Valhalla

I bury it
it gets resurrected
I murder it
it gets reborn

Insomnia

White nightgown trailing
another tragic tale flailing
a victim
with her screaming echoes
my hand reaching
silent footfalls

Sobering Conversation

I told her I have been single for 6 years. Her eyes widened and she proceeded to trample on every thought of grace I had planted.  This girl that was single, herself. I shook my head and offered some lame excuse and just let the subject fall to the greasy floor where we stood.

6 years. Good Lord. I walked away feeling like some kind of wondrous, nerdy loser. I started saying a string of cuss words (mostly 'fuck').  I thought of  the opportunities that I gave up, walked away from, or hid from. I thought of all the damning things that would always make me feel less than, up to this point.

My life has been a fucked-up roller coaster ride, since the day I was born. I'm learning to feel. I'm learning to live. And learning love myself has been the longest journey.

6 years. It sounded longer than forever. Dear God. Something's terribly wrong with me. My fist grips my own heart, until it bleeds uncontrollably.

Poison Ring

My poison ring flashes
pending court date
my back remember the
painful lashes
naked skin
remembering the sin
gaping flesh
no healing mesh

Quietly I slip away
fill the silver ring
poison I plan to bring
push the naïve souls to safety
as I go on trial
the beast
with his toothless grin waits

Cold & calculated
watching as the
toxin drips
a smile
escapes
my ruby lips

Rip it from Me

Everyone wants a piece
pieces that I show
like shards of ripped paper
knowing only half my story
& none of the glory

I'm a chameleon
showing the showy show
blending
bending
mending

Dear God
rip it from me
pain & the sweet
  tantalizing dream
rip it
tear it up
burn it in a heap
gather the ashes
mold them in your better hands

Gothic Nights / Steely Dreams

Thunder clap
Bullwhip wrap
Lightning crashing
Push
Pull
Give
Take
Speak
Listen
Words slashing
Verbal lashing

Steely eyelids slamming shut
Silence wraps around me
  settles like lead in my gut

Crumbling walls and my
MadHatter hat sitting atop my
messy head
askew
I look with a wayward glance
for a better view

Hangman's Tale

Creaking of the branch
my skin
gone blanch
opaque thoughts slipping
dark
night tripping
this rope is top-notch
thread gripping.

In Harm's Way

Monday, I went to my county courthouse to file a motion for the state to further investigate my ex-husband's employment situation. It's getting harder and harder after having no child support for over a year. The process was fairly mindless and extremely easy. I worried about a court filing fee, but the attendant assured me there will be none. Five minutes later, and I was ready to leave. The process was that fast. The attendant handed me two copies and said I needed to give my ex the other copy. The statement didn't register. "Give my ex the other copy? As in, you're going to mail him a copy, right?"  "No ma'am. You have to personally deliver the copy."

My mind reeled. I walked out with both copies. My case is not unique. My ex is abusive. I filed a restraining order 6 years ago and now that order has lapsed in order for him to visit his son legally and without consequences, unless physical and emotional abuse can be proven. None has been noted, so the visits have gone on without any real difficulties.

This situation has ramifications that strike fear in my heart. Handing him a copy of my request for a child support investigation. A person that has worked extremely hard at covering his tracks in order to avoid paying out child support. A person that knows if he fills out an application, it stalls the state from making automatic child support payment withdraws from a checking, savings, or any other financial institution - because it's showing he's "trying." Never mind that this has gone on for over a year. The state is well aware of his history, both in the employment realm and as an abuser.

My request for the investigation will go on and I have come up with my own solution as a result of fearing for my safety. A solution that I will not highlight here. A judge will be assigned the case and every aspect of my ex-husband's employed whereabouts will  be delved into. Not that they haven't already - this is more extensive and with more finite detail. Out of the 500 cases the state deals with on a daily basis, the court order will take my case out and give it more time for special review. It will come directly from the judge, not myself. This is extremely important when considering I have an abusive ex-husband that would like every excuse in the world to blame me for his abuse.

It's hard to put into words how I feel right now. People reading this that are not abuse survivors won't understand the brevity of this situation. The state was willing to put me in harm's way by asking me hand deliver a court copy of my request.

I often wonder when I will truly be free. As of now, I am only 2 steps ahead of the monster. That isn't nearly enough.