U Boat Rising

Sinking happily in the
Murky depths
No design
Easily defined
No sign of existence
Save for the
Whishing of the
Hushed motor
That no one
Could ever detect

Rising slowly
Assuredly
Faint pinging
As my ship
Kisses the
Water's surface
Interface
Rising up

U boat rising
Making my presence
Known in this
Vast ocean
Of wonder
No need
The quiet plunder
No need to
Take it all
Throw it all
Asunder
Just taking enough
In this rocky
Ocean rough

**Poem inspired by the novel I recently read "The Nazi Officer's Wife".  This holocaust survivor perfectly explained what it is like to survive unimaginable abuse / situations.  She eloquently describes the survivor's mindset.  I will never know the horrors of the holocaust but I do know what it's like to feel invisible.  I also know what it's like to choose invisibility.  In my life, I have personally met 4 holocaust survivors.  1 from the Buchenwald concentration camp.  The remaining 3 from Auschwitz.  All during the time I had recently left my ex.  Their presence still resonates with me.  3 women.  I male.  A rabbi.  Mothers.  They talked.  I listened.  The rabbi? You'd never know he was a holocaust survivor.  Always smiling; making others around him smile.  I held his hand when I found out what he'd been through.  He shrugged and smiled.  At the time, I thought, "If he can do it, so can I."  One woman could not sleep with the lights off.  I put my gait on her and she hugged me saying over and over "Pretty baby.  My pretty baby.  I love you.  No."  I knew what she meant.  I took that gait belt off faster than a lightning strike.  She stood up with me and hugged me.  I cried.  She cried.  I thought "If she can stand, so can I."  One was so deadpan in her resistance to believe in God.  She talked.  I listened.  Her entire family.  Murdered.  Except for her.  She was but a child in Auschwitz.  A death camp that did not appreciate the presence of children.  She met her husband in Auschwitz.  They went on to live a happy life with children spoiled rotten and happy.  I thought "My God.  If she can love again, then so can I." Buchenwald was not even on my radar but a Polish daughter explained her mother's resistance to touch.  Quiet voices always win with no grand promises.  She walked.  She apologized over and over when it was all said and done.  I thought, "She walked. So I will too."  I couldn't even answer her apology.  Typhoid.  Starvation.  She survived.  No apology necessary.

So you see, we do not live in straight-plane universe.  Its spherical shape wraps around and brings us together in unique ways.  We live together.  We learn together. 

Don't Let Me

I don't plan it
Not now
Vanishing into
Anonymity
That was my
Past calamity
Any sign of danger
Real or imagined
Vanishing
In plain sight
Ending it all
Before another
Horrid fight

Don't let me
Not now
Not now that
You know me
Now that you see
My anonymity
Forsaking my calamity
Keep on hugging me
I feel it
I have an identity

Under Wraps

It's a quiet battle now.  On my part, at least.  No longer the surprise at the incessant need for my ex to try to raise my ire.  My sweet, tenacious, 4yr old Tot turned to me tonight and said "Daddy gets mad at you sometimes because you don't..."  I stopped him.  I reiterated to my boy that he's loved.  He asked me if I "love daddy?"  I spoke honestly.  I said all people deserve kindness which "Is why we try not to talk bad about daddy."  I no longer have the anxiety of an unexpected court hearing.  They vanished suddenly some time ago.  I am quite capable of ending any argument before it turns me into raging dragon in front of my son.  I still enjoy slamming the door on stupid questions.  Stupid questions like "Why can't he spend the night with me?"  I am not the type of person to answer a question when they all ready know the answer.  I completely adhere to the simple fact that actions speak louder than words.  How do you tame an Irish / German dragon?  You calmly tell her that her silence will win the war.  You keep telling her that she is much stronger than this.  You don't try to leash her.  Irony?  You don't even attempt to tame her.  Why?  I'll tell you the same thing I tell my reflection in the mirror every splendid morning and quiet, hushed night "I am better than this.  You are a survivor.  Don't define yourself as a fighter.  You're not going to cower in the corner and hide.  Get up, girl.  Get out there.  This is your moment.  This is your life."

Nearly everyone around me now wants to simplify the definition of a sociopathic narcissistic abuser.  I shrug my shoulders now and quietly go about my way.  He is what he is.  I wonder.  Would you spend so much time trying to paint over a zebra's stripes?  No.  It's damn useless and stupid.  Not ignorant. Stupid.  So I don't try to paint over it any more.  I no longer have to monitor my reaction.  I know who I am.  I, in no way, need his definitive approval or disapproval.  His life is havoc.  It's his choice.  He can't keep Tot the full allotted time, which is limited in the way the court originally wrote it.  His choice.  He returns clothes to my doorstep that he's bought Tot.  His choice.  He promises Tot new toys.  His choice.  He talks bad about me.  His choice.  I understand the psychology behind it all.  Transference of energy.  Paint me as the "bad guy" so that the abuser can somehow justify his senseless actions.  Again.  It's stupid. 

