Quiet Reflections

     I sat at the kitchen table while Tot watched Sponge Bob.  Clearing my head as he is just getting over a cold and feeling sick.  Anyway, I was on Pinterest - browsing and pinning inspiring pins and making it a point of not thinking.  I stumbled on Holocaust pins.  I have always felt a connection to the Holocaust.  I've read and collect several books that are so heart wrenching and inspiring.  I started to feel guilty at having this connection with them - the survivors.  Then I started to really think about it.  It's so easy for the human spirit to be ripped apart, shredded, and nearly deleted.  I looked at my own spirit's journey and how long it took to finally find her after finding escape and safety.  I looked at the isolation I surrounded myself in and sometimes fall back on like a warm blanket on a cold, dark night.  I looked at the mental, spiritual, and psychological effects left over.  I looked even closer at the psychosomatic physical effects the mental and verbal abuse had on my body; effects I'm still healing from.  It took no time at all for any of it to take place and start showing its ugly effects. 
     As my journey is about to gloriously come to a close, there are those that are just starting.  Some will never find the courage to begin and others won't even have that option as their life is ultimately deleted.  I think about my ex moving on after having found his next victim.  She won't listen to me even if I tried valiantly to explain my experience.  I just pray that by some stroke of luck she stumbles on the idea of investigating me.  I pray she Google's my name and reads my blog.  I pray, on that day, she decides not to be a victim. 
     Sometimes I do travel back.  Not as far in as to cause myself spiritual harm - just far enough to remind myself how far I've come; how much I overcame to get to this point.  The only way domestic violence will end is if the survivors continue to shed light on the subject.  So today I pray.  And sit in quiet reflection. 

I Own It

I dried my tears
On the steps to
The courthouse
My heals stomping
Firmly planting
All the planning
My life in a file
I own it

Times I wanted to scream
I remember the scheme
The thick plot
A cauldron burned hot
Forging a scrap into steel
I would not be the last meal
I would show up
Every single time
This life is mine
I own it

My file's now buried
Amidst the dusty new
Some will give up
But there will be a few
Who will stand up
Show up
Own it

Ravaged Soul

I remember
Sitting in the darkness
Without a hand to hold
You drifted in
Like the wind
Held my hand
Late night talks
Careful walks
Through my cavernous
Ravaged soul
I told you all
I had nothing to give
This you would forgive
I felt the window open
With a sliver of light
Pouring through
My nothing shining
It didn't look so bad
I started to forget I was sad
A friend in the dark
Letting me cry
Until my soul would
Feel a spark
Come alive
Survive
Thrive

Carry On

Suitcase full of
Dreams and hope
A toothbrush and
A bar of soap
I got up today
I got dressed
I was such a mess
But I walked like
I knew what I was doing
Forgetting the judging hearts
That are always suing
I looked out the window
Forgot about my pillow
Carry on

Here's to You & Me

We made it through
The harsh reality
Survivors of the storm
Slayers to the norm
Walking our path
Outside the lines
Cutting away vines
Roses without thorns
Searching out every
She who mourns
Lifting her up
Filling the cup
Hand in hand
In hand
Far from the barren land

Pawn Shop Diamonds

It was in the
seedy part of town
And I was going down
with the ring in my pocket
How much for this
worthless trinket?
and dank and dingy inside
Where lost souls could run
and hide
I plucked the ring outta my pocket
Diamonds lost their shine
It was no longer mine
$200.00 prize
No real surprise
I took the money
Walked outside
Thankful that the bad spirits
Trapped inside the stones were
Now trapped under glass
Out of my pocket
No longer
Second class

Cowgirl Up

Shoot 'em up
Watch the dust
Settle
It's a trivial pursuit
Watching
The cantankerous cowboy
Stroll in like he owns my town
I'm grabbing my guns
You're going down
It's the way I was taught
A hard fight fought
Is a hard fight won
I want to be the one
Shining in the sun
But if I shoot 'em all up
Who's there for
This Buttercup?
A sly smile
Ok
I see it
I don't believe it
The gentleman hand
Now that
I can stand
And second guess
My final stand
With my guns in my hand

