Wednesday, December 31, 2014

What a Lovely Thing To Do

What a lovely thing
Making me feel
This feeling
This
I love you
That surrounds me now
Not worrying about the how
My God
What a lovely
Thing
To make
This heart
Sing

Into the Woods

I stumbled
Deeper and deeper
A wounded animal
Separating from the
Prying eyes
Into the forest
Shaded from the harsh
Open skies
Wounded arteries and veins
A spirit seeking rest
From life's pains
I fell on the soft moss
Needing to feel
Velvet surround
Caressing my head
Shielding me from another
Panging pang
Closing my eyes
From this monstrous thing

I heard the soft footsteps padding
Closer and closer they came
No strength to push away
No more feeling
Not even shame
They sat and waited
Deep in the forest with me
Encircling me
Souls I did not expect
Then again
Neither did they claim
To be perfect
Just simple acceptance

Healing in the Venting

I recently had the lovely opportunity of being involved in a chat on Twitter.  A chat for survivors of domestic abuse.  How completely liberating.  A moment to reflect on what our first happy moments were after leaving our nightmare.  I never really thought about it before.  It forced me to go back and pick out the brightest moments.  It forced me to realize there was a miracle in the making at the very moment my world felt like a bad dream.  It took my focus away from the pain of my abuser and put a positive light right back on me.  I am learning to do more of that without feeling selfish.  It's crucial in my healing to solely focus on me.  Of course I focus on my son, but if my focus is not on me, how in the world can I help him?  I have to be healthy.  It's getting easier; to balance *me* time with *our* time.  The more I participated, the more connections I made with fellow survivors.  Authors, mothers, poets, singers, daughters; friends.  I felt that wonderful warrior woman feeling come over me all over again.  It helped reiterate that I am most definitely not alone.  It helped my other followers on Twitter realize there is more to me than a 140 character poem hanging in the balance. 

This all came at a time when my ex decided to try to wrangle me in another beastly argument.  I needed the balance of fellow survivors to help me realize it isn't worth it to accept the invitation of his fight.  It helped me stay blessedly silent.  Some words are not even worth the breath or time it takes to utter them.  So I keep moving forward.  Head held high.  Tomahawk at my side.  Instead of a War Dance, I'm in my Sun Dance.  The spikes are in my tender flesh of my chest as I slowly move around the Maypole; meditating and reflecting in my own warmth of my soul.  Going deeper than I've ever gone before.  Not wasting time on regrets, excuses, or mindless recuses.  If I look back now, it's only long enough to see just how far I've come and keep moving on. 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Dearest of Souls

Dear God
I gave it my all
To push away
With all my fruitless gall
Just leave me withering here
Never mind the
Lonely, falling tear
I'd do anything to save you
From seeing me this way
Just go
Go away

Oh
But the dearest of souls
Are deaf to the loudest
Of screamless screams
Never letting me
Get too far
Silently rubbing elixir
Into every countless scar
Making me laugh
Into the second
Second half
Never minding
Tattered
Tattered
Me
Hot damn
If I don't feel pretty
No pity
You just sit
Allow me to forget
The hell
That keeps
Chasing me
Making me see
Heaven is
Not too far
In front of me

Healing Pool

Watching my own reflection
Blurred images
Of who
I'm supposed to be
Dipping my hand in
Silky surface swallowing
Deeper depth pulling
Lullaby from far behind
Constantly lulling
I'm sinking
I'm sinking
Into constant
Imperfection
Let the water surround me
Let it keep me
Only here
Do I feel whole

She's Had it All

She's had all she can take
Glass heart
Ready to break
Standing on the porch
Holding up her flickering torch
Listening to the threats
Of a callous soul
A mother
Protecting her daughter
Coming inside
Winded and breathless
Finding the laughter
The lovely toll

Mausoleum Meditation

Light my candle
Hang it high
In the cement walls
Shut the door
Let me crouch down low
Count the cracks in the floor
The Hell Hound is cackling again
So damn sure
He's gonna win

At least this time
There was a longer pause
Now I prepare for another
Tiresome battle
The chasing
Yipping, yapping dogs
Threatening war
In the marble court

I sink down
Into the quiet throne
Watch the flickering light
Gathering my might
Dear God
Keep me strong
To keep up this
Endless fight

Hold back my screams
The nightmarish scenes
Come rushing
I bite my tongue
Feel the steely taste of blood
Just as my knees
Sink in the mud

Good God
Just close the door
I don't know how much
I can take
Not anymore
Let me smell the
Familiar smell of death
Meditate deeper
Catch my breath
And do this again

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Holes in Hands

"Why, Mommy? Why?"
Bewildered look following
"Why are there holes in His hands?"
I looked in his face
Puckered brows
His passion building
And I felt so proud
"Why do you think?"

"The holes are there, Mommy, so
His spirit can fly free.  So He can
find us."

I don't know about you
But that answer
Settled in my soul
Like a thick, warm comforter
The kind only your
Grandmother could make

4 year old philosopher
Asking the questions
Tired adults
Forget to ask

Little Man

He wakes up in the
predawn hour
Waits patiently as I shower
Watches a mindless show
Listens intently
Before I have to go

Wipes a tear and asks me
What I do
Will I be back
In an hour
Or two
Softly this heartbroken mother
Gently explains
Feeling all of his wracking pains
Mama's gotta go
Travel to another traveling show
Concrete therapist
Leaving at an early hour

He doesn't break down
Nestled atop his perfect head
Remains the crown
He sees every hospital as a magical place
oh because, because
That's where Mommy works

We slay the dragon
Every single night
Without a breathless fight
I hold him close
A perfect boy
Round cheeks
Button nose
Savoring all the time I have
As my day is cut in half

He Said

My baby
My baby
How fast you learned
The word
Maybe
He said no
I don't wanna go
I don't like it
But my baby
He don't fret
Give him the choice
So he always has a voice
He changed his mind
Put on his coat
Looked back at me
An unwritten love note
He asked if I would be home
When he returned
My heart burned
I smiled nonchalantly
Of course
Of course
Shield the pain
Dry his eyes
As he walks in again
Quickly, my dear
Let's find the sun
Wipe that rampant tear



Friday, December 5, 2014

Driving on E

Driving down another winding road
Listening to the tune of a good,
good friend
Whistling wind
On my way home
to send
Passing the dirty gas station
I'll get gas tomorrow
Hearing the call of my
lovely little one
Waiting patiently
for my time to borrow
I'm driving on E
Kindly excuse me
I hear his plea

Pain on the Inside

I'm all knotted up
on the inside
Better than a bruise
it's so easy to hide
Pain that lingers
with clawing
skeleton fingers
I'm not stuck in the past
I just remember the catalyst
when I'm hunched over
clutching my gut
One foot on the green, green grass
The other stumbling in a rut

Tarnished Daughter

She looked in my eyes
seeing all the past lies
That's what I suppose
A few times holding me close
Most times
it just hurt her too damn much
'membering the harsh tones;
the rough touch
Mocking laughter for the
tarnished daughter
Mocking laughter
tarnished copper
She tries and tries
but most times she cries
'membering all the lies
Reaching for the daughter
hearing only mocking laughter

Golden Son

He's the golden son
Beholden one
Ain't never done no wrong
That's mama's constant song
Follow his broken lead
Pay heed
Don't ask why
Don't cry
Golden boy gets all the love
When push
comes to shove
Keep quiet
he's got something to say
Save your own say
for another rainy day
He's the golden son
The lucky one

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Damn Good Feeling

It's a damn good feeling
onion of my heart pealing
layers revealing
How strong can I be?
Just who am I
Who do I claim to be?
Tell the Sandman I slay
the monster
Took me 4 long years
a river of tears
a mile wide my fears
But holy to be true
I tell you
I did it
And it's a damn good feeling
A heart in her cage
beating strong
not for the thief looking for stealing

There was a time I believed the lies
the asking, asking why's
Sitting in a corner
a sad, little mourner
a wall flower that lost her shine
lost her love power
shoved it under the bed
hiding my sad, little head
Now just look
Walking the path without the crook
Hope keeps on whispering in my ear
I tried to shut it up
but it just kept up
Shutting up my own fear
And it's a damn good feeling
No more slicing
No more pealing
No more asking, asking why's
No more the girl
telling herself the senseless lies
That love is gone
I know that's wrong
I got all the love
any one person would
love to adore
for that
I have more
It's a damn good feeling
this process of healing

Women Before Me

Hard lines
Soft vines
Rough hands
Soft touch
Lullaby goodnight
to that good morning
Fiery love
Loving hard
without warning
Unclipped words
Unsheathed swords
Holding babe tight
deep in shadowed midnight
Yelling at monsters during the day
Singing so sweet in the hush of night
Asking for nothing
On the path
feet stomping
Paving the way
for a girl born in May

No You May Not

A polite tone
To my cutting stone
Answer's no
Now just go
Drive away fast
Just as fast as you can
Lil Mama's smiling
Hand on my steely gun
I heard you talk
I heard you stutter
Go on back to the gutter
Call with the threat
I all ready placed my bet
And honey
I've won
You sad, sorry
Son of a worthless gun

Friday, November 28, 2014

This is My Weekend

He didn't call
Didn't have the gall
Didn't come by
Not really sure if this
a final goodbye
But for now
this is what I have to say
if I were to have my say
Read the court papers
After all your capers
This is my weekend
No apologies
Please
My boy and I
A full weekend together
Son and mother
He and me
Waking up in Galilee
Our sweetest dream come true
It's true
We'll be running with King Kong
Running with the biggest dinosaur
So don't you dare knock on our door
This is my weekend
To spend
The most beautiful time
With this lovely boy of mine

It'll Only Hurt a Minute.. if that

Her eyes sparked and fired.  A boiling cauldron of emotion.  She hissed at me but I knew it wasn't directed at me.  I let her spew.  Words coming out few.  Little ears listening. 
"He didn't pick him up.  He didn't even call."  Ah-ha.  Now the crux of the problem came out into the light.  She was worried, of course.  How would this affect little Tot; a dad that doesn't want to be a dad.  She wanted his phone number.  I could see the fiery conversation she would have with him building in her head.  I fairly agree with her.  My mama.  Oh boy.  And then little Tot came totting up the steps into the kitchen as if he had just caught the monster.  He was so happy and proud.  He barreled towards me and wrapped his skinny arms around my legs and hugged me tight.  He likes hearing about where I work and what I do, so I took a minute to explain "why mommy has to work."  He smiled.  Hugged me tighter. 

