Blessed Mess

Blessed mess
Emotionally undressed
In the middle of a room
With people casually
Passing through
Too big
To be brushed
Under a rug

So I Told Her

She knocked on my
emotional door and I
answered without hesitation.
I presented my presentation
in the deadpan style I had grown
used to.  She sat so prim in her
wheelchair with her silvery perfect
hair; head bowed and occasionally
nodding.  I couldn't see her eyes -
the color of whiskey and aged
oak.  She wrapped the raggedy
facility blanket around her like
a mink cloak.  I ended and shrugged
my shoulders like shaking off heavy
boulders.  She looked up at me then -
her perfect face starting to cringe.
Tears welling up like someone had
finally let loose of the dam and decided
it was time for the river to flow freely.
Her perfect shoulders trembling as she
looked at me in disbelief.  God, how I
wanted to run after ruining her perfect world.
This perfect old girl.  She sobbed and nodded
her head once.  Her racking sobs quaked and
shook something out of me as I mumbled something
about regretting even telling her.  She raised a hand
as if God would somehow reach down and bless
us both.  She smiled and nodded again. 
Then she told me about her sister.  Her sister and
the awful emotional twister.  So I told her.  And
so she told me.  As we sat kicking our knee for the
sake of harmony.  There in a crowded gym.

I'm Gonna...

I'm gonna blast it out
  sometimes
Say things
  the wrong way
I won't always
  walk a straight line

I'm gonna do it
  my way
I know no other way
What else can I say?
No one gave me a
  hand book
    only a criticizing look
I'm gonna scream
  right when you
    you get used to
       my silence
I'm gonna
  sometimes
    shut you out
Because you're
  so damn beautiful
What the hell am I
  supposed to do
    with you?
I could put you on a shelf
  but you deserve more than
    than the gathering dust
If I keep you
   what then?
Will you break
  unexpectedly
Right when I get
  comfortable with
    playing with you?
I'm gonna
  silently
Wait
For the fall out
It's what I'm used to

I'm gonna hold on to
  every damn thing you say
Wondering why you stay
Pray
I'm gonna be needy
I'm fairly greedy
I'm gonna
  need a
Whole lotta reassurance
Emotional insurance
I'm gonna
  make you mad
I've been trained
Deep down
I think I'm stained
I'm gonna
  want you more than
I wanted anything in my whole life
I just know it.

You're A Pretty One

His confused eyes blinked with
reality.  Chatting about the love
of his life; his precious wife
of 65 years.  New grandchild's
milestone - his love shone.
He turned to
"Oh, but you're a pretty one.
Where's your husband?"  I laughed. 
Told him he was probably lost and
too damn proud to ask for directions.
He didn't laugh.  He stared and shook
his head.  The brevity.  My situation
hanging heavy once again.  Single mommy
diving in. 
"This world's a big, big place.  You need
more than a pretty face."
He hung his head to that and grabbed for his
nonexistent hat.  Scratching his head as if it
would make something happen.  I kept silent.
He looked at me with tears in his eyes.
"I know why but it's just sad.  Guys these days;
they just make me mad."
I hung my head to that
Scratching my own
Nonexistent hat.

Who Are You?

Who am I?
Who are you?
How do you do?
Tell me your story
Make me feel like I'm
Part of something
Give me that connection

Who am I?
I'm just a girl
Traveling my little
Part of this world now
I fell
I got back up
I fell again
I got back up again
Shut me out
Shut me in
Feeling the sunshine
The door's open

New Town

The side streets
  pock-marked and broken
  in odd places
Exit ramp
  up ahead
Steel sign glistening

In another town
  I've never been before
Shops hugging each other
  tightly
Manicured lawns

A man is manicuring his
  bushes
Cars streaming past
  only inches away
  and he's so intent in his work
  I feel as if I'm intruding
He doesn't notice
Hat askew
Wiping his brow
Looking for the next branch
  to trim

Pools are ready
Play sets newly built
  sitting pretty and new
  in the open backyard
So shiny
Empty
  next to the elementary school
  with the empty playground

An older woman is walking her dog
White, powder puff pup nods his head
She
The only one to wave
Making me feel welcome
This town
Is okay.

Dedicated Highway

It's a lonely stretch of highway
A sign baring the sisters' names
My mind bending to them
Moments leading up to the crash
Laughing, I'm sure
After a day with family & friends
Listening to their favorite tune
Life in their safe cocoon
All clear in front
No warning from behind
Sideswiped

The highway for 4 miles
Shut down on both sides
Hours spent
Relaying the message to
Parents caught unaware
No words can express
That kind of deadly share
Car unrecognizable
Indigestible
Incomprehensible

18 years
Gone
13 years
Wiped away
The only survivor of that crash
Dropped his cell phone
Of the important call
That needed to be made
While driving
That lonely stretch of road
That day
At that time.

