Don't Ask - Just Do

     As I finish a text to a dear friend going through life's most difficult challenges, I am reminded of what helped me through my own struggles.  The psychology of a struggle is not that difficult to understand.  We tend to shut down and go inward.  Friends will ask if "there's anything" they can do.  The person going through the struggle will not normally give a laundry list of things you can do, but the offer is open and extremely helpful.  Other friends and co-workers we're close to will say "Don't hesitate to let me know." Again, it's extremely helpful and I am not in any way trying to down play the offer or the meaning behind it.  Close friends, however, will not ask - they will do what needs to be done.  And there's so much you, as a friend, can do.  The list is endless.  Simple things that mean a lot to the person inside the tornadic pull of life. 

     Praying.  Not only that but telling the person that you're praying for them.  I'm not here to question anyone's religious beliefs or judge whether or not you pray.  I'm simply stating what helped me.  When my friends rallied around me and told me over and over they were praying for me, my burden seemed somewhat lightened.  I knew I wasn't alone because, quite simply, they told me so.  The repetitive nature also helped.  Anyone reading my blog could get an easy gist of my struggle.  It ain't over but at least I have good friends rallying my cause and sending a heart lined prayer to God.
     Listening.  Which involves contact.  Keeping in contact with someone that shuts out the world in times of struggle is very important.  We all go through struggles in life and we all have very individualized ways of dealing with our struggles.  Isolation can be very healing just so long it isn't to the point of causing more depression and unnecessary heartache.  During my worst storms, the most helpful thing was to have someone I knew come up to me and point-blank talk with me about it.  They asked questions that forced me to open up and talk.  Close friends sent (and still do) texts and called me on a regular basis without overwhelming me.  They listened to me as I cried, cussed, screamed, and broke.  Allowing someone to simply talk freely - even if you don't completely understand what they're going through, is priceless.  We humans are funny creatures.  We don't want to burden anyone with our burdens.  Why? Because we all have them.  Which makes it a beautiful process when we just open the door and keep the door open to communication.  Sometimes you have to break down the door.  I have a few friends who know this about me and will not tolerate me shutting them out and they understand that I don't do it on purpose or to end our friendship.  They just know me.  Like really does attract like.  They do the same thing and I have been known to break down their wall of discommunication - to let them know that I am not going anywhere.  I am here.  I will listen.  (I'm not even sure 'discommunication' is a word, but if you're in to playing Scrabble, that might win your game!)
     Humor.  This depends on the situation and it depends on the person.  My sense of humor is unpredictable and quirky.  It completely helped to have someone to talk to that went through a similar struggle as mine.  I will never forget a day last year where I was completely down-in-the-dumps and a co-worker I saw all the time stood by me as I smoked (don't judge!).  She immediately started talking about her "rotten ex-husband." Started telling me heartfelt truths about her life that made me want to curl up on the cold concrete, suck my thumb, and cry like a baby. Then she proceeded to chastise me for almost crying.  I laughed.  She told me about all his antics and how she decided one day to block his number so he couldn't call her non-stop.  That sparked me to tell her about my wedding day with my own ex-husband and how it seemed like I was going to a funeral in a drabby gray dress.  Long story short, we exchanged some pretty interesting stories in a matter of 20 minutes - laughing so hard, we had tears rolling down our cheeks.  It completely caught me off-guard.  Even now, there are a few friends of mine that are smart enough to know how to balance out listening and making me laugh.  No.  You're not a jester and no one likes to have someone hound them and bug them and pester them for the sake of a laugh.  It's a delicate; intricate thing.  Once in a while, getting completely off the subject and laughing, helps.  Balancing out talking, listening, and laughter.
     Gestures.  Could also be called 'kindness.'  Having that friend come over when you think you don't want company, with a bottle of wine in tow.  Offering to babysit.  Send a card.  A phone call.  An unexpected text of well wishing and love.  These are all things that people did for me that helped me the most.  They didn't ask if it was 'ok.'  They simply did it.  Friends that rallied around me during the most needed time in my life.  Hugs.  At my worst, I am not a touchy-feely kinda gal.  My close friends know this.  They also know that I get claustrophobic during the lowest times.  Which is why only a select few will warn me "I'm going to give you a big hug, you're going to let me, because you need it."  You know what?  They're always right. If they would've asked my permission, I probably would've said something completely inappropriate simply to blow off more steam. They warned me and bravely went in for the big ole hug that always makes me feel better.  No words.  Just big, rib-scrunching hugs.  Again.  It's about balance and harmony.  But if you know your close friends, this should all be easy. 

     This isn't rocket science.  It's the psychology of all of us.  Don't ever say, "I just don't know what to do."  There's little things that can make a huge impact.  I should also add that respecting someone's silence is also equally important.  You be the judge of how long you allow your friend to isolate and 'discommunicate.'  Just remember, there is such a thing as too much silence.  I'm blessed.  My friends don't allow silence for too terribly long.  They're either psychic, genius, or both - which is why they're my friends in the first place ;)

Lullaby Night

Writing my prose
Getting out my line
Letting it all unwind
Tangled thoughts
Now just a
Lullaby
Insomnia no longer
Seeking
My heart is too busy
Speaking
Yawning night
Tomorrow will come
No need to fight
Healing in the
Inner
Unraveling
Revealing

Warning Label

Contents
Under pressure
Sudden
Combustible
Implosion
When exposed to
Extreme situations
Or extreme environments


*work in progress.  This poem will surely be edited at some near or distant future.  I found myself in an unexpected tailspin after seeing a commercial with Mariska Hargitay who is a huge proponent of ending domestic violence.  Now one would surely think this would have me grabbing my proverbial tomahawk screeching like a proud Indian mama.  Quite the unexpected opposite.  It sparked emotions in me that rose and rose just one night ago. I later read a report from a domestic abuse survivor on an internet site.  I ignored my rising emotions - thinking it would all pass like the wind.  Nope.  I was sitting, getting ready to write beautiful poetry and angry, hot tears started spilling.  They poured out of me.  The more I tried to stop it, the more they spilled.  I needed that release.  All the labels and misperceptions and my own denial or resistance of emotion needed to stop.  It's a process.  I try so hard to paint it all pretty and make damn sure no one worries about me.  We all have moments and I surely had mine.  PTSD is something I put on the back burner.  Ignorance is definitely not bliss in this situation.  I decided today to just 'roll with it' instead of against it.  It had been so long since the symptoms hit me and they never hit me like they did last night.  It caught me off guard.  Now I know.  There will be times and certain situations that I won't be able to easily define.  The emotions will come suddenly and without warning.  Now I know.  I do like to be prepared, so last night was a blessing. 

Trippin'

P to the
T
S keeps getting me
   trippin' on the
D

Damn
Damn
Damn

Not again

Never Mind All That

My mind on a
Constant rewind
All day and
Into the night
But never mind
All that
Tit for tat
I hear the talk
See the body chalk
As my life is
Planned by soulless
Souls
Never mind
All that
It's just
Mindless chat
Not gonna spell
It all out
A-B-C
When I'm looking
At Z
How I get there
Is up to me
Mirthless laughter
Grates me
But I'll not let it
Berate me

Counting Blessings

Last night
Was hard
Feelings I never
Knew I had
Came crashing in
All around
I sat in my bed
A silent prayer
In my head
Love & affection
A night torn with
Confession
I laid down
Thinking God had
Much better things
To tend to
Then my own
Sorry, sorrowful feelings

2 hours had passed
I heard his footsteps
Felt his little hand
Lightly tap my leg
He climbed up
Resting his head on my pillow
His arm wrapping around mine
Love's tender vine
I counted our breaths
Until they rhythmically
Reached a calming
Unison
My love and affection
Never far in the reaching
My toddler's soft hair
His musical sigh
Sorrow left in an instant
I
The student
My son
Teaching
Comforting
Holding me
Through the night.

Thank You Note

Thank you for
Sitting with me
For reading
Feeling me
For all the countless
Times you tried to
Understand what
My heart was
Trying to say
Feelings so
Hard to convey
All the twisted
Convoluted turns
This journey has
Demanded
You never once
Reprimanded
The back steps
My thoughts
Second guess
The times I regress
You patiently waited
Believing in my
Progress
When tears spill
For reasons I know not
Why
You ask not the questions
I cannot answer
You simply wait with me
For the tide to subside
As my life unraveled and
Fell at my feet
You stood at the door
To my heart
Extending a hand
A soulful prayer
And refused to retreat.

Rambling

Listening to the sound
of the rain and cooling
jazz tones
that usually soothe my
weary soul.
So many emotions rolling
through this head of mine -
knotted vine. 
I'm starting to do it again.
Push people away so
they don't see my
Hell.
So much I want to say
but can never tell.
I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow -
forget this pain and sorrow.
Right now I feel the
cold labyrinth;
my silence.

Winds of Change

Electric air
Striking my skin
Sparks
A' tingling
Change so distant
On the horizon
Now blowing through
Closer than it's ever been

Someone will fall
Someone will rise up
    to the call

Go Ahead. Grin

Steady charge
To my voice
Ignoring his sneer
His laughter
In my face
Sweeping his
Cockroach droppings
Under the porch
In the soil
Where they belong
Turning my back on his
Constant wrong
He feels the heavy
Weight of time
And I see it
In his
Toothless grin

Holding the Night

It's late
I really should be
  fast asleep
Here I am
Holding the night
  letting the
    midnight grey
      carry me away
Tapping keys
   verses never leave

2 Cent Annie

2 cent Annie
Puts her 2 cents in
Making sure the
Merchant sees her
Hard earned money
Honey
She pays and pays
Caring not what
Anyone says
The money
Honey
Coins tinkling
In her purse
Curse
She's gotta
Get it out.

Enough

Tension
So thick
Cut through it
With a steely knife
Only to find more
Blame games
Shameful naming names
Silent talks that
Leak through the
Cracks in the walls
Leaving my heart
Bewildered and cold
One stubby finger
Painfully pointing
Forsaking the
Other four
I can't take
Much more
My happy spirit
Becoming sore.

Biting My Tongue

Out there
I'm  alive
Lively jive
In here
My voice is
Failure to thrive
Biting my tongue
Swallowing even the
Smallest opinion
Biting so hard
I bleed inside
Tasting my own blood
Bottle everything up
Until the cork pops
My screams
Echoing off the
Dusty walls
Curl my tongue
Back in
Bite down harder
Again.

Silent Ire

Even before I'm
Finished speaking
She's got the
By-line
In half a second
She's jumped off
The steep cliff of
Conclusion
Nodding her head
Mind made up

My voice fading
Before I finish
Because now
She's not listening.

Hope Rising

I guess
I'm not used
To this
This hope
Building
Inside of me
No matter
How many times
I pick it apart
It springs up

Oh, such the
Stubborn hope
Finding me
More often.

Slamming Door

I slam it
Push it
Ram it
Just to hear it
Slam
In your face
Midsentence
Always the best
Hear the loud
Click of the
Lock
Run to your car
I've got the phone
In my hand
Law dog's on the prowl
Your time's almost done
Better go have
Your last run of fun.

Kite String

Unravel the string
Slowly
With the wind
Wait
For the perfect catch
Watch it rise
String pulled taut
To the line
You hold
In your hand.

Over & Done

The brisk wind blows
Resurrection
Easter lily rising
New spring morn
No more
Will I mourn

Laundry Day

I'm hanging
Some feelings
Out to dry
On the clothesline
Out back
Neatly placed
Clothespin
Drip
Drip
Drip dry

Shaking out
Fear
Hanging it up
Snapping
Worry
Pinning it up high
Anger
Needs a little shade
It's had enough sun
Sadness
Needs to feel
Lovely again
It needs full light

Now I just stand back
Watch the breeze
And the sun
Cleanse these
Feelings mine.

Skipping Stones

Graceful
Side throw
Close to water
Watching
Rocks skip merrily
Ripples
Softly greet
My bare feet.

Some, Some, Summertime

I remember
Fishing pole swinging
Walking the
Winding trail to the
Creek
Sliding down the
Steep hill
Muddy
Summertime thrill
Digging for worms
and crickets
For bait
Long arc of the line
Sitting
Watching
The wait

We never caught any fish
But we felt so
Accomplished
Climbing the steep hill
Telling our whale
Of a
Fishing tale
Laughing
Exhausted exaltation.

Commercializing Jesus

I don't want to sound like a martyr.  I was in a Christian bookstore looking for a bible for my son -- so I could read it to him.  He's at that age where he is trying to put all the pieces of God and Jesus together and it is a little confusing.  The age-appropriate bible is thick with pictures and a beautiful way of explaining Jesus and His message.

As I stood in the store, perusing the merchandise, it struck me.  So odd.  Key chains with Jesus messages.  Bookmarks with prayers.  Devotional books by the dozen.  Bracelets, anklets, trinkets.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's great.  It just all seemed so "commercial" -- the real message somehow getting lost in the material world.  Outside the store, a photographer and a person dressed in an oversized bunny suit were attempting to calm a scared straight toddler.  The mother admonished her -- demanding the picture to be completed as scheduled.  I saw life through that toddler's eyes.  Bunnies are not supposed to be that darn big.  Let's just face it.  I know the picture will be an overall success and the mother and daughter will laugh about the memory in years to come. 

It just seems to me that all of the Christian holidays are now overly commercialized.  Easter is such a beautiful Christian story of resurrection but it just seems to be getting lost in the Easter egg hunt and photo-ops with Peter Cottontail. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.  Personally, I'm glad I spent more money on Tot's bible and less on his little Easter basket. 

Endless Grieving

There are many things she mourns
Primarily it's her wayward
Forgetful mind
Seeing a giraffe
Demanding it was a camel
Trying
To humbly accept the correction
Crying
Knowing the downhill resolution
From here
It only gets worst
She hurts
Stealing away to her bathroom sanctuary
Consulting Mother Mary
God
And all His angels
She's with it enough to know
She's fighting the
Damning
"I don't know"
Memories now
Dark and shaded
Happy faded
As everyone around tries
To help
Her mind sitting on
The dusty shelf.