Lock and Load

Click, Click
I see you standing there
Pull
I'll shoot before you do
Before I hear the thunder
Of your denial
It's a lusty
Dusty
Trial
Click, click
Think quick
Pull
The sound of the hammer
I want to see a stammer
Not mine
Click, click
My hand's itching
Waiting for your bitching
Pull
The stance so strong
It can't go wrong
Click, click
Better run
Hun
Pull
I smile sweet
But I'm not innocent
Words
So maleficent
Click, click
Make your plea
We're not here
Having tea
Pull

Lone Sparrow

She flitted and flew
And on the sill
She sat
A life under brew
She looked
Right
Then she looked left
Her wings twitching
Anxious for flight

Sitting on the sill
The sparrow
Considers her path
Carefully weighing
The options
Doing the math

Razor Thought

Cutting
It cuts so deep
Yet I do not weep
It slices through
My cynicism
My cutting self image
The cutting scrimmage
A paper cut
I cannot forget
The bleeding
Thin red line of hope
I let
In
Under my skin
Ravaging thoughts
Scramble forward
Liking all the bleeding
I guess
Razor thought
Leaving the
Loveliest scar
By far

Consistency, Persistency

They sat down and had tea
Consistency and Persistency
Smiled at the appropriate time
Wiping their mouth with
Their linen napkin
The waiter was impressed
With their stylish dress
Nodding
And continuing their conversation
Eating a cupcake
Made with the
Sweetest persuasion

Steam Train Rolling

Come at me
In the cover of dark
Let me hear your
Mournful whistle
Grab my attention
Make me believe
That you're a
Steam train rolling
To my heart
Under my sleeve

Big Mouth Woman

I'm spilling it all tonight
My heart and spirit
Are having a fight
I'm telling you now
I don't know any other way
Let it all out
Come what may
I'm a big mouth woman
You can't shut me up
Scratching at the silk
In my coffin
Still babbling
At the gaits
I'll be rambling
So many times
Quiet
And good
And nice
Watch out
I'm thinking twice
Put me in a corner
Give me something to
Distract me
Doesn't really matter
I'll find a time you don't like
And turn the key
Unlocking the words
Waiting inside my mouth

Don't Listen To Me

Don't listen to me
I'm just babbling
Words falling off
My heart string
I suppose I don't know
Anything
We know that's not true
But everyone plays along
With the sorrowful hue
Yell at me
Tell me I'm crazy
I'll more than likely
Believe you

I Don't Care

I don't care
I don't care
Yet I'm sending up
My flair
I don't care
I don't dare
The heart can rip
It can tear
Oh, but I don't care
No, no, no
I don't care
I swear
I'm as wild as a hare
Sitting on her couch
In her trap
Her snare
I don't care
Shrug it off
Give me a throaty cough
And tell me I'm not insane
All these feelings insane
Wait
I don't care
Maybe you see it
Maybe you don't
Maybe you will
Maybe you won't
Dammit
Here I go
Going way down low
In my busty throw
Telling you things
I don't tell acquaintances
Take another sip
Of the sweet wine
Straight off the vine
And tell you
I don't care
But you're always there
So I share

Balancing Act

Walking the tight rope
A thin, thin line
A tethered string
So high
I could fall
Or I could fly
Toes curling around
The rope that leads my way
I see the other side
I see a better day
Terra cotta soil waiting
For my feet
My journey
Still not complete
I hold my breath
Don't look down
The raging river under me
And I don't want to drown
One step
Then another
Gentle the grasp
On the dreams
I don't want to smother
The rope is swinging
But I'm still walking
I've come so far
It's the hope
I'm stalking.