Instead of talking to Mama directly, I talked to Tot.  "Look! Tot knows who loves him.  Who loves you, Tot?" Without even thinking for one second, he listed off his favorite people.  Not one of them being his daddy.  "Well.  Mommy's glad to see you here.  I missed you so much.  You had a fun-filled day.  Ain't nothing taking that away.  Right, Tot?" He nodded vigorously.  I could see Mama's eyes spinning in a new direction and she looked at me and smiled.  She tried to get his phone number again.  I completely ignored that.  Unabashedly. 

When Tot was downstairs, I sat with her.  Now we could talk.  I let her rant and say the same thing she has been saying from the very start of this from 4 years ago.  The "Doesn't he see what he's doing?" - to the "He should be ashamed of himself.  How can he even call himself a dad?"  I let her say that and more.  For God's sake, we all need to vent.  So she vented.  And then the blessed phone number perseveration.  Instead of talking like the Irish girl I am, I did something completely different.  I stared at her; stared until she stared back at me.  I held that stare.  I saw her look down like she was going to cry.  I felt her emotions.  I heard her mental chatter.  All of it centered around how Tot would react to *this*  situation.  Would he be okay, or would this mean the beginning of his eternal ruin?  I understand exactly where she's coming from.  How many times have I sat and cried with God about this very thing? Too many times to count to be quite honest.  I held up my hand and simply said, "It's only going to hurt a minute, if that. Tot sees and will continue to see who loves him.  I'm not going to let you waste a minute of your breath telling dear daddy your thoughts of him.  He won't listen and he doesn't care.  Our focus is Tot. I put this in God's Hands and this is the answer.  I trust it."  Basically saying, don't you dare mess this up!

That's the truth of it, friends.  It's only gonna hurt a minute.. if that.  Look at Tot and I.  I work as a contract therapist -- something I never foresaw for myself 4 years ago (and I'm loving it!) Tot.  Oh Tot.  He's growing leaps and bounds and I'm sure in 2 years he will be taller than me.  He knows about God.  He watches old movies.  He sings his little heart out and plays his guitar and acts out every scene in uncanny perfection to the movie King Kong.  I don't let my emotions get in the way of his love for his dad.  He loves his dad.  But I also know the boy who looks at me and suddenly says out of the blue "I don't want to see daddy anymore. He's sick." I don't disagree with him but I don't elaborate on that thought, either.  My job is to protect him and listen to him when he's confused.  When I don't have an answer, I don't cover it up with pretty talk that only serves to confuse him more.  It is what it is.  I simply say, "Mommy loves you.  Mamaw loves you.  Your uncles love you.  And you know your daycare friends love you.  No matter what happens, we'll be okay."  He accepts that.  He knows I don't have all the answers.  Keeping the line of communication open is so important to me.  I don't want him to internalize any of this.  Thank God he doesn't.  He's extremely vocal about all of this.  So yes.  He's going to be okay.  More than okay.  That boy is gonna shine, if I have anything to do with it.  So maybe, just maybe.. it won't hurt as much.  That's my prayer.  That it'll only hurt a minute.. if that.  The fact that Tot has a dad that simply doesn't care about being a dad hopefully won't play the most major role in my son's internal thoughts.  I can only pray.


Night Train

Screaming night wails
Singing Nightingales
A thousand steps to a
journey started
Know not
only the broken hearted

Taking the long night train
into the day
Laying a weary head
in the lap of a few friends
along the way
Letting all the troubles down
River of tears shines
It does not drown

The lovely strangers we meet
Smiling souls
with a lovely greet
An unknown town up ahead
We'll make it there together
A new path to tread

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Where it all Comes From

I did acid at a Dead Head concert.  Spent the whole night wigging out.  I mean wigging out! Never did it again. Although, there are bits and pieces of that night and that concert that come to me in spurts.  I danced.  I laughed.  I cried.  I was a pathetic mess.  It was a blessed test.  "Fire on the Mountain".  It resonates in my soul.  Now hearing that song, I remember sitting in the back seat on our way home from that fated night.  A line of ambulances driving to the concert camp site.  For those that don't remember, a group of people were having a hippy, fun time dancing.  The deck fell and the rest was history.  That was also the Dead's last concert in grand ole St. Louis.  Anywho.  19.  Thought, "Eh.  Why not."  So not.  I didn't like feeling out of control as the acid worked its way through my body.  I remember every blasted tremor.  Horrible!  

So I write about it sometimes.  Because that's how easy it is to taste poison.  So sickeningly easy.  I was extremely lucky.  It never took hold.  Thank God.  I will tell you this.  My heart goes out to the afflicted addicted.  We hear it all the time.  It just takes one time.  One time for the poison to take hold and the tomb door closes.  A death sentence waiting to happen.  My one time taught me a valuable lesson.  It also taught me to be a little more forgiving of drug addicts.  Being in the medical field, I see no easy solution.  30 days in rehab.  90 days in rehab.  Is that enough? Folks.  I treated a 70 year old man addicted to crack.  It was a sad, sad day.  Words cannot deftly say how sad I felt.  My heart sank. Again.  There's no easy solution.  Number one, the addicted must want help.  If they don't want help, there's nothing anyone can do or say.  Number two, prison is not a valid rehab program.  It's a tax payer's nightmare; paying for some lost souls to sit in prison on drug charges - only to be released and start the process all over again.  In reality, the prisoners find drugs easier in prison than on the streets, but that's another tangent I won't even touch on.  Point being, let's definitely write our prosy, rosy poetry but not forget our own life experience.  Maybe.  Maybe just maybe.  Our own experience will help someone in an inadvertent way.

Cocaine Annie (Lyrics)

26 and her life ain't easy
Slinkin' down the street
Feeling dirty and sleazy
Rattling hips
Licking her lips
Dead girl stalking

Cocaine Annie
Singin' the blues skinny
Getting her fix from a dude named Jimmie
Levi's falling
Black sky calling
Pock-marked face crying

She tried it the night of her prom
Heavy door closing to her tomb
Goldilocks on her knees
Giving her all to the inner pleas
Taking the thrust
One more snort
She must

Cocaine Annie
Singin' the blues skinny
Getting her fix from a dude named Jimmie
Levi's falling
Black sky calling
Pock-marked face crying

Slumped in a corner
After giving her all
Cocaine Annie
Cocaine Annie

Cocaine Annie

 Cocaine Annie
Singin' the blues skinny
Getting her fix from a dude named Jimmie
Levi's falling
Black sky calling
Pock-marked face crying

Little Girl Lovely (Lyrics)

There she goes again
Dropping glitter on pavement
Wisp of a girl
A lovely sacrament
Even though it's rainin' again
She's wearing a daisy chain

Little girl lovely
Smelling all the flowers
Sweet aroma heavenly
Hell could not pull her down
Daisy chain atop her head a crown
Dancing in the night
Laughing in the day
Little girl lovely
She's well on her way

There she goes
There she goes
Not bothering to count her woes

Little girl lovely
Smelling all the flowers
Sweet aroma heavenly
Hell could not pull her down
Daisy chain atop her head a crown
Dancing in the night
Laughing in the day
Little girl lovely
She's well on her way

There she goes
There she goes
Sprinkling glitter
Forgetting woes

Little Girl Lovely

Little girl lovely
Smelling all the flowers
Sweet aroma heavenly
Hell could not pull her down
Daisy chain atop her head a crown
Dancing in the night
Laughing in the day
Little girl lovely
She's well on her way

Caught Again

There you go
Calling with your lie
I breathe
Not bothering to
Ask why
But I do
I do
Catch it and
Push it back to you
Like a callous shrew
Telling you how it's
Gonna be
For my son and me

Caught again
Your unsecret sin
So I was not surprised
When you backtracked
When you look
For the truth you hacked

Go ahead and do it again
Do it again
You'll be
Caught again

Muddy Waters

You pushed me in
But baby
I learned to swim
I made it to shore
Left you rotting to the core
Watch as you start sinking
My heart you won't be linking

Muddy waters
Swimming deep
Flailing soul
Only darkness to reap
Tide coming in
Pulling you under again

You shoved my face down
Showing you're stronger
Beating heart rhythm pound
Holding my breath longer
A quick brush stroke
Rise above water to choke

Muddy waters
Swimming deep
Flailing soul
Only darkness to reap
Tide coming in
Pulling you under again

Down, down you go
Muddy water black hole
I'm breathing again
Forsaking all your sin
Honey, oh honey
I'm breathing again
No more the muddy water
To pull me in

Oh no
Oh no, honey
Here it comes

Muddy waters
Swimming deep
Flailing soul
Only darkness to reap
Tide coming in
Pulling you under again

But I'm breathing again
I'm breathing again
I'm breathing again
Rest assured
I'm breathing again

*My first attempt at song lyrics.  I've wanted to do this for the longest time.  Just another way for me to expand and pound out my wayward thoughts.  I hope you enjoy.  Matters not.  Quite honestly, I feel liberated ;)

Friday, November 21, 2014

A Diamond in the Rough

There he sat
amidst the dirty
floor boards;
the dirty curtain cords.
A Russian interpretation book
sitting in his nook.
An astrophysicist;
an intellectual linguist.
An ivy league scholar
with a wrinkled collar.
Smiling and talking about
forgiveness.
My stopped.
His message to harness.
No crème de la crème.
No not him.
He accepted his surroundings -
no matter how grim.