A little off the subject, but not very far.  Let's define the difference between stupid and ignorant. Ignorant means you've done something wrong that you weren't aware was bad, prior to committing the "bad action."  Stupid means you know damn well it's bad and that there's no excuse suitable, yet you do the "bad action" despite better judgment and knowledge.  Ahh.  This reminds of the argument I had with my older brother when I was younger.  He claimed I was ignorant.  I startled him when I said, "No.  Actually I'm stupid."  This made him mad because he didn't quite understand what I was talking about.  He yelled and yelled.  I said that was stupid.  He insisted on calling it ignorant.  I grabbed the ginormous Webster's dictionary.  Turned to page that defined ignorant.  Calmly read it to him.  Then I turned to the page that defined stupid.  Calmly read it.  All the while, he was yelling.  Then I calmly hit him in the head and said "Now see?  That was stupid.  Mom's gonna be mad." Now don't go defining me as a violent person, for Pete's sake.  I bopped him just hard enough to make him stop.  It worked. 

My lovely readers.  All so kind and patient.  It's been a long journey.  So well worth it - hiding away - being the hermit.  Now? I feel life all around me.  I have the mostest ;) beautiful friends that take the place of my dysfunctional family.  I have a love inside me growing. A love for myself.  No more apologies.  I am who I am.  Oh, and I love me.  Ain't no one gonna stop my train.

One Last Frugal Attempt

One last time
He's trying to turn
The love of
My son's bright, blue eyes

I iterate
I reiterate
Tell him
Show him
Quietly wait for the
Light to return
Tonight didn't take as long
The love shown bright
Righted the wrong

I'll keep
Spelling it out
Showing it
Actions speak so much
Louder than the
Listless words splaying
All around
My bright
Blue eyed boy

Don't Cry For Me

I bleed it out
Can't always paint
Over a horrid shout
Words
Spilling on paper
Super hero
Healing caper
See my strengths
I go to great lengths
Rip out my weakness
Flaming pen
Burning deepness
Cheaper than therapy
Perhaps that belies
My cheapness
Anyway
Don't cry for me
I'll have a better tomorrow
It'll be a better day

*Today wasn't half bad.  In fact, it was quite beautiful. If I've learned anything, it's to appreciate the little things.  It's in the smaller fragments that make up the picture, as a whole.  I'm extremely proud to announce that I will have 2 more poems published on the Versewrights.com.  If I have nothing else, at least I still have my poetry - which has always been my saving grace.  Thank you for taking the time to read me.  My diary. 

Forget it All

Forget the Narcissistic mother
Pushing
Shoving
Punch word loving
Forget the bait
The trap
That lead you in
The argument
Her favorite sin
Forget
The apology
That will never come
Never apologize
For the wrong
You never done
Making excuses
It's useless
Forget it
She'll expand
Tell it grand
To neighbors
To strangers
To her best friend
She'll push shame
Shove it down your throat
Forget it
You'll never understand it
Don't even try
Tears dried up long ago
Don't ya know?
I can't even cry
Not anymore
She calls me bitch
She calls me whore
And tomorrow
She'll forget
Offer a favor
Petty repent
Waiting for relent
Seeing it as weak
'Round and 'round we go
Every damn week
Forget it all
Mama likes to feel tall

Please, Thank You, I'm Sorry

Oh it's hard
Saying please
Saying thank you
Tear my heart out
I'm sorry
These three phrases
Deft barrage
Behind someone else's
Camouflage
I'm learning
Slowly learning
Kindness doesn't always
Shatter
Sometimes
It does matter

Security Insecurity

I've a thousand insecurities
Walking blindly through
Life's brevities
Tough mask
Cold mask
Hiding the constant need
For reassurance
Propagation insurance
Choosing words carefully
Bracing for reality
Ice in face
Stark

One More Lie

One more lie
Flying off in the
Clouds tonight
Shiny red truck
What's one more lie?
He's not keeping count
Right?
Oh
But I am

Gotta tame the beast
Because she's flaming
Dragon cradling baby
Never listening to maybe
Take those senseless words
Sparrow's flying
High wire
Listing the ire
And the beast
She's sitting silent
Taming violent
Claws are out
Her boy's sleeping
You careless cuss
Don't wake him
You better hope
You don't wake me

Mommy Said

Never to make
the promise
I can't keep
So he won't weep
When all is broken
I will hold him
As I do
Everyday

