Virtual Bonds

I watched him go
A sadness in my heart
The uncontrollable
Behind the wheel
I sat down with
Heavy-laden heart
Feeling my world fall apart
A constant need to
Protect
My lovely son

A lovely thing happened
While I was clearing my head
Devoiding myself from dread
A virtual person popped up
A survivor
With such a drastic tale
We instantly bonded
Repinning our tragedy
Into virtual
"Hale, Hale"

Eldest She-Warrior

She greets with a smile
A tinge of laugher
But through slanted eyes
Watches the wayward traveler

She is the eldest warrior
Watching over her daughter
Offering her best advice

She does everything
In sequence
Sometimes repeating the pattern
A warrior
Stomping her feet
Before resting her tired head

She checks the door
Then checks it again
To keep the darkness
From slipping in.

The Elder Warrior Consulting with Her Daughter

My mother continues to astound me in so many ways.  Her short-term memory is shorter than a list to a 5-n-dime store but hurt her babies, she'll make war.  This is a woman who lost her husband to an unexpected death and then gets a call from her daughter telling her in no uncertain terms she and her newborn baby are leaving a narcissistic abuser and "Pick me up right away."  A woman diagnosed with Parkinson's who shouldn't even have been driving in the first place.  But hot damn.  There she was in the dead of night like a beacon of light.  Fast forward to the present, three years into this ridiculous battle, and she carries her tomahawk; swinging it proudly.  I used to nearly bite my own tongue listening to her listening to my abusive ex; giving him hugs, no less.  Now I see a whole new side.  Sure she smiles politely.  And mutters some ineligible sarcastic comment referring to him under her breath.  He leaned in today and nearly shouted in his overbearing tone "What was that? Did you say something?"  She smiled sweetly "You better watch yourself.  You're in my house and she's my daughter." 

The visits have been ending earlier and earlier.  Mostly because Tot asks to come back home.  My mother danced and sang and did her she-warrior dance "We're coming to the end of this.  You know that, right?  He doesn't know how to entertain or bond with his own son."  She sat down on her throne in the living room and pointed her finger at me.  Laughing.  Telling me to keep doing whatever it is I'm doing because "quite frankly.  It's working."  What I'm doing is ignoring the mind games and emotional warfare.  I've learned no comment is far better than any screaming match against someone who wants nothing more than to see me lose control.  I've learned that smiling to someone who only wants to see tears or anger is a far better and more healing response. 

So tonight, as Tot finally went to bed at a reasonable time, mother and I discussed the very near future.  I personally savored this sweet moment of clarity.  She'll say the same things over and over again and "I love you.  I'm so proud of you" is among my personal favorites. 

The Child Will Decide

I reminded him of his visit
A change in his routine
Christmas Eve and Saturday
He looked straight ahead
Declared
"I don't want to go"
I held him tight
Reminded I loved him
Reassured him that
Could tell me anything
"Go and just be you. 
Always remember love.
It's what we do"
He nodded
Held me tighter
Whispered
"I love you"

*We sat and continued watching the rest of King Kong.  I sat & pondered his words.  The first time my 3 yr old Tot has voiced his refusal to see his dad.  His dad pulled into the driveway, Tot put on his coat..stomped in the direction of the door and muttered "Again? I have to see him again?"  By the time he actually reached the door, he made his decision. He turned to me "I'll be strong. Like King Kong."  I had hoped there would be more of a bond, but there clearly is not.  My child knows how to make his own decisions.  I proudly instill this in him.  I'm getting a picture of what the future entails and I tell you right now, I'm not worried.  Not nearly as much as I expected to be.  He will decide when he absolutely no longer wants to go.  I won't push his decision.  I know this all sounds weird.  I just know my child.  He's so much like me.  He needs time to think about everything.  A bit of an introvert.  Push the introverted child or person and everything falls amuck.  He knows and trusts that he can tell me everything.  More importantly, it's what he doesn't talk about that is more telling.  And that's when I fill him with more reassurance.  As I've mentioned in earlier blog posts, nothing abusive is happening during the visits.  It's just a bond that is not being filled.  My Tot knows it.  It's as if he goes now because it's his duty.  While I wait and watch the clock to strike 6:30.

Christmas Eve..Eve

I've been away from my fledgling blog.  Living a life that now has a life of its own.  My Tot & I are moving along.  Both learning the ropes.  Tomorrow my Tot will be away spending time with his dad.  So many things my boy is learning and moving through in his young life.  He now has separation anxiety.  To fix that, I have taken to going to bed when he does.  He stays up way later than your average 3 yr old and I have racked my brain trying to figure out a way to get him to go to bed when other toddlers go to bed.  You know what I surmise?  The boy is so much like me, he's going to do it his way.  No matter what.  On a completely selfish note, it works quite well going to bed during the work week at 9 pm.  10pm at the latest.  I get up at 4:30 am Monday through Friday.  And now my boy does too.  Go ahead and scratch your head and wave your finger in my direction.  Kids are so much smarter than we adults.  He's figured out he can spend more time with me by waking up at the crack of dawn.  He's forcing me to take care of my tired spirit (going to bed earlier than an 80 year old). 

So here we are.  This week off.  Time to bond.  My Tot got so flippin excited he literally made himself sick.  I don't know about you, but I'll be a happy person if I never see goldfish and grape juice on the flip side of an upset stomach.  This was the first year I was able to watch him build his snow man.  I missed it last year because of work and I cried for a week.  It's a milestone much like walking, talking, and laughing for the very first time.  I was able to watch "Despicable Me", "King Kong", and "Mighty Joe Young" with him.  Him.  Curled up by side.  "Save me, Mommy.."  That's his cue for me wrap my arms around him while we snuggle on the couch watching King Kong defeat the blasted, ignorant dinosaurs.  I still have 3 baskets of clothes to fold but nap time wins precedence over that every single time.  3 hour naps and I ain't afraid to brag. 

Santa whispered in my ear last month to buy his presents and wrap and hide them promptly.  So.  I complied.  Thank God I did.  A mountain of bills don't measure the wonder on his little face as he looks at the Christmas tree telling me over & over what I should tell Santa what he wants for Christmas.  Last month, I was really in the dumps.  Now? I am excited.  Christmas music playing in the kitchen as Mamaw and Tot argue kindly on the best way to load the dishwasher. Tot and I fairly agree that bowls belong on the bottom rack but that is so beside the point. 

So tomorrow, my oldest brother and his tribe will flounce around this house.  Our voices will carry into the next neighborhood.  We're German and Irish through and through.  We hug, argue about the tightness of such hug, yell in absolute disgrace, hug again, eat, watch mindless T.V., tell the same stories, and argue about the telling of these stories.  Tot, like he did last year, will take mental notes and meet with me later. He'll laugh and talk endlessly about his favorite cousin.  We'll both go to bed with sugar plums dancing through our head.  Christmas day is mine to spend with Tot.  We'll laugh.  And laugh a lot. 

You Will Love

Truth be told
You will love
If it happened
Once
It will happen
Again.

The Longest Nights

The longest nights are not
Sitting alone
The longest nights are
Those nights
Awake
In someone else's dream
Without hope
For reality.