*Dedicated to Jessica & Kelli Uhl.  Their last day on earth on IL interstate 64 the day after Thanksgiving 2007.

Listening

Sitting cross-legged
Letting the melody and
Words sink in
Getting lost in the
Thought of finding me
Verses spilling out
As the song plays
Stretching out
Letting things
Just fall in place
As they will

Listening to
Soft melodies
And the sound
Of my own
Heartbeat.

Back Road

I like taking the
Country road
Long and winding
The longest way
To clear my mind
Unwind
Folky, folk songs
Playing real loud
Sun finally coming out
From behind the cloud
Letting the wind
Blow through me
Until my restless thoughts
Settle comfortably
Into one streaming line
Off  the map
Just to see what's next
Always a surprise
Sun shining in my eyes

Critical Critique

Everyone's a critic
Such the awful cynic
Pointing a finger at me
At you
At everyone
Forgetting to include
Their own rightful
Wrongs
Stuck in the throngs
Of the fun of blame
Just not giving it the
Right name
Hypocritical shame
Making their list
Checking it twice
Never minding their
Naughty
Forsaking nice
Picking away at
Perfect imperfection
Until it becomes
Part of the norm
To the point
Perfect is part of
The fantasy
Unimaginable
Until
A voice rises up
Squeaking out
The right words
Pointing out
We're all wrong

Concrete Tales

Knees scraping concrete
Late bloomer
Learned to walk past the
Sidewalk chalk
By-passed crawling
Scooting along
Until my legs
Gained their strength
Hid my stumbles
From the audience
Closest to me
Kept the rock hidden
In my thenar eminence
Tucked my hand around it
Called it my own
The grain of sand
Blood dripping to the ground
Kept walking
Despite all the talking
Perfect
Perfect
Steps
Until I stumbled
Again
And again
Push
Pull
Took its toll
So I decided to roll
Warm concrete
Baking in the sun
I stopped for a moment
Scrapes along the way
Slowly healing
Feeling
Concrete
No longer concealing
Or paving over
Now it's part of the path.

Stirring the Pot

She thinks a lot all ready
She really doesn't need any
Help with that
Call to chat
Stir her pot
She mumbles her
Aggression then
Takes it back with
Regression
Oh, but go ahead
Stir her pot
Don't tell her anything
Positive
Talk about the things
She can't forgive
Fugitive
In her own mind
Right before she goes
To bed
Fill her head
With dread
I'm sure that'll help
Put it on a shelf
Wrap it up
Call back when she's
All alone
And drone
Over and over
About all the things
She hates
She waits
Stir
Sir


*I'm sure the conversation could've been more positive - since it is mother's day.  But he couldn't wait.  He had to call tonight and stir my mom up.  I just wish more people would be considerate and learn to keep their mouth shut when they can't say anything nice.  Maybe it's a lesson I also need to learn.  Life does have a funny way.  We can't choose our family.  All the more reason I'm with you now; my poets and friends.  Blood-letting.  Spilling my soul out on this page. 

You Take This One

I'll take a lot
but I won't take the
blame.
Doing the best I can;
spent some time in shame
but no -
I won't take the blame.
You take this one.
You can say you've won.
It's what you wanted and I'm
certain you've taken some things
for granted.
Heavy handed
Condescending
Blame game
I'm certain you
know the truth
but it's like a loose
tooth.
Ready to fall out.
At a time you never expected.
Who would've suspected.
You take this one.
It's not mine.

Louisiana Dreaming

She was far from her Louisiana home
and I wondered what brought her to the
Midwest facility.  She never did say.
She leaned on me.  Flaccid left side.
Rubbing her left hand like she was trying
feel the blood.  Rubbing until it went numb.
Occasionally she tapped her left leg and would
berate it.  Talk to it like it was an errant child
unwilling to wake up from a long nap.  I asked her
about her Louisiana home.  Could hear the hint of her
cool southern drawl comfortably ease out
like a warm blanket.  She talked so lovingly and
proud.  But her head was hung low.  She talked
real slow.  The southern belle was tired.  It was
well past her nap time but she was too kind to
tell me.  I laid her down and patted her left hand.
She closed her eyes and smiled her pirate smile.
Right side lifting up as I'm sure she was all ready
dreaming of the moss-covered trees.  The lilies.

D Hall

All their belongings
  downsized to one
  one night stand and
  1/2 small closet
  shared

Pictures of a lifetime
  scrapped down to
  just a few
  to explain a life
  in black & white
  in popping cards from
  grandchildren

One blanket and
  one favorite pillow
  name stitched unevenly
  on the frayed edges

Daytime and weekly
  schