As I finish a text to a dear friend going through life's most difficult challenges, I am reminded of what helped me through my own struggles. The psychology of a struggle is not that difficult to understand. We tend to shut down and go inward. Friends will ask if "there's anything" they can do. The person going through the struggle will not normally give a laundry list of things you can do, but the offer is open and extremely helpful. Other friends and co-workers we're close to will say "Don't hesitate to let me know." Again, it's extremely helpful and I am not in any way trying to down play the offer or the meaning behind it. Close friends, however, will not ask - they will do what needs to be done. And there's so much you, as a friend, can do. The list is endless. Simple things that mean a lot to the person inside the tornadic pull of life.
Praying. Not only that but telling the person that you're praying for them. I'm not here to question anyone's religious beliefs or judge whether or not you pray. I'm simply stating what helped me. When my friends rallied around me and told me over and over they were praying for me, my burden seemed somewhat lightened. I knew I wasn't alone because, quite simply, they told me so. The repetitive nature also helped. Anyone reading my blog could get an easy gist of my struggle. It ain't over but at least I have good friends rallying my cause and sending a heart lined prayer to God.
Listening. Which involves contact. Keeping in contact with someone that shuts out the world in times of struggle is very important. We all go through struggles in life and we all have very individualized ways of dealing with our struggles. Isolation can be very healing just so long it isn't to the point of causing more depression and unnecessary heartache. During my worst storms, the most helpful thing was to have someone I knew come up to me and point-blank talk with me about it. They asked questions that forced me to open up and talk. Close friends sent (and still do) texts and called me on a regular basis without overwhelming me. They listened to me as I cried, cussed, screamed, and broke. Allowing someone to simply talk freely - even if you don't completely understand what they're going through, is priceless. We humans are funny creatures. We don't want to burden anyone with our burdens. Why? Because we all have them. Which makes it a beautiful process when we just open the door and keep the door open to communication. Sometimes you have to break down the door. I have a few friends who know this about me and will not tolerate me shutting them out and they understand that I don't do it on purpose or to end our friendship. They just know me. Like really does attract like. They do the same thing and I have been known to break down their wall of discommunication - to let them know that I am not going anywhere. I am here. I will listen. (I'm not even sure 'discommunication' is a word, but if you're in to playing Scrabble, that might win your game!)
Humor. This depends on the situation and it depends on the person. My sense of humor is unpredictable and quirky. It completely helped to have someone to talk to that went through a similar struggle as mine. I will never forget a day last year where I was completely down-in-the-dumps and a co-worker I saw all the time stood by me as I smoked (don't judge!). She immediately started talking about her "rotten ex-husband." Started telling me heartfelt truths about her life that made me want to curl up on the cold concrete, suck my thumb, and cry like a baby. Then she proceeded to chastise me for almost crying. I laughed. She told me about all his antics and how she decided one day to block his number so he couldn't call her non-stop. That sparked me to tell her about my wedding day with my own ex-husband and how it seemed like I was going to a funeral in a drabby gray dress. Long story short, we exchanged some pretty interesting stories in a matter of 20 minutes - laughing so hard, we had tears rolling down our cheeks. It completely caught me off-guard. Even now, there are a few friends of mine that are smart enough to know how to balance out listening and making me laugh. No. You're not a jester and no one likes to have someone hound them and bug them and pester them for the sake of a laugh. It's a delicate; intricate thing. Once in a while, getting completely off the subject and laughing, helps. Balancing out talking, listening, and laughter.
Gestures. Could also be called 'kindness.' Having that friend come over when you think you don't want company, with a bottle of wine in tow. Offering to babysit. Send a card. A phone call. An unexpected text of well wishing and love. These are all things that people did for me that helped me the most. They didn't ask if it was 'ok.' They simply did it. Friends that rallied around me during the most needed time in my life. Hugs. At my worst, I am not a touchy-feely kinda gal. My close friends know this. They also know that I get claustrophobic during the lowest times. Which is why only a select few will warn me "I'm going to give you a big hug, you're going to let me, because you need it." You know what? They're always right. If they would've asked my permission, I probably would've said something completely inappropriate simply to blow off more steam. They warned me and bravely went in for the big ole hug that always makes me feel better. No words. Just big, rib-scrunching hugs. Again. It's about balance and harmony. But if you know your close friends, this should all be easy.
This isn't rocket science. It's the psychology of all of us. Don't ever say, "I just don't know what to do." There's little things that can make a huge impact. I should also add that respecting someone's silence is also equally important. You be the judge of how long you allow your friend to isolate and 'discommunicate.' Just remember, there is such a thing as too much silence. I'm blessed. My friends don't allow silence for too terribly long. They're either psychic, genius, or both - which is why they're my friends in the first place ;)
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