Hear My Call

I pushed you all away
The friends that wanted to stay
Just wait a minute
Just a minute
While I figure this out
My soul tends to shout
I don't want to hurt you
My spirit was black and blue
The bruises are healing
But
God they ran so deep
Turn away while I weep
My heart crying
Please don't go
I can't stand another woe
Hear my call
Before I fall

Sledge Hammer To Concrete

I'm staying quiet
but I'm not meek
Looking down
I see my footprint
in the concrete
The steps to the
court are crumbling
I'm not tumbling
With the backswing
Whipping wind blowing
Hammer down
Pound after pound
Count my tears in your left hand
Look at nothing in your right
Wonder what I'm thinking
on this full moon night
I'm crouched down low now
Waiting for the final welt
Better dig down deep
Feel the concrete
I'd help you up
but you like rolling in the muck
Lie still while I swing
Hear my heart sing
You brought the hounds of Hell
to this fling
I'm gonna finish it
One final hit

Tappin' the Keys in Normandy

She blended in but
she stood out.
She looked everyone
in the eye; said her sweet "hi"
Her walker was just like
all the others but
hers seemed to sparkle
and didn't squeak.  She simply
glided down the hall
in her humble way.  She led me to
her piano.  Brought from home.
Alone.
Her music books scattered around;
waiting lovingly for her return.
She sat down rather gracefully and
almost purred.  The empty dining hall -
with its cracked, dirty floor and
broken swinging kitchen door -
an unexpected stage to her soft sage.
She stretched out her long fingers -
stretching out the wrinkles.  Her glittery
fingernail polish now scraped and fading -
like forgotten cupcake sprinkles.  She closed
her eyes and tapped out Ray Charles so poetically.
I sat in amazement.  Surely this was therapeutic
in some way.  She smiled.  I clapped.  She grabbed
another sheet and tapped.  2 more songs; ending with
the theme song from Titanic. 
It was slow.
In that dining hall, with the music from her
piano echoing hauntingly.
She stopped and we took the long walk back
to her crowded room.  In a corner, sat the picture of
her groom.  8 months gone and it seemed like yesterday.
I remember feeling that way.
Funny.  He looked like my dad.  Tears welling up
and I felt so sad.
She picked up the crocheted pot holder from her stack
of many. 
She asked me why her son didn't call back and then
smiled her sad smile and told me she had a show
to do on her piano.  The lonely piano tucked against
the wall of the dining hall.

This Moment

     I sit here now - in my moment.  Four years.  It seemed like a long time while I was in the middle of it.  Now?  It doesn't seem so long.  I feel the need to share this moment with you.  I came so close so many times to losing myself and now I found me.  My ex-husband is slowly taking his leave.  He skipped out on a chance to see his son on his chosen Saturday.  I had thought it would make my son sad.  My son did not think anything except where he and I were going to go that day.  He is so resilient and so full of faith - it's contagious.  We celebrated our new journey.  It's new and it still needs details ironing out but it was so exhilarating for both of us.  I put it all in God's Hands.  No more ill-will or feelings of frustration and anxiety.  No more feeling like I need to isolate myself.  I cannot help but feel a rush of excitement. 

     I will never understand why some people would think to turn their back on pure beauty; such as my son.  Then again, I never want to understand that reasoning.  My son and I will simply turn our face to the sun and walk on.  My son will hopefully never get the chance to see the worst of his dad.  I say 'hopefully' because nothing is official.  It's just the wind whispering peace into my soul.  All the heartache.  The nights staying up until the sun rose in her beautiful sky and trying to make it through a day on sheer exhaustion.  All the times I cried and screamed.  The times I chose to stay silent.  It was all worth it.  Feeling this moment; it was worth it. 

Rest, Dear

Rest, dear
Your fight is over
Don't hang your head
Walk in the green grass
The clover
The beating, hard rain
Now falls soft and steady
You're cleansed
You're ready
Pick up all the dreams
You thought you threw away
Pick them up
Like their the glitter that they are
Pray
Rest
Your time has surely come
Your soft pillow now awaits
Heaven with its lovely angels
Have opened their gates
Stones fall from your shoulders
Better for the path that
You now walk
No more mucky path
Forget the wrath
Rest, dear
Your new day is here.

