Tired eyes
Wry smile
As I tell of the sin
Let it Roll
Not everyone's gonna wanna hear it
Not everyone's gonna wanna cheer it
Rolled down windows
& I'm driving along my long country road
I'm unloading my heavy load
Shrugging off the misunderstandings
Never minding the shallow ramblings
A pocket full of friends who know how to show
I keep them close
They ask me how I am
I drop my line or two
Make 'em smile
Turning up the radio
Blue-grass playing
Strumming banjo
I'll tell you my story
After a hug
& a genuine
"Hello"
Not everyone's gonna wanna cheer it
Rolled down windows
& I'm driving along my long country road
I'm unloading my heavy load
Shrugging off the misunderstandings
Never minding the shallow ramblings
A pocket full of friends who know how to show
I keep them close
They ask me how I am
I drop my line or two
Make 'em smile
Turning up the radio
Blue-grass playing
Strumming banjo
I'll tell you my story
After a hug
& a genuine
"Hello"
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