A diamond in the rough
with the streets wailing
sounding so tough.
He deserves a tower.
A glistening room with
all its power.
Yet he sat with such dignity.
Legs crossed.
Hands clasped.
In divine trinity.
We laughed.
We talked.
Amidst the ambulance wailing
outside.
All the truth to find
in a lock down unit.
For souls that normally forget.
So I found it odd.
He didn't forget.
He counted all his blessings
in such a humble letting let.

She's Doing it Again

There she is
Princess out of her
Master's keep
In the ghetto
Another tear to weep

She likes things
Just so, so
So
When it doesn't go her way
A weeping she will go
Grabbing the first person
That will listen
Face twisting under
Her pale glow

Oh my God!
Her life must be hard
My sarcastic thoughts
Twisting their own
Twisted card
I give her no relief
For the petty grief
As she calls mommy
Tattle, tattle rattle
Because
Everyone fixes her life
Her strife
The job she chose
The job
With all the countless woes

Sitting at her throne
As her patients wait
She's on the phone
Whining
Crying
About her hard life
Such a tragic life
As her shiny car
Sits in the sun
And her patient
Comes undone
You know the one
The one without a family to call
To cry to
To ball
The patient hanging on her hand out
The caregiver
With the carefully placed pout

Six Pence All the Richer

Damn vending machine's
broke again
That hangin' bag of chips
I'm gonna win
Quick flick of my hip
Lickin' my lip
For the salty, sweet treat
I could leave it
But this bag's mine
Stand in line
Raisin' a hand to
the janitor man
Asking
Can you help me
if you can
No I don't want his money
No honey
I all ready put my
shinin' coins in
Janitor man understands
He smiles
Takes his fist
Nice and fat and balled
Punches the machine
Heaven called

Six pence all the richer
I'm no ditch digger
Takin' this life
One stride at a time
No more pennies
Not one more dime
But I got a bag
Half full of air
Salty sweet treat
Without a care
Chomp, chomp
Saunter off back
To my lair
Wave a high five
To the man
With the broom & mop
We both won
We both feel alive



Moonlit Primrose

Blooming in the
cover of sliver
of moonlight
Lullaby night
A flower opening
Sweet aroma showing
Lovely, grand and glowing
Hell hounds may surely prey
But not in the garden where
the Primrose stands
eloquently in their way

On the edge of night
where lovers meet
at first sight
Primrose prim
Promising to the night
Love will not dim

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Echoed Hello

Now that you know me
Maybe we can talk
Forget the line in the sand
Step over the past's
murderous chalk

Grab your string
I'll grab mine
A big tin can to find
Stretch that string
Make it nice & taut
Believe once again
Hope can't be sold
Or bought
Let's talk

My pigtails
Swing, swingin
Your heart
Sing, singin
Hand in your pocket
Rubbing that
Lucky penny
Me & my
Big girl dreams
A feeling uncanny

I'll be the first
Out to throw
My echoed hello

Cliche Glitter

Paving the road ahead
with cliché glitter
Hiding all the
filth and litter

It's all gonna work out
Everything happens
for a reason
You're stronger
than you know
Hope is a seed
worth planting
Dreams are not forgotten

Keep up the ranting
That positive train panting
Up the steep hill

Life's road
long & bumpy
Hang your hand
out the window
Toss a handful of glitter
Fill in the potholes
As you drive
Just keep driving

Monday, November 17, 2014

Calling it a Night

Putting this to bed
All the thoughts in my head
Did I say too much?
Not enough?

Do my words get
jumbled and rattled
in the crook of my throat?

Love
Always a fantasy
Someone else's fairytale
Like a child
I read
Get lost in the fable

Do I have enough?
Am I too damn broken?
Do my thoughts of love
get choked?
Or do I
Unknowingly choke it out?

I'm crumbling
The tumbling
Calling it a night
Always wait
til morning light
Wondering if
everything is really
all right

I'm crumbling
I'm tumbling
Into a bed of dreams
Always a bed of dreams
Cold sheet surround
Where angels always hover
But make no sound

Will I always drift?
Morn to come
More sand to sift?
With the hour glass of time
Dusty in a corner
Mocking my rhyme

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Water's Edge

He said I could do anything
Anything
He said I could swim
He said I could win
Taking me to water's edge
We made the pledge
Everything behind us
Hand-in-hand
The trust
Laughter drifting on the wind
Up to the angels we'd send
When all in the world was easy
A summer day
Warm and breezy

Freedom Bird

The bastards clipped my wings
as I slept
Mocking this bird that
ran to mimic flight
Laughing as I wept
So I stayed in the corner
forlorn & unkempt
My chosen lot

Oh, but they forgot
to clip deep
Fluttering to
forget the weep

I flew as high as I could
as any bird would
High enough
to touch the sun
Nose dive to earth
just for fun

Now this bird sits
Waiting on a limb
A branch so thin
My perch
Looking out
on the horizon

Saturday, October 25, 2014

U Boat Rising

Sinking happily in the
Murky depths
No design
Easily defined
No sign of existence
Save for the
Whishing of the
Hushed motor
That no one
Could ever detect

Rising slowly
Assuredly
Faint pinging
As my ship
Kisses the
Water's surface
Interface
Rising up

U boat rising
Making my presence
Known in this
Vast ocean
Of wonder
No need
The quiet plunder
No need to
Take it all
Throw it all
Asunder
Just taking enough
In this rocky
Ocean rough

**Poem inspired by the novel I recently read "The Nazi Officer's Wife".  This holocaust survivor perfectly explained what it is like to survive unimaginable abuse / situations.  She eloquently describes the survivor's mindset.  I will never know the horrors of the holocaust but I do know what it's like to feel invisible.  I also know what it's like to choose invisibility.  In my life, I have personally met 4 holocaust survivors.  1 from the Buchenwald concentration camp.  The remaining 3 from Auschwitz.  All during the time I had recently left my ex.  Their presence still resonates with me.  3 women.  I male.  A rabbi.  Mothers.  They talked.  I listened.  The rabbi? You'd never know he was a holocaust survivor.  Always smiling; making others around him smile.  I held his hand when I found out what he'd been through.  He shrugged and smiled.  At the time, I thought, "If he can do it, so can I."  One woman could not sleep with the lights off.  I put my gait on her and she hugged me saying over and over "Pretty baby.  My pretty baby.  I love you.  No."  I knew what she meant.  I took that gait belt off faster than a lightning strike.  She stood up with me and hugged me.  I cried.  She cried.  I thought "If she can stand, so can I."  One was so deadpan in her resistance to believe in God.  She talked.  I listened.  Her entire family.  Murdered.  Except for her.  She was but a child in Auschwitz.  A death camp that did not appreciate the presence of children.  She met her husband in Auschwitz.  They went on to live a happy life with children spoiled rotten and happy.  I thought "My God.  If she can love again, then so can I." Buchenwald was not even on my radar but a Polish daughter explained her mother's resistance to touch.  Quiet voices always win with no grand promises.  She walked.  She apologized over and over when it was all said and done.  I thought, "She walked. So I will too."  I couldn't even answer her apology.  Typhoid.  Starvation.  She survived.  No apology necessary.

So you see, we do not live in straight-plane universe.  Its spherical shape wraps around and brings us together in unique ways.  We live together.  We learn together. 

Don't Let Me

I don't plan it
Not now
Vanishing into
Anonymity
That was my
Past calamity
Any sign of danger
Real or imagined
Vanishing
In plain sight
Ending it all
Before another
Horrid fight

Don't let me
Not now
Not now that
You know me
Now that you see
My anonymity
Forsaking my calamity
Keep on hugging me
I feel it
I have an identity

Under Wraps

It's a quiet battle now.  On my part, at least.  No longer the surprise at the incessant need for my ex to try to raise my ire.  My sweet, tenacious, 4yr old Tot turned to me tonight and said "Daddy gets mad at you sometimes because you don't..."  I stopped him.  I reiterated to my boy that he's loved.  He asked me if I "love daddy?"  I spoke honestly.  I said all people deserve kindness which "Is why we try not to talk bad about daddy."  I no longer have the anxiety of an unexpected court hearing.  They vanished suddenly some time ago.  I am quite capable of ending any argument before it turns me into raging dragon in front of my son.  I still enjoy slamming the door on stupid questions.  Stupid questions like "Why can't he spend the night with me?"  I am not the type of person to answer a question when they all ready know the answer.  I completely adhere to the simple fact that actions speak louder than words.  How do you tame an Irish / German dragon?  You calmly tell her that her silence will win the war.  You keep telling her that she is much stronger than this.  You don't try to leash her.  Irony?  You don't even attempt to tame her.  Why?  I'll tell you the same thing I tell my reflection in the mirror every splendid morning and quiet, hushed night "I am better than this.  You are a survivor.  Don't define yourself as a fighter.  You're not going to cower in the corner and hide.  Get up, girl.  Get out there.  This is your moment.  This is your life."

Nearly everyone around me now wants to simplify the definition of a sociopathic narcissistic abuser.  I shrug my shoulders now and quietly go about my way.  He is what he is.  I wonder.  Would you spend so much time trying to paint over a zebra's stripes?  No.  It's damn useless and stupid.  Not ignorant. Stupid.  So I don't try to paint over it any more.  I no longer have to monitor my reaction.  I know who I am.  I, in no way, need his definitive approval or disapproval.  His life is havoc.  It's his choice.  He can't keep Tot the full allotted time, which is limited in the way the court originally wrote it.  His choice.  He returns clothes to my doorstep that he's bought Tot.  His choice.  He promises Tot new toys.  His choice.  He talks bad about me.  His choice.  I understand the psychology behind it all.  Transference of energy.  Paint me as the "bad guy" so that the abuser can somehow justify his senseless actions.  Again.  It's stupid. 

A little off the subject, but not very far.  Let's define the difference between stupid and ignorant. Ignorant means you've done something wrong that you weren't aware was bad, prior to committing the "bad action."  Stupid means you know damn well it's bad and that there's no excuse suitable, yet you do the "bad action" despite better judgment and knowledge.  Ahh.  This reminds of the argument I had with my older brother when I was younger.  He claimed I was ignorant.  I startled him when I said, "No.  Actually I'm stupid."  This made him mad because he didn't quite understand what I was talking about.  He yelled and yelled.  I said that was stupid.  He insisted on calling it ignorant.  I grabbed the ginormous Webster's dictionary.  Turned to page that defined ignorant.  Calmly read it to him.  Then I turned to the page that defined stupid.  Calmly read it.  All the while, he was yelling.  Then I calmly hit him in the head and said "Now see?  That was stupid.  Mom's gonna be mad." Now don't go defining me as a violent person, for Pete's sake.  I bopped him just hard enough to make him stop.  It worked. 

My lovely readers.  All so kind and patient.  It's been a long journey.  So well worth it - hiding away - being the hermit.  Now? I feel life all around me.  I have the mostest ;) beautiful friends that take the place of my dysfunctional family.  I have a love inside me growing. A love for myself.  No more apologies.  I am who I am.  Oh, and I love me.  Ain't no one gonna stop my train.

One Last Frugal Attempt

One last time
He's trying to turn
The love of
My son's bright, blue eyes

I iterate
I reiterate
Tell him
Show him
Quietly wait for the
Light to return
Tonight didn't take as long
The love shown bright
Righted the wrong

I'll keep
Spelling it out
Showing it
Actions speak so much
Louder than the
Listless words splaying
All around
My bright
Blue eyed boy

Monday, October 20, 2014

Don't Cry For Me

I bleed it out
Can't always paint
Over a horrid shout
Words
Spilling on paper
Super hero
Healing caper
See my strengths
I go to great lengths
Rip out my weakness
Flaming pen
Burning deepness
Cheaper than therapy
Perhaps that belies
My cheapness
Anyway
Don't cry for me
I'll have a better tomorrow
It'll be a better day

*Today wasn't half bad.  In fact, it was quite beautiful. If I've learned anything, it's to appreciate the little things.  It's in the smaller fragments that make up the picture, as a whole.  I'm extremely proud to announce that I will have 2 more poems published on the Versewrights.com.  If I have nothing else, at least I still have my poetry - which has always been my saving grace.  Thank you for taking the time to read me.  My diary. 

Forget it All

Forget the Narcissistic mother
Pushing
Shoving
Punch word loving
Forget the bait
The trap
That lead you in
The argument
Her favorite sin
Forget
The apology
That will never come
Never apologize
For the wrong
You never done
Making excuses
It's useless
Forget it
She'll expand
Tell it grand
To neighbors
To strangers
To her best friend
She'll push shame
Shove it down your throat
Forget it
You'll never understand it
Don't even try
Tears dried up long ago
Don't ya know?
I can't even cry
Not anymore
She calls me bitch
She calls me whore
And tomorrow
She'll forget
Offer a favor
Petty repent
Waiting for relent
Seeing it as weak
'Round and 'round we go
Every damn week
Forget it all
Mama likes to feel tall

Please, Thank You, I'm Sorry

Oh it's hard
Saying please
Saying thank you
Tear my heart out
I'm sorry
These three phrases
Deft barrage
Behind someone else's
Camouflage
I'm learning
Slowly learning
Kindness doesn't always
Shatter
Sometimes
It does matter

Security Insecurity

I've a thousand insecurities
Walking blindly through
Life's brevities
Tough mask
Cold mask
Hiding the constant need
For reassurance
Propagation insurance
Choosing words carefully
Bracing for reality
Ice in face
Stark

Saturday, October 18, 2014

One More Lie

One more lie
Flying off in the
Clouds tonight
Shiny red truck
What's one more lie?
He's not keeping count
Right?
Oh
But I am

Gotta tame the beast
Because she's flaming
Dragon cradling baby
Never listening to maybe
Take those senseless words
Sparrow's flying
High wire
Listing the ire
And the beast
She's sitting silent
Taming violent
Claws are out
Her boy's sleeping
You careless cuss
Don't wake him
You better hope
You don't wake me

Mommy Said

Never to make
the promise
I can't keep
So he won't weep
When all is broken
I will hold him
As I do
Everyday

Little Boy Blue

Little boy blue
Trying to make sense
Of lies told
Dishonesty disguised as true
Promises strewn
Of toys and places
He'll never see soon
Material love
Release white dove
To the innocent heart
Believing
The deceiving

Hiding my burning tears
Worrying about years
How much can he take?
I know my own stake
How much I can
Before I break
But this is my boy
Not some senseless
Lifeless toy

I see the joy
Fade in my boy
Waiting for the visit
Wondering out loud
Did he forget?
One time
Two time
Nickel dime
He can't tell time
That's what the monster's
Counting on
But my boy
My boy
He knows
He's not a toy
So he looks to me
For all his joy

Wipe my tears
Hope he doesn't see
Take a deep breath
Here comes Mommy

Little Miss Madge

Little Miss Madge
Wore her marriage badge
He
In the background
Retching incessantly
Emesis rising
Clutching her pocket book
Giving a squinted look
At anyone daring to question
She loved him so
Even though
Even though
He never told her so
Ordering her to shut up
Put up, Miss Madge
Pin your badge
Let all the world know

Friday, October 17, 2014

No More the Asking

It's a dreadful
thing
Always asking why
Part of the victim's
Sing song sing
When someone stops
Offering a kind hand
Lending more glitter
to the magical wonder wand

No more the asking
Simple tasking
Letting all things
Be

Friday, October 10, 2014

Drugstore Angel

She calls me honey
Like she's getting ready
To make me tea
Checks me out
Making small talk
Today opening up
Her tender vein
Every vulnerability
Matching my own
With the fluorescent lights
Buzzing
A waiting line cussing
To hell with convention
We spilled our guts
On the tile floor
As if it were asking for more
We laughed
Invariably dancing
As the talk
Turned to chalk
Outline for all to see
She
Just smiling

"He left me homeless. Shameless.
Now he's dead. And I am left with
the love of my life.  I finally found it!"

The Way of the Day

The pain wracked me
Hacked me
Head splitting in a
Million different pieces
Hasn't happened in a long time
So it caught me off guard
Nodded my head
Bombard

All my anxieties
Lay before me
In all my perplexities
Making my brain hurt
But
I have to work
Plow away
For my checkbook day

It eased
It appeased
Came again with a ferocity
Reminding me of the time
When I was younger
Almost making me sick
Keep walking
Keep talking
Keep smiling
Don't let anyone worry
Hurry
Hurry
Hurry

Afraid to hope
It's the grandest scope
The sledge hammer's about to fall
I just know it
But she sent the message
Then he sent the message
Then another smiled at me
And hope was all I could see

I'm sometimes
My own worst enemy
I fell in my car
So used to the pain
I had to stop to think
Poof!
It was gone
I smiled to myself
And drove away
Thankful for the day

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

2 Taps of the Cane

She sits by him
Prim petite
Eyes batting
His direction
So sweet
She pats his
Stiff shoulder
Manicured nails
Stark contrast to the
Cold rails

2 taps
Nothing less
Nothing more
Bristled old cane
Tapping
His arms
Refusing the wrapping

Thin lips pursing
Hand drops
Her kind rubbing stops
Wait for it
Because you know it'll come
She looks at him again
Honey's smacking her
Chewing gum
Thin, rail arm reaches
Pleading
It beseeches
Softer, now the rubbing
Honey
She just needs some loving

2 taps
Nothing less
Nothing more
Bristled old cane
Tapping
His arms
Refusing the wrapping

Toxic Apology

Battery acid
  dripping
Holes in concrete
  dropping
Fake tears
  mottled face
Bowed head
  disgrace
Walking away
  smugly
With a
  toxic apology

Hippy Kids

Oh, those hippy kids
are at it again. Chanting
peace, love, daisy chain.
Dancing in the rain.
Gonna change the world
in a big, big way. Just you
wait.

Mannequins

Mannequins
Pretending to be
Humans
Plastered
Frozen smiles
Dead
Lifeless eyes
Plastic arms
Reaching
Never moving
Never feeling
Standing in one place
With the same look
On a plastic face

Bella, Bella

Perfect ringlet pigtails.
With brown eyes
& flicks of gold speckled
all around them.  Perpetual
smile. Beautiful child.
Hands reaching up.  Buttercup.
Wrapping her skinny arms
'round my neck; 'round my heart.
Pointing to the door she says,
"Take me home."
Oh, my sweet.  I would if I could.
All I can do is kiss your
rosy cheek; replace your tears
with the same bright smile you
greeted me with. 
I apologize for the mama that
abandoned you.  I apologize for the
daddy that searches for his chosen poison
instead of searching for the perfect teddy
bear or hug to comfort you with.