Saturday Reverie

He cancelled the visit with his son
like he was returning a shirt that no
longer fit.  My son,
so innocent and sweet -
with his sweet blue eyes -
looked up at me unaware.
Now it was our Saturday.
We could go anywhere.  The adventures
never ending.  The laughing endless.
Sweet Saturday reverie.
He and me.
So sweetly.

All Night

All night
Burning
Words
Churning
They sat so
Patiently
Now they
Burst forth
As the clock
Ticks
To the
Hour more.

Fake Flowers

A cluster of
Fake flowers
Clinging to the
Plaster wall
Irises
Tulips
Hydrangeas
And the
Dogged Dogwood
Perfectly perfect
In their ability
To gather dust
Stems that never
Need watering
Just gathering
Anonymously

Dear Phyllis

She didn't like me
I could tell it
Straight away
She summed me up
And bagged me away
In the corner of her
Depressing
Little room
I wanted to laugh
But not to offend
Or condescend
Her cat eyes
Clawing
There was laughter behind
Her hard little front
So I prodded until I
Heard it
I'm stubborn that way
I loved her fight
She said she couldn't walk
So I distracted her with
Simple talk
Until her feet
Carried her
Before she had time to
Question it
We had a silent sparring
Her telling me what family really was
I wanted to shake her
But I didn't have to
I told her of my little
Family of 2
Me and son with eyes of blue
She shuddered
Closed those cat eyes
Dear sweet Phyllis
I hope you're running
All the cantankerous old men away
I hope to meet you again
Someday.

Out of the Ordinary

I notice everything
And I noticed her
She stood out of the crowd
An elegant woman
In a crowd
Of faded sweatpants
and dirty coats
In a fleeting minute
I knew
We shared a
Similar story
But she held all the glory
I wanted to sit down and
Chat with her
But the lunch bell
Tolled much too soon
Proud wolf mother

Gathering of Swans

We stood at the window
He reminded of my dad
4 years ago
And I remember it like
It was yesterday
Tears gathered in my eyes
Knowing our time was
About to come to a close
He said
"I know."
And he did
His arm wrapped around me
Hugging me tight
We watched the
Swans gather
A thousand words I could not say
And he repeated
"I know"
I thought of my dad
This sweet old gent
Heaven sent
Mason stone
Accepting all my unknown

The Greatest of Fools

I push them all away
In one form or another
To save them the
Torment of seeing my
Seventh realm Hell
But still they gather
Some quiet
And some
With the loudest chatter
I could not stand to ignore
Truth so sweet in the honesty
I adore
They're the
Greatest of fools
Having themselves
Fallen from the
Tallest stools
I hide in the shadows sometimes
Waiting for them to quietly pass by
Because that's what happens in my life
The hardest goodbye
I can never say
So I wait
But still they stay
Understanding my silence
My painful repentance
Some have seen me cry
Waiting for the day of laughter
Knowing
There'll always be another chapter
I swear
This too
Makes me cry
The most beautiful souls
I've ever met
The greatest of fools
Never shying away from the
Simplest of
How-do-you-do's
That bring me
Back to them
The comforting

Training Day

I'm not built for this fight

She said

That was then

And this is now

Wipe my brow

Take it all again

Chagrin

You can have my chin

I'll take your shin

Punch

Beat

Up on my feet

No defeat

The ropes feel good

Buried in my back

I attack

You're going to learn

I feel better for the burn

Sweat dripping in my eyes

Animal cries

8 rounds is nothing

Give me more

I'm not even sore

I'll laugh as you close

Your swollen eyes

Raise my hand

I've all ready won

This round

Four Years in the Wandering

It took me this long
To look at myself in the mirror
To see the girl
The woman
I've become
Though it wasn't all fun
I'm beginning to see the sun
Four years in the wandering
All the crawling
Soul squandering
I hated it
I loved it
I despised it
I relished it
I turned away as long as I could
Now I see
While the looking is good
One last look
Before I turned the page
In my book