*She's not just my mother with dementia.  She's a strong, independent, spirited woman who knows her mind is failing her.  It's the hardest thing to watch.  Heartbreaking and frustrating to live through.  Her ability to hide it is even quickly fading and the reality becoming more stark.  She lashes out.  I'd fairly do the same.  It's so damn unfair.  We try to steal happy moments.  Laugh as much as possible.  But to be honest -- it's getting harder.

New Eyes

I look at the
Dirty, old town
With new eyes
Instead of seeing
Weathered siding
I now see the
Bustling remodeling
Sunlight glistening
Windows getting
Slowly cleaned
One-at-a-time.

Requiem

Memories flooded in
taking my poetic verse
out with my salty tears of
remembrance.
Remembering the little,
little things that made me laugh.
Combing through old pictures;
arresting the moment.  His sparkling,
blue eyes.  I gazed at the wheat fields-
seeing them through his eyes.  Country
girl memories flooding my memory.  I
sat cross-legged in the center of my soul
and let it all in.  The tears, the laughter, the
questioning; everything.  The anniversary of
his death came blasting in my memory.
The sound of unexpected laughter and sad
smiles. The numb hand shakes and the
empty nods of agreement that his death
was a grievous grievance.  The closing of the
lid of the taupe coffin; screaming in my head
to see him one last time.  Point Guard final salute
on a sunny April morning.  Each blast reverberating
deep in my soul.  I counted each one. The faint
sound of the blast heavy in my spirit with each
footstep as we walked away from his grave.
It all came back.  4 years and it felt like yesterday.
I took the moment to remember.  My son saw his
picture hanging in the hallway and smiled and
wanted to touch his face.  "Grandpa."
We both laughed.  The sound a
resounding requiem.

Laughter on the Wind

We talked about grief
Laughing
Healing
Laughter dancing
In the blowing breeze
Of this
Unusually warm April Morn'
We took the curvy path
Discussing the
Sensible details in a
Nonsensical situation
Meandering memories
Resting on the tops of trees
Setting them free

Dancing in the No

     I didn't have time to listen to his request; his trumped up lies.  I sent out my own quick-fire texted answer of "no" as fast as a Pop-Tart popping up out of a toaster.  I laughed and danced and went about my day.  Of course he sent his slanderous answer back--as I knew he would.  I deleted the text and turned up the music.  I have not the time to bend to his will.  I have not the time to get lost in the darkness.  My life beautifully filling up and much, much too sunny now.  My "no" was immediate; automatic and unbending.  And did it ever feel good.

Hourglass Girl

Looking out
Beveled glass
Bending the scene
Magnify
Oh, the things I want
Soft sand
Sifting
Steadily falling

I've been stuck
In here so long
Fingers scratching
Smooth glass
Sliding
Filling
Filling
Limbs flailing
Mindless resistance

Tired
Sand now cradling me
Heavy lids close
Feeling a dreamy rise
Giving in
I forget my own demise
Fingers curling around the edge
Sleepily crawling out
Sand cascading behind me
As I finally walk out.

Patiently Impatient

Blood pumping
Feet tapping
Strumming my fingers
To some unknown beat
Sitting
Waiting
Heart's moving
Soul's dancing
In one place
All in me
So close to the
Big unknown
I'm smiling

Lights of the City

I see it in a different light
Maybe I sat in the darkness
Long enough
To appreciate it
The twinkling
The warning signs
Studied
Vigilantly
Knowing
Yielding doesn't mean
Stop
Prismatic colors
Of the distant
Passing cars
We
Each
On a destination

Excuse My Silence

Something happened
Good things
I never expected
My silence
Surrounded me
And I waited until
The shadows
Came back
Like they
Always do

But the
Universe shifted
Hope
Not just a word anymore
It washes over me
With sunlight spilling
In through the open window
Of my soul
That's been waiting for
This moment

I sit here
Reveling
Cherishing
This feeling

Out of Nowhere

The thoughts of him
Pop in my head
Like a folk song
I saw his smiling eyes
His blue eyes were
Reflected in today's sky
I immediately thought of
A wheat field
Before the plows of
Morning harvest
Glean
Golden
Untouched
His picture
Staring at me now
God
I wish he were here
To tell him
All
But he's sitting with me
An angel
Watching over me

I take my long drives
I think of him
Thoughts
Seemingly out of nowhere
Yet
He's everywhere


*Thoughts of dad.

A New Chapter

I took my drive along
the river late this morning.
Sun was shining.
Trees were dancing
in the gentle wind.
The water the day before
was rough with little peaks
of white caps. The waves of
the river crashed against the
rocks.  This day, the river
was placid.  She was softly
flowing.
I noticed her this day.  On my
mundane, little drive.  Getting
my errands done. I looked at her.
She quietly looked back at me as I
drove beside her.  My new chapter
opening up peacefully before me.