Bella, Bella
Don't you cry
Bella, Bella
There's never really
a goodbye
I'll see you tomorrow
No 2yr old
should know sorrow

Monday, September 29, 2014

Perfect Survivor

Golden girl
Got away
She's got a
Brand new day
Everything's going
Her way
It's all gonna be easy
Bury deep the sleazy

That's what everyone thinks
In their perfect
Think tanks

Why do you cry
Silly golden girl
The day is shining
Handed to you now
Top of the world
Everything's all right
It's all
All right

Oh, you know
That's what everyone thinks
You know
You know
More than I know

Perfect survivor
Passion thriver
Why do you cry?
Why do you scream?
Why do you push?
Why do you shove?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Incessant questions
So
When will you be
Ready for love?
Will you ever be ready?
For the true and steady?
Will you?
Will you?
Will you?

You know
That's what's everyone
Says
Hugging you
Saying
God bless
Sending you on your way
Never listening to your
Quiet answer
On some cold, rainy day

Perfect survivor
Don't you worry
There ain't no hurry
There's no magic wand
You're all ready
Doing the
Kind and steady
The kind and true
Living the life
With no other rule
But you
Pound that chest
Scream in the night
You have the right

There are no rules
It's all about you

Recant Chant

Reverb proverb
Counting syllables
Metered lines
Measured words
Golden girl
Perfectly
Perfect words
Oh, but sometimes
My mouth steps
Ahead of my mind
Leaving every
Thought behind

Recant chant
Cleaning up
Won't make the stain
Go away
Whining about
Being alone
Like a
Plugged in drone
Point out my mistakes
I'll pull you through the rakes

Recant chant
Can't
No it can't
Take it away
Once it's spoken
Words not thought out
Can leave a heart stabbed
Bleeding and broken

So I'll do my damnedest
To bury my shitty epitaphs
But as you can plainly see
I've got my work
Cut out for me

Have You Ever?

Have you ever
  wanted to
    curl up in a ball?
Cry the tears
  just waiting to fall.

In the middle of
  your crying
    have you ever
      felt the sun
        smiling slyly?

Have you ever?
Been emotionally wrought?
Where every thought
  is at war
    all the more?

Counting the blessings
Counting the pain
Feeling the warmth
Feeling the strain

So I give in
Let the emotions win
Release the reigns
Letting go

I feel better now
I feel better now
I feel better now

Saturday, September 27, 2014

You

I screamed
Every epitaph
Who are you
To claim to know me
 Coming in like the wind
Understanding
My every thought
Bending down with me
When I was wrought

Push
Shove

I don't know love

Push
Shove
You
The warm glove

Stomping away
You
Refusing to follow
Graceful waiting
Tears
Like knives
You
Always ready with the salve

Numb
You
Waiting for the second half
Wrapping  me
Sitting with me
Knowing all the pieces
Had to fall
Knowing I'd see
Your graceful all
You

Repercussion

I expect the repercussion
With no gentle confession
Every action
I'm waiting for you
To see an infraction
This is how I was taught
Nothing saved
Nothing bought
Emotions like cheap trinkets
Taken away right when
I start to enjoy
The pretty bauble
Repercussion
Procession
Funeral parade
In my happy town heart
Take me apart.

Something to Say

I know you're getting tired of hearing it
But I got
But I got
But I got
Something to say

Friday, September 26, 2014

Wrecking Ball

I think you should know
My mind's a wrecking ball
Line it all up in a row
I wreck it all
Wreck it before you leave me
Before you really see me
My fear tends to grab me
It lashes out
First my mouth
Then my mind
I should pout
But I don't
I shout
Go, go, go
NO!
no
no
no
Do you have a
Strong heart
Can you stay?
Or will you go?
Leave me to my
Wrecking ball
Not even wait
For my fall?

Gasoline Stories

No it's not overnight
The healing
Flashbacks
Echoing words

The further you go
The more the frustrate

So grab that gasoline can
Don't wait

Light 'em up, my dear
Burn the brandishing
Damning thoughts
Turpentine
Gasoline
Circle
Flaming blue-white bright
Rid yourself the toxin
Within

Smoldering ashes of your
Ugliest self
Now fertilize the
Flowering thought
Happy Poppy
Top shelf

Friday, September 19, 2014

Untitled Mindless Chatter

Ignore the last couple of poems.  I'm venting.  And you know what?  I feel good!  No I'm not broken.  No I'm not normal.  I'm me.  Finally! 







Testing the Water

I needed to test myself
Take myself off the dusty shelf
To see
Could I recognize the
Cold reality
Loveless love disguised
In warm messages
Certainly I know
I'm a weirdo
But hot damn man
You take the cake
The crumbs lingering
On your unshaved face

Blocking the Call

Thank God for my iPhone
Allowing me the extreme pleasure
My greatest treasure
Blocking the call
Of another roving rogue
Thinking he knows me
Pretending to see
Call it passive aggressive
I don't give a damn
In my mind
It's loud & clear
Blind eyes
Are not allowed to peer
Finger flaming
Hitting the block
To another
Useless strutting cock
A rooster without a hen
By God
I feel lovely again

Dumb Conversation

Tick-tack
Paddy-whack
Step on the crack
Break your mama's back

I'm shutting the door
To this dumb conversation
I find no elation
When you seek
No knowledge
You have no common sense
You never even went to college

Waste not
Want not
Holding my tongue
Get on back
To your
Hot to trot
Don't ask me
Stupid questions
You know I'm not

Protest Contest

They gather now
Competing to tell
Their tale
Some wanting their
Story to sound gory
Requiring
Actual proof
While some stand aloof
Wondering at the haunting words
They remember
The bruise some words
Leave on a soul
How they take a toll
By all means
Raise the banner high
Just remember
Abuse has many faces
Leaving traces
Let us not make this a contest
As we stand proud
In this endless protest

All it Takes

It just takes one
To look into kind eyes
Of a man that isn't looking
To blight out your light
You'll remember
How you were
Long before you
Cried endlessly
Through the night

All it takes is one
A man fearlessly
Seeing all your
Shattered pieces
As a beautiful menagerie
To know
There are many more angels
Than you ever imagined
One of those angels
Resting the beating of his wings
To stand by your side
You
Forgetting you even cried

It Took a While

It took a while
To recognize normal
To uphold and see it
Granting it no other choice
Accepting its truth
No longer asking
"What's it like?"
Now I know
There's no other
Way to go

Darling Princess

Go to bed, darling princess
Put the day to rest
Stay and give it your all
Maybe he'll be in a better mood
Tomorrow
There's always tomorrow
Lined up
In the fading bruises
On your pretty, little face
Defend him endlessly
With all your humility
And good grace
Sephora is the best make up
You can paint the mask
Go about your daily task
Breathe a sigh of relief
Until his shadow
Darkens your hall
Beginning again
The grief

Oh, but don't think of that now
Go to bed, darling princess
Put the day to rest
Keep thinking of yourself
As less
Keep thinking you can
Change him
Hurry
Lights dim
The monster's sleeping
With you again

Hail Mary Pass

Throw your hands up
He's speaking again
Sending a
Hail Mary pass
Words coming out
Blunted and crass
Speaking like he
Knows what it's like
Maybe he should sit down with
Tina Turner &
Ike
How many punches
Does it take?
Delay the release
The video will have
No crease
He knocked her out
In one easy blow
Kick him out
Suspend the throw
Others rise up
Dirty, little jock cup
Protect his ball
Give it your all
NFL season is here
The tickets are now dirty
Silencing a feeble cheer

Monday, September 15, 2014

Hum-Dinger

She's a real hum-dinger
Off-key
Karaoke singer
Making up the lines
As she goes
Try to see along
It's fun
When you both
Get it so completely wrong
Laugh at the bass player
Shaking his timber head
Stifling a smile
An audience astounded
Full of dread
But laughing
Just the same

Sunday, September 14, 2014

2am

Tonight better be
A better night
Last night I was twisting
Turning
2am churning

Other half of my soul
Had the very same
Toiling, tangling sheet roll

2am
Thoughts we keep at bay
During the day
Come unhindered
In twilight
Under the crescent moon
Smiling
That knowing smile

2am is the hour
Free reign
Demon devour
In the soul that's
Fit to be tied
Asking the question
Why haven't we tried?

Back of the Cage

The door's open
Crouched and waiting
For the token
Growling silently
Smiling politely
Save you from my ire
My flame and fire
A moth to a flame
Oh, how I know
So I crouch down
Real, real low
Try to disappear
Within the thin spindles
Lining my cage
Holding onto the
High-priced wage
Stepping out
Letting it out
My shout
As I finally
Step gingerly
Into sunlight
Finally
Give up the fight

Here I Go, Go

Sitting sipping
Some chill draft
Feeling daft
Maybe that's not
The right word
But it sure as hell denotes
This tired feeling
Of spilling out the
Story again
Saying sorry again
Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Shaking my head
To scatter the scream
I'm sure as hell not sorry
But here I go, go
You wanna know, know

You laugh it all off
A healthy cough
And I sit and finally stare
At you
Good God
You're weird,  too
It's now my turn to laugh
As we sit
Sipping our chill draft
Shaking out all the unironed seams
Feeling daft
Here I go, go

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Self Sabotage

Self sabotage
Beguiling
Smiling
Camouflage

Learned reaction
Self retraction
Screaming imperfection
Blurred reflection

Stepping
     Stepping
          Stepping
                     Out
                Out
          Out

A cliff
No way
For me see
The bottom
My solid ground
Feet dangling
Over the edge
I have to jump

To stay in this
Dire satire
I call life
Could only cause
More strife

Free fall into nothing
Letting the mask
Fall
I have nothing to give
Yet
I give my all

A leap of faith
Blind trust

Closing my eyes
Letting the weightless particles
Rearrange themselves
Wherever they must

Friday, September 5, 2014

Static Electricity

Crackling
   Energy
      Synergy

Sitting in stillness
Releasing the tethered ends
Gone the grip
Broken stitch
      Past
          Evaporating
Distant thunder
   of my future
      heard on the horizon.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Nemesis Emesis

Grab my basin
Nausea's setting in
Sickening sick
Too tired the wound
To lick

Curl up on the floor
Slam your own door

Into the pillow
My worries must seep
REM
Helpless dreams
Where I now weep

Let it go
Let it go
I know
I know
Go
Go
Go

Past 1 am again
The demons
Creep in

Shut it off
Shut it down
He's just another clown
With a ragged face
Tired
Broken down

Nemesis emesis
Oh, how I tire of you
Don't you know?
I have much better things
To do.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Surviving Narcissistic Sociopathic Abuse

I've read the stories of survivors speaking about their ordeal.  The lengths the narcissistic sociopathic abuser will go to torment their prey.  Thankfully, I can say there have been no court dates since January.  I cringe writing that - fearing somehow I've tempted fate and the court will send me a court notice for a visitation hearing.  There was a long dry spell of my abuser not contacting me except when he picked up Tot and that was only long enough for Tot to slip out the door before I shut it and locked it tight - watching to make sure he gets him safely in his car.  No one can really explain the anxiety that goes along with this type of survival.  I'd love to scream "It's over!"  In fact, my spirit wants so very bad for that to be the case.  Even through the dry spell, I'd check the mail for a court notice.  It's really about me getting in the mind of my abuser to see what steps he might take next because it's not over.  He still wants contact with me and I still vehemently fight it.  I blocked him from texting and / or calling me on my cell phone.  Thank God for the iPhone that affords me the luxury of blocking a caller. 

Then I read more stories so similar to mine.  Women fighting their way through survival for longer than my 4, going on 5, years.  Women who talk about the very same "dry spell" and then suddenly their abuser makes or attempts contact.  Contact which is far from normal.  Thankfully, my abuser is afraid of the court system and afraid of going to jail.  I have to constantly remind myself of my blessings in this.  He still visits Tot every weekend, but the times of pick-up and drop-off are erratic.  Personally, that's a blessing.  Ahh..but there's a double-edged sword.  On the weekend the visit happens to be both Saturday and Sunday, I have to make sure I'm home.  There is no guarantee my ex will keep Tot for the full allotted time of the court ordered visits.  That alone would give me cause to take him to court and force his hand, but that would also mean he might see that as a way to visually see me more.  He likes to fight and torment.  Whether it's verbally or mentally, is neither here nor there.  He strives to keep a negative chain.  So, I've kept my Irish-German mouth shut.  I let him pick Tot up late and bring Tot back much earlier than the norm.  It's been no eye contact and the fewest words necessary, mostly to Tot to tell him Mommy loves him as he leaves with my ex.  I've let my ex move 3 times in the last year without saying a word and not even demanding an address.  Knowing instinctively to let it ride - but that moment has changed.

The FBI could hire me for all the investigative work I do and the gut feelings that have kept me 3 steps ahead of a narcissistic sociopath.  Caller id with unknown numbers; gauging how many calls occur in that instance and determining if it warrants me calling the police to investigate further.  A number with an unknown area code.  That alerted me the most.  Receiving a text with that same unknown area code and it happens to be my ex sending me a text letting me know he's moved.   A week goes by and another random text.  Him knowing full well he can call the landline and leave a message.  So today I spoke up and out.  I asked for his address.  Waved my hand at his attempt to "talk". I kept my speech abrupt, precise, and to the point.  When he dropped Tot off an hour earlier than the normal visit time, I demanded the address and specifically told him no texting or calling my personal cell phone.  As he started arguing, I shut the door, locked it, and went about my business of blocking this new number from my cell phone.   I had grown comfortable with driving Tot the same way to his daycare every day.  Now I take a different route every time. 

It all sounds "old hat", doesn't it?  Let me be the first to tell you, it's extremely taxing and wearing on my spirit to constantly keep my guard up.  Depression and acceptance.  I roiled aimlessly in depression and now it's a depressing acceptance that this just might be how it will be for the rest of my life.  The erratic visit times on any given weekend.  Which, by the way, is a way for my abuser to keep me home and on guard.  It works.  Always on edge.  Wondering what a weekend might bring.  He sometimes doesn't bother to call (the landline phone) to leave a message he won't be picking up Tot.  It sometimes just hangs.  He also knows I share his unwillingness to return to a court and a judge that has no clue how to handle this particular situation.  So I handle it on my own.  I stay at home.  Like the damn good girl that I am.  Inwardly - silently - I pray for my ex to just leave Tot and I alone and let us go about our life.  Then I feel guilty about having the nerve to ask God of such a thing.  What if Tot is actually bonding with ex?  Then reality quickly steps in and confirms my thoughts.  Tot comes home and still very minimally speaks about his visits.  Tot still fights separation anxiety.  And then I want to scream.  Scream so loud it would break the windows in this house.  Tot wants a bond with ex but it just isn't there.  He asks me now on a regular basis "Is Daddy coming to pick me up this weekend?"  I have to be honest and say that I simply don't know.  I see his face and its smile instantaneously vanish.  He too is becoming numb to this.  I have to constantly tell Tot that he can tell me anything.  He simply doesn't know how to verbalize his confusion and frustration. 

My new job keeps me hopping throughout the week with some places wanting me to work on a Saturday.  Time away from my boy.  Time I desperately need to unwind and bond and play with my sweet boy.  Am I doing any of this right? God knows I'm doing the best I can.  At least the worst of the depression and the ever aching need for more sleep is subsiding.  I have a mother with her own health and mental issues and often wonder "Dear God, am I mentally unstable too!?" I have an older brother who often acts like my younger brother.  Always scolding him on how to act and react with Tot in this delicate visitation situation.  It ain't perfect but it's at least a semblance of a support system.  I could go into long, drawn-out details of my dysfunctional family but that's another blog that I simply don't have time for and I just throw my hands up and say "Crap! It is what it is." There isn't any understanding of the introverted soul in my family, so I often have to step outside of my comfort zone and speak up.  Expecting conflict at every turn.  At least my own soul searching allows me to look inward and see how better I can react (or lack thereof) in my familial zone.  So it's a constant inward search in a family that sees no need to inwardly search a damn thing.  Don't get me wrong.  They love me and I love them.  But I'm not about to call an apple an orange.  My mother is just now starting to see *me*.  And that's a very limited view.  Her own childhood was riddled with dysfunction in a time where that simply was not discussed, reviewed, or counseled.  Monday through Friday it's the same old droll.  Tot and I come home from work and daycare not wanting to talk and answer endless questions.  We are both introverts who need time to simply unwind.  And every Monday through Friday we both get hammered with questions.  Tot rebels and will outright scream.  I have to constantly explain myself.  I have to constantly ask for the questions to stop so Tot doesn't scream.  It's the very negative lifestyle I so hard try to avoid. 

I could go on but I'm sure by now you get the point.  This is damn hard and so damn depressing.  I pray God has big hands because I put it all in His hands.  I don't know what else to do.

Is Anyone Out There

     Internet connection is on the fritz.  Can you hear me now? Is anyone out there?

     Let's just hope I don't lose connection in the middle of a prized masterpiece.  I'm taking a gamble.  I type faster than I write... I've got so much on my mind...

Friday, August 22, 2014

Little Girl Gone

Lining up my dolls
Kiss them on the cheek
Tell them one last fairy tale
To blight out
Life so bleak
One looks like she's pouting
I'll tuck her away
Sensitive little heart
Save the black, cold day

Childish ramblings
Such can be the
Little girl inside my heart
Dead wishes
Fruitless dishes
I seek the
Bountiful harvest
Of a woman

Little girl gone
Nail polish now chipped
Plastic play shoes
Dusting in the closet
Slowly making my way
So I don't have to ask
Who bought it?

Daughter, Daughter

Line of demarcation
Sliced through the sand
The moment we touch
Their little hand
Bow submissively
Never speak up
Be good
Do right
Glitter grand

Daughter, daughter
Always say please
Daughter, daughter
Don't tease
Daughter, daughter
Say you're sorry
For no reason
No will
No treason
Daughter, daughter
Go make your way
Grow up quick
Career Barbie
Don't ask for a raise
It'll spoil everyone's day

Oh daughter, daughter
When will you learn?
Glass ceilings don't shatter
Glass houses never burn.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Pigtails and Smiles

She latched onto me
And I quietly wondered why
Looking me in the eye
As if she already knew
I'm about to begin anew
You better believe I ran from her
Spilling my guts for the
Whole room to see
Sitting on my bench quietly
She came with an army
Good God woman
Let me smoke in peace
Don't make me explain
My inadequacy
Oh, she just smiled
That knowing smile
The others smiling around her
My story was out
Her bottom lip quivered
In a perpetual pout

One sat beside me
Nearly laying her head
On my shoulder
"I do so love the smell.
I quit long ago, but this is nice"

I thought they were quirky
Albeit a little crazy
Smoke rings rising as I grew
More comfortable
I laughed freely
A very weird port hole
Of life
Of love
Of acceptance

Far from where we were
We were now on a
Virtual schoolyard
Them asking
Will you come play with me
Pigtails and smiles
Seeing what I thought
No untouched, clean
Woman could see

I Don't Have a Clue

I don't know where I'm going
Do you?
Ah, but this road is nice
A little bumpy in places
Would you just look at the view
Silver clouds
Hanging like a jewel
Gee wiz
This neighborhood is beautiful
I wonder if the owners appreciate it
Feeling the plenty, plentiful

Tweet, Tweet...Roar

"Mommy.  It's a dinosaur bird."

"Oh!"

"MmmHmm."

"Does it sing."

"Sure.  It sings 'Tweet, tweet...ROAR!!' "

That's the call
If you're wondering
All the silly pondering
We're survivors of the storm

Tweet, tweet...Roar

Hello Again

     My words don't come as easily now.  I've taken a break for quite some time to make sense of all that's happening.  Trying to please and appease.  So I just stopped and thought about me.  And of course, the other half of me.  I watch Tot's milestones.  It amazes me.  It overwhelms me.  I wish I could bottle up this all up; so I've been doing my best to savor every moment.  5am I hear his footsteps as I try to quietly get ready for work. So like me.  Marching down the hall, plopping down on the couch - rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and not wanting to talk.  Before we actually leave, he comes to me and simply holds his hands up.  I scoop him up and take that moment no matter how rushed I may feel.  His little arms wrapping around me tight - a kiss on my shoulder.  His hugs saying a thousand things that words simply could not say; slipping away the worries of "Am I doing this right?"
     My ex looks for every excuse to drop Tot off early or not see him at all.  I once worried about that.  No longer.  Tot looks at me with a simple "Mommy" as he comes back home.  It literally sounds like a sigh of relief.  With the past quickly drifting away, I've taken a moment to just relish in that fact.  As Tot demands "Take me home.  I want Mommy."  It's no longer "when Daddy picks me up", it's "If Daddy picks me up."  I thought it would somehow damage him.  I realize now it's the way it should be.  No hard feelings.  My fight is over.  Almost, anyway.  My sweet Tot still thinks I'm somehow going to leave him.  Separation anxiety.  I'm constantly reassuring him.  The first 3 days of his precious life are stuck in my head.  When it was just him and I.  Moments he crawls in my bed when it's storming.  Wrapping his body around mine like a vine.  I have to laugh.  He asked me just the other day if I was a princess.  I said yes.  "I'm Kinderella."  His eyes widened and he smiled.  He nodded as if his thoughts were somehow confirmed and slammed his dinosaur toys into the floor as an exclamation.  We are here.  We are surviving.  Hello again.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

It's All Gonna Be All Right

Driving down the road
Mantra playing on nonstop roll
It's all gonna be all right
30 more minutes
And I'll be there
Another new place
Another new face
Stop light
Dashed line
New and white
Wrong turn
Turn around
It's all gonna be all right

Friday, July 25, 2014

Tell Me

Tell me
Everything will
be alright
And I can survive

New Life Whispering

I try to shut it out
It's what I always do
But that was then
And I finally feel new
My heavy steps
My loud
Silent self
Can no longer be
Put on a shelf
A new life is
Creeping in
Ever so cleverly
And I'm wondering
If it's really true
Limited time to think
I just do

Cynical thoughts
Creep in
But a new life is
Whispering in
Craning my neck
Her sweet song
I'm listening

Big Girl, Big City

Clutching my purse
Like a temperamental child
Ponytail flipping wild
One step
Two step
Hop the curb
Keep skipping
Wave at the cab
Crosswalk walking
No time for talking
Sliding doors
Swish, swish
Made it in
Made my wish

Time Clock

No, no, no
There ain't no
Time clock here
Getting turned around
Driving down familiar
Unfamiliar roads
Casually walking in
No clocking in
Grabbing my schedule
Ready to go
Letting the stress go

No, no, no
There ain't no
Time clock here

Saturday, July 12, 2014

After the Storm (Unedited)

I.

I cried an ocean of tears
They flooded the hidden corridors
Of the catacombs in my soul
Swept me out and away
Barely able to swim
Holding everything in
Just to breathe
One tiny breath
To get me by
Day turned into night
Eyes closed and losing sight
Floating out to the
Endless sea
Where no one would ever be able
To find me.

I floated in my river
Bumping into jagged rocks
Bruised and broken
Not able to swim
It took me down in the
Undercurrent
Body going down
Down
Too tired to drown
Rushing current constantly rushing
Another breath
Before I go numb
I let the river take me
Knowing it's headed to the
Ocean
And I'm too weak to care.

Waterfall
I'm going in
Body tumbling
Crashing into the
Sharp waves
That cut like knives
The storm is raging now
What started as a shower
The sky has opened up
Pelting raindrops
Slapping me awake
Pray to God
This storm does not take
What little breath I have.

Eyes stay open
Feeling the salt
Sting all my opened scars
Lightning crashing
Fear inside thrashing
No land in sight
But I forget to cry
I have to survive.

II.

The night was long
I must've slept
The sun is shining
And I'm floating
Weightless.

My fingers graze sand
I fear I must be dreaming
But I take a handful
Salt, water, and sand
Gripping tight my hand
I think of selfish things
A warm bed
Food
I remember that off chance day
When life was in a better mood
Distractedly looking up in the
Bluest sky
Watching the clouds
Wander by
Giving in to the thought
That I met my listless destination
Depressing resignation.

Like a lifeless log
My body stops floating
Stuck in the sand and mud
Afraid to look around
A cunning mirage
Jolted loose from my
Mind's eye
Surely.

III.

How long have I been here?
Moments suspended
I feel the sun
I feel my skin
I feel the visceral
Inner me
I start to see
More importantly
I feel land
Only God knows how
I ended up on this shore.

I slowly start to rise
Take my first
Hesitant step
Then another
Feet sinking
But not slipping
The storm was so long
The clear day
Almost seems wrong
Now I have to make my way
This island
I suddenly adopted
So unexpected
I hold my excitement
Waiting for the sky
To open up
With it, all my dreams
Snuffed.

But the storm holds her
Breath too, it seems
Casually watching me
Nodding her head
As if I passed a test
Dancing my dancer's jest


**A work in progress.  Not sure if this is just rambling..**








Thursday, July 10, 2014

Earning My Stripes

"You came back.  Nobody ever does."

He silently dealt the cards
And I took my hand
Nodding my head.

Wild hair and wild eyes
She's calling the county
"Dontcha know?"
Saw her today
She called me 'sister'
My feet fell into her
Groovy sway.

Golden glove boxer
Doesn't feel quite right
Wait til 10
Talk about the fight
He'll boyishly smile
And work his
Magnificent mile.

Let the girl sing
Her soft harmony
To the supreme Supremes
Motown rising
She'll walk the longest walk
Quietly.

Oh, but that woman
She was the toughest
Thought to be the gruffest
She got her new leg
She smiled so pretty
Walked for the first time
Since February
Always remembers my name
Hangs her head
Asks
"You're back.  Am I dead?"
She makes me laugh
I pat her on the back.

I was a stranger in their town
Nobody stays around
A placebo in the ghetto
Broken hearts and broken dreams
No signs of family
They have my heart
Hanging from
Their
Broken doors and seamless seams.


Barbed Wire

They left me on the barbed wire
Left me to die
To starve
Pin-pricks picking me
Black crow
Cawing in the distance
Flying low
Watching
Waiting
Counting the faint beats
Of my beating heart

Slow the pull
Tugging my skin away
From the sharp death toll
Clambering from the wire
Feeling new ire
Saphenous vein pierced and bleeding
Into the soil
Red and leaking
A heart softly speaking

Curled in tight
One by one
Holes healing
From the fight
Mud mixing with my blood



Sunday, July 6, 2014

It's Nothing

It's nothing
Not a thing
Just a thought
That perhaps
Leads to something
It's not a worry
It's simmering on curry
It's not hot
It's warm
Can't burn my tongue
So no caution the warn

It's nothing
Not a thing
But it's
Cooking
Into something

What Can I Do For You?

Step in my
Sunday soda shop
Sit at the counter
Tell me what you want
A sweet, hopeful confection
with a cherry on top?
You're tired
Maybe a dream
with a zesty zing
Perhaps you're undecided
So I prepared both
A big dream hope float
Go ahead
Relax
Swing your legs all carefree
The fan is breezily buzzing
It's just you and me
No
You don't have to hurry
Or order it all
Don't worry
You'll soon return to
Life's mall
Just relax
Forget the suffering succotash
Tell me
What can I do for you?

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Silver and Gold

Silver and gold
All the passion's hold

Silver and gold
Jeweler's mold

Silver and gold
Shining bright

Silver and gold
Silver and gold
Watch it shine

Silver and gold
Silver and gold
Gonna make it mine

Mining these hills
For the
Lovely frills

Silver and gold
What truth
Do you hold

Take me to the river
Sift through your sand
Mud in my hair
Mud in my hand
Silver and gold
Take hold

Silver and gold
Silver and gold
For a simple girl
Such as me
Raking
Not taking
Simple sifting
Silver and gold
Silver and gold
Take hold

Take me to the river
Sift through your sand
Silver and gold
Silver and gold
Take my hand


1 a.m. Again

Waiting for the verse
So I sit and hold your hand
Such a comforting feel
A little time to steal
The clock is ticking
And I don't give a damn
I'm here
And so are you
It's 1 a.m.
There's heartfelt
Things to say
Just won't wait
My pillow is a
Patient maiden
Tuck-point cotton
Fluffy
A pillowcase of dreams
Sandman is visiting another
It's 1 a.m. and this verse
Has something to say
Just wait
Stay.

