Tuesday Mourning

Tuesday is mourning
for the little sister
now gone
never given any credit
Truth be told
I admired all her kooky ways
how she laughed
while traveling through
her dysfunctional family's maze

her body now ash
crematorium furnace
burning all the pages of her story

I'll sit back and watch the nodding
the prodding
for deeper sympathy
a sarcastic smirk
before the ruthless turn their back

Long, Strange Sleep

I awoke with a flash
& then fell asleep again
all the mess crashing in
closing my eyes to unsee
torn edges I burned so easily
in a cloud of wrath
I wrecked everything around me

6 year sleep
high price
steep

now that I am awake
I look around me in dismay
& a gritting teeth determination
to clean my own mess
no hesitation

6 year sleep
high price
steep

Frayed Edges

Frayed, torn edges
of butterfly wings
rising so gracefully
fluttering
arcing
randomly riding a
chaotic wind
poetic suspend
vulnerable trust
in the frantic up-thrust
full trust
in the land
ampersand

He Can't Be a Normal Man

Whomever I love
he can't be a
normal man

I want him to mix
the poisonous toxin
without my outright suggestion

I want him to
walk in my
dark promenade

I want his strong arms
& darkest thoughts
to settle in
around me
& my own

I want us to dance
in the
darkest trance

I want to drink his nectar
& he
to drink
from me

Let us mix
fashionable poison

Let us praise each other
in our dark thought
writhing
wrought
with the moon
blushing
as our naked bodies sigh

Layers of Hell

I now know there are layers to hell. She was a vibrant
part of my life
now forever silent

So sudden

It still rattles me

She was one of the first to notice my writing
always encouraging
her purple emblem became my anchor
& then
one day
everything stopped

A chill
unlike any other
settled around me
Hell
and all its beastly hellhounds
showed their teeth
with her disappearance

Valhalla

I bury it
it gets resurrected
I murder it
it gets reborn

Insomnia

White nightgown trailing
another tragic tale flailing
a victim
with her screaming echoes
my hand reaching
silent footfalls

Sobering Conversation

I told her I have been single for 6 years. Her eyes widened and she proceeded to trample on every thought of grace I had planted.  This girl that was single, herself. I shook my head and offered some lame excuse and just let the subject fall to the greasy floor where we stood.

6 years. Good Lord. I walked away feeling like some kind of wondrous, nerdy loser. I started saying a string of cuss words (mostly 'fuck').  I thought of  the opportunities that I gave up, walked away from, or hid from. I thought of all the damning things that would always make me feel less than, up to this point.

My life has been a fucked-up roller coaster ride, since the day I was born. I'm learning to feel. I'm learning to live. And learning love myself has been the longest journey.

6 years. It sounded longer than forever. Dear God. Something's terribly wrong with me. My fist grips my own heart, until it bleeds uncontrollably.