Little Boy Blue

Little boy blue
Trying to make sense
Of lies told
Dishonesty disguised as true
Promises strewn
Of toys and places
He'll never see soon
Material love
Release white dove
To the innocent heart
Believing
The deceiving

Hiding my burning tears
Worrying about years
How much can he take?
I know my own stake
How much I can
Before I break
But this is my boy
Not some senseless
Lifeless toy

I see the joy
Fade in my boy
Waiting for the visit
Wondering out loud
Did he forget?
One time
Two time
Nickel dime
He can't tell time
That's what the monster's
Counting on
But my boy
My boy
He knows
He's not a toy
So he looks to me
For all his joy

Wipe my tears
Hope he doesn't see
Take a deep breath
Here comes Mommy

Little Miss Madge

Little Miss Madge
Wore her marriage badge
He
In the background
Retching incessantly
Emesis rising
Clutching her pocket book
Giving a squinted look
At anyone daring to question
She loved him so
Even though
Even though
He never told her so
Ordering her to shut up
Put up, Miss Madge
Pin your badge
Let all the world know

No More the Asking

It's a dreadful
thing
Always asking why
Part of the victim's
Sing song sing
When someone stops
Offering a kind hand
Lending more glitter
to the magical wonder wand

No more the asking
Simple tasking
Letting all things
Be

Drugstore Angel

She calls me honey
Like she's getting ready
To make me tea
Checks me out
Making small talk
Today opening up
Her tender vein
Every vulnerability
Matching my own
With the fluorescent lights
Buzzing
A waiting line cussing
To hell with convention
We spilled our guts
On the tile floor
As if it were asking for more
We laughed
Invariably dancing
As the talk
Turned to chalk
Outline for all to see
She
Just smiling

"He left me homeless. Shameless.
Now he's dead. And I am left with
the love of my life.  I finally found it!"

The Way of the Day

The pain wracked me
Hacked me
Head splitting in a
Million different pieces
Hasn't happened in a long time
So it caught me off guard
Nodded my head
Bombard

All my anxieties
Lay before me
In all my perplexities
Making my brain hurt
But
I have to work
Plow away
For my checkbook day

It eased
It appeased
Came again with a ferocity
Reminding me of the time
When I was younger
Almost making me sick
Keep walking
Keep talking
Keep smiling
Don't let anyone worry
Hurry
Hurry
Hurry

Afraid to hope
It's the grandest scope
The sledge hammer's about to fall
I just know it
But she sent the message
Then he sent the message
Then another smiled at me
And hope was all I could see

I'm sometimes
My own worst enemy
I fell in my car
So used to the pain
I had to stop to think
Poof!
It was gone
I smiled to myself
And drove away
Thankful for the day

2 Taps of the Cane

She sits by him
Prim petite
Eyes batting
His direction
So sweet
She pats his
Stiff shoulder
Manicured nails
Stark contrast to the
Cold rails

2 taps
Nothing less
Nothing more
Bristled old cane
Tapping
His arms
Refusing the wrapping

Thin lips pursing
Hand drops
Her kind rubbing stops
Wait for it
Because you know it'll come
She looks at him again
Honey's smacking her
Chewing gum
Thin, rail arm reaches
Pleading
It beseeches
Softer, now the rubbing
Honey
She just needs some loving

2 taps
Nothing less
Nothing more
Bristled old cane
Tapping
His arms
Refusing the wrapping

Toxic Apology

Battery acid
  dripping
Holes in concrete
  dropping
Fake tears
  mottled face
Bowed head
  disgrace
Walking away
  smugly
With a
  toxic apology

Hippy Kids

Oh, those hippy kids
are at it again. Chanting
peace, love, daisy chain.
Dancing in the rain.
Gonna change the world
in a big, big way. Just you
wait.

Mannequins

Mannequins
Pretending to be
Humans
Plastered
Frozen smiles
Dead
Lifeless eyes
Plastic arms
Reaching
Never moving
Never feeling
Standing in one place
With the same look
On a plastic face

Bella, Bella

Perfect ringlet pigtails.
With brown eyes
& flicks of gold speckled
all around them.  Perpetual
smile. Beautiful child.
Hands reaching up.  Buttercup.
Wrapping her skinny arms
'round my neck; 'round my heart.
Pointing to the door she says,
"Take me home."
Oh, my sweet.  I would if I could.
All I can do is kiss your
rosy cheek; replace your tears
with the same bright smile you
greeted me with. 
I apologize for the mama that
abandoned you.  I apologize for the
daddy that searches for his chosen poison
instead of searching for the perfect teddy
bear or hug to comfort you with.

Bella, Bella
Don't you cry
Bella, Bella
There's never really
a goodbye
I'll see you tomorrow
No 2yr old
should know sorrow