Strangled Voice

The strangled voice
Needs time to sing
Constricting hands wrapped
so tight around the jugular vein
The strain
when first the words come out
A gross comparison to what it was
To what it could be
The bruises faded
The line inside so tender
Needing time to render

Shall it be a bluesy note
Guttural
Deep within
Shall it be a soprano
Tender and sweet
Maybe an alto to
carry the tune from behind
Never mind
She wants to sing
And that's all that matters

Practicing the notes
All alone
Until she gets it right
Her voice will surely
take flight
It's becoming recognizable
With a new tone
A strength
From the scars
that would heal
Outside
Inside

She'll sing with an ease
God
Just give her time
She'll sing in her car
as she travels far
Because now she can
A strangled voice
with the choice
To sit behind the curtain
Or step out on the stage
Bright lights blinding
Crackling with feeling
You'll hear her

Metered Steps

The black sparrow
Lands on the pavement
With an exclamation
Screaming sirens
Feet pausing on the steps
He knows
His time is measured
The sparrow stays silent
No more warning

Friday, July 4, 2014

These Are The Days

These are the days
Of laughter and ease
Watching a million stars
Feeling the warm breeze
The delight in his eyes
Seeing fireworks for the
First time
Each blast marking our
Beginning
We're not at the bottom
We're winning

These are the days
Of planning and dreaming
Such expectation
Our cup is teeming
Kisses to his brow
We're on our way
Now.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Quiet Reflections

     I sat at the kitchen table while Tot watched Sponge Bob.  Clearing my head as he is just getting over a cold and feeling sick.  Anyway, I was on Pinterest - browsing and pinning inspiring pins and making it a point of not thinking.  I stumbled on Holocaust pins.  I have always felt a connection to the Holocaust.  I've read and collect several books that are so heart wrenching and inspiring.  I started to feel guilty at having this connection with them - the survivors.  Then I started to really think about it.  It's so easy for the human spirit to be ripped apart, shredded, and nearly deleted.  I looked at my own spirit's journey and how long it took to finally find her after finding escape and safety.  I looked at the isolation I surrounded myself in and sometimes fall back on like a warm blanket on a cold, dark night.  I looked at the mental, spiritual, and psychological effects left over.  I looked even closer at the psychosomatic physical effects the mental and verbal abuse had on my body; effects I'm still healing from.  It took no time at all for any of it to take place and start showing its ugly effects. 
     As my journey is about to gloriously come to a close, there are those that are just starting.  Some will never find the courage to begin and others won't even have that option as their life is ultimately deleted.  I think about my ex moving on after having found his next victim.  She won't listen to me even if I tried valiantly to explain my experience.  I just pray that by some stroke of luck she stumbles on the idea of investigating me.  I pray she Google's my name and reads my blog.  I pray, on that day, she decides not to be a victim. 
     Sometimes I do travel back.  Not as far in as to cause myself spiritual harm - just far enough to remind myself how far I've come; how much I overcame to get to this point.  The only way domestic violence will end is if the survivors continue to shed light on the subject.  So today I pray.  And sit in quiet reflection. 

Saturday, June 28, 2014

I Own It

I dried my tears
On the steps to
The courthouse
My heals stomping
Firmly planting
All the planning
My life in a file
I own it

Times I wanted to scream
I remember the scheme
The thick plot
A cauldron burned hot
Forging a scrap into steel
I would not be the last meal
I would show up
Every single time
This life is mine
I own it

My file's now buried
Amidst the dusty new
Some will give up
But there will be a few
Who will stand up
Show up
Own it

Ravaged Soul

I remember
Sitting in the darkness
Without a hand to hold
You drifted in
Like the wind
Held my hand
Late night talks
Careful walks
Through my cavernous
Ravaged soul
I told you all
I had nothing to give
This you would forgive
I felt the window open
With a sliver of light
Pouring through
My nothing shining
It didn't look so bad
I started to forget I was sad
A friend in the dark
Letting me cry
Until my soul would
Feel a spark
Come alive
Survive
Thrive

Carry On

Suitcase full of
Dreams and hope
A toothbrush and
A bar of soap
I got up today
I got dressed
I was such a mess
But I walked like
I knew what I was doing
Forgetting the judging hearts
That are always suing
I looked out the window
Forgot about my pillow
Carry on

Here's to You & Me

We made it through
The harsh reality
Survivors of the storm
Slayers to the norm
Walking our path
Outside the lines
Cutting away vines
Roses without thorns
Searching out every
She who mourns
Lifting her up
Filling the cup
Hand in hand
In hand
Far from the barren land

Pawn Shop Diamonds

It was in the
seedy part of town
And I was going down
with the ring in my pocket
How much for this
worthless trinket?
and dank and dingy inside
Where lost souls could run
and hide
I plucked the ring outta my pocket
Diamonds lost their shine
It was no longer mine
$200.00 prize
No real surprise
I took the money
Walked outside
Thankful that the bad spirits
Trapped inside the stones were
Now trapped under glass
Out of my pocket
No longer
Second class

Friday, June 27, 2014

Cowgirl Up

Shoot 'em up
Watch the dust
Settle
It's a trivial pursuit
Watching
The cantankerous cowboy
Stroll in like he owns my town
I'm grabbing my guns
You're going down
It's the way I was taught
A hard fight fought
Is a hard fight won
I want to be the one
Shining in the sun
But if I shoot 'em all up
Who's there for
This Buttercup?
A sly smile
Ok
I see it
I don't believe it
The gentleman hand
Now that
I can stand
And second guess
My final stand
With my guns in my hand

Lock and Load

Click, Click
I see you standing there
Pull
I'll shoot before you do
Before I hear the thunder
Of your denial
It's a lusty
Dusty
Trial
Click, click
Think quick
Pull
The sound of the hammer
I want to see a stammer
Not mine
Click, click
My hand's itching
Waiting for your bitching
Pull
The stance so strong
It can't go wrong
Click, click
Better run
Hun
Pull
I smile sweet
But I'm not innocent
Words
So maleficent
Click, click
Make your plea
We're not here
Having tea
Pull

Lone Sparrow

She flitted and flew
And on the sill
She sat
A life under brew
She looked
Right
Then she looked left
Her wings twitching
Anxious for flight

Sitting on the sill
The sparrow
Considers her path
Carefully weighing
The options
Doing the math

Razor Thought

Cutting
It cuts so deep
Yet I do not weep
It slices through
My cynicism
My cutting self image
The cutting scrimmage
A paper cut
I cannot forget
The bleeding
Thin red line of hope
I let
In
Under my skin
Ravaging thoughts
Scramble forward
Liking all the bleeding
I guess
Razor thought
Leaving the
Loveliest scar
By far

Consistency, Persistency

They sat down and had tea
Consistency and Persistency
Smiled at the appropriate time
Wiping their mouth with
Their linen napkin
The waiter was impressed
With their stylish dress
Nodding
And continuing their conversation
Eating a cupcake
Made with the
Sweetest persuasion

Steam Train Rolling

Come at me
In the cover of dark
Let me hear your
Mournful whistle
Grab my attention
Make me believe
That you're a
Steam train rolling
To my heart
Under my sleeve

Big Mouth Woman

I'm spilling it all tonight
My heart and spirit
Are having a fight
I'm telling you now
I don't know any other way
Let it all out
Come what may
I'm a big mouth woman
You can't shut me up
Scratching at the silk
In my coffin
Still babbling
At the gaits
I'll be rambling
So many times
Quiet
And good
And nice
Watch out
I'm thinking twice
Put me in a corner
Give me something to
Distract me
Doesn't really matter
I'll find a time you don't like
And turn the key
Unlocking the words
Waiting inside my mouth

Don't Listen To Me

Don't listen to me
I'm just babbling
Words falling off
My heart string
I suppose I don't know
Anything
We know that's not true
But everyone plays along
With the sorrowful hue
Yell at me
Tell me I'm crazy
I'll more than likely
Believe you

I Don't Care

I don't care
I don't care
Yet I'm sending up
My flair
I don't care
I don't dare
The heart can rip
It can tear
Oh, but I don't care
No, no, no
I don't care
I swear
I'm as wild as a hare
Sitting on her couch
In her trap
Her snare
I don't care
Shrug it off
Give me a throaty cough
And tell me I'm not insane
All these feelings insane
Wait
I don't care
Maybe you see it
Maybe you don't
Maybe you will
Maybe you won't
Dammit
Here I go
Going way down low
In my busty throw
Telling you things
I don't tell acquaintances
Take another sip
Of the sweet wine
Straight off the vine
And tell you
I don't care
But you're always there
So I share

Balancing Act

Walking the tight rope
A thin, thin line
A tethered string
So high
I could fall
Or I could fly
Toes curling around
The rope that leads my way
I see the other side
I see a better day
Terra cotta soil waiting
For my feet
My journey
Still not complete
I hold my breath
Don't look down
The raging river under me
And I don't want to drown
One step
Then another
Gentle the grasp
On the dreams
I don't want to smother
The rope is swinging
But I'm still walking
I've come so far
It's the hope
I'm stalking.

Hear My Call

I pushed you all away
The friends that wanted to stay
Just wait a minute
Just a minute
While I figure this out
My soul tends to shout
I don't want to hurt you
My spirit was black and blue
The bruises are healing
But
God they ran so deep
Turn away while I weep
My heart crying
Please don't go
I can't stand another woe
Hear my call
Before I fall