Words fall and trickle down my stony back
like pebbles rolling down concrete
No longer the child heart
waiting for apologetic repeat
Letting the words spill from others
Strangers
Neighbors
Mother
Brothers
They're just words, I remind myself
Turning
Walking away
Spiritually
Mentally
Feeling the strength rise up
to move on
physically.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Reboot
It's been a while since I've posted here. Time I did not plan on taking away, but apparently, I needed the time. The rest to find the rest. I could go on and on about why. It's all done and I'm back to sing a new song.
It wasn't exactly me falling so hard that I'm now starting all over, but I am starting over. A couple of chapters I never expected and certainly could not have foreseen. Sometimes I just cried thinking it was all a bit too obscene. If I learned anything of this life, it's that nothing really goes as planned - not everything, anyway.
In December, I thought my son and I would be homeless. In January, I fell back into my darkest depression. I gave up the idea of my career; threw my hands up in the air and set out for something completely different. I travelled to New Mexico and despised every fucked up second of that business trip that turned out to be one big trigger; a trigger of memories that I stomped down 3 or 4 years ago. I threw my hands up again and gave in. I'm telling ya, I caved completely in.
REBOOT
And so here I am. Finally with a semblance of happiness. I'm a licensed physical therapist assistant in the state of Missouri and now I'm waiting for my Illinois endorsement. While I wait the 8 weeks or so, I will be working at McDonald's (why does that make me giggle?) I cannot WAIT! A place I will be completely anonymous. A new person. A new start. A new life. I have my sweet, little nest egg saved up, so I could give 2 shits how much they pay me. Give me my uniform. Teach me the lingo I all ready know "Hi! Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like a super-sized Big Mac meal today?" I'll wear my hair in a pony-tail and chit chat with the teeny-boppers about life and stupid nonsense on our downtime.
NOSTALGIA
I was 19 when I worked there. Before all the trauma and abuse and stupid shit I let into my life. I was free. It was before I became serious about anything but going out after work and having fun. Staying up until 3am and going into work at 6am. Getting off of work at 5pm and driving like a bat out of hell to the concert arena to see Stevie Nix. I was so abundantly me, then. I was 19. Working at McDonald's as a store manager and thinking my shit did not stink and seeing my life spread out before me with the beauty of the setting and rising sun. It was before I learned to hate myself and put myself away in the back of some discarded, dusty shelf.
And so here I am. Years later. Preparing to start all over again. In a place that does not remind me of my pain and torture. It reminds me of my better self.
I think this is life saying "Here. Let's close the book and write a new one."
It wasn't exactly me falling so hard that I'm now starting all over, but I am starting over. A couple of chapters I never expected and certainly could not have foreseen. Sometimes I just cried thinking it was all a bit too obscene. If I learned anything of this life, it's that nothing really goes as planned - not everything, anyway.
In December, I thought my son and I would be homeless. In January, I fell back into my darkest depression. I gave up the idea of my career; threw my hands up in the air and set out for something completely different. I travelled to New Mexico and despised every fucked up second of that business trip that turned out to be one big trigger; a trigger of memories that I stomped down 3 or 4 years ago. I threw my hands up again and gave in. I'm telling ya, I caved completely in.
REBOOT
And so here I am. Finally with a semblance of happiness. I'm a licensed physical therapist assistant in the state of Missouri and now I'm waiting for my Illinois endorsement. While I wait the 8 weeks or so, I will be working at McDonald's (why does that make me giggle?) I cannot WAIT! A place I will be completely anonymous. A new person. A new start. A new life. I have my sweet, little nest egg saved up, so I could give 2 shits how much they pay me. Give me my uniform. Teach me the lingo I all ready know "Hi! Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like a super-sized Big Mac meal today?" I'll wear my hair in a pony-tail and chit chat with the teeny-boppers about life and stupid nonsense on our downtime.
NOSTALGIA
I was 19 when I worked there. Before all the trauma and abuse and stupid shit I let into my life. I was free. It was before I became serious about anything but going out after work and having fun. Staying up until 3am and going into work at 6am. Getting off of work at 5pm and driving like a bat out of hell to the concert arena to see Stevie Nix. I was so abundantly me, then. I was 19. Working at McDonald's as a store manager and thinking my shit did not stink and seeing my life spread out before me with the beauty of the setting and rising sun. It was before I learned to hate myself and put myself away in the back of some discarded, dusty shelf.
And so here I am. Years later. Preparing to start all over again. In a place that does not remind me of my pain and torture. It reminds me of my better self.
I think this is life saying "Here. Let's close the book and write a new one."
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