I practiced the forced smile
On a grey mask
Such a daunting task
I talked to the
Chalk outline on the floor
Asking her to give
Just one more
I felt like a murdered soul
Four years in the wandering
God knows
I was tired
Giving it all away
For a better day
Sleeping my life away
Love yourself
The words screaming in me
And all I saw was the ugly
I tore at her relentlessly
The reflection staring back at me
I just couldn't see

Sweet girls
Get hurt with
The rocks that life hurls
So I became bitter
But I was damn good
At hiding that litter
The reflection still smiling
And I wondered why

Four years in the wandering
I let it go
The baggage much too heavy
The dam was going to break
That weak levy
No matter what I did
Or didn't do
So why fight
Bring on the night
Heavy sighs
Tired eyes
Taking one last look
Seeing an apparition of a
Babbling brook
Of times I carelessly
Fished the bubbling creek
I thought I lost her
But she was there all along
Waiting in the reflection
Waiting for me to see
The woman I've become
And finally love the
Girl with the
Daisy chain

Hand to glass
Watching the reflection
Lose her crass
I traced her outline
It's mine
And I finally love her.

Turning Cheek

Don't think I
Still don't feel it
The slap
The thunder clap
You forced the turn
Body churn
Now I give you the other
As would any mother
And silently close the door
To the insanity

Weigthed Things

They cling
The weighted things
Lonely and desolate
With a full house of cards
The amber glow of the
Streetlights under the
Silvery moon
Morning will be coming
All too soon
Heavy
Silent goodbyes
To all the lies
Silent screams and
Heavy sighs hiding
The frustrated cries
These weighted things
Will make my
Heart sing
Lining out my blessings
On the bare
Wooden floor
There's more
Forevermore.

And Now I Write

And now I bid you
Good night
As I write
7,000 words and growing
I am healing and sewing
My story

It's Not About Me

I say it all the time
It's not about me
But he screams in a happy
Thrill tone
"Mommy!"
God
He makes me feel like
I can conquer anything
I can dance
I can sing
I make him laugh
All the better
Our second half
Skinny arms
Knobby knees
Little hands in my hair
Softly to tease
Kissing my elbow
I glow
Discussing dinosaurs
And how high the
Eagle soars
I say it's not about me
If you ask him
He'll surely say
"It's Mommy and me."

Silver Shovel

I feel lighter but
The silver shovel
Glistens as it
Pushes more dirt
Heavy the burden
Preparing to do
The job made for two
It's what I'm being asked
To do
And yes
I'll gladly do it
But
I'm praying I don't fail
Praying my emotions
Aren't tethered and frail
I'll never ask anyone
To grab their own shovel
And help me
God help me
I wouldn't want the burden
To weigh anyone else down
I know what it feels like
To drown
In dirt.

You May Go Now

I send you off with a farewell
Neither fond or foreboding
No more fear of anything
Imploding
Your part time status was
Just too much
But I won't regress on such
You may go now
My son & I have new
Fields to plow
Don't second guess your
Decision
I trust God's precision
There will be talk of hate
In relation to your name
I don't even think it's a shame
It's what you must do
My son & I deserve true
You'll always be his father
But my son needs a daddy
Where time and simple moments
Matter
Forget the made up chatter
You hear in your guilty head
You have a certain path you
Must tread
We go in love to our new life
In peace and love
What happens to you is
Held in God's graceful glove.

We'll Be Fine

He drew his proverbial line
in the quicksand he was standing in.
A long time coming - so I was not
surprised.  Life catching up to him,
I surmised.  He looked tired.  Eyes wired
to some distant destination.  We both knew
this time would come.  I simply said,
"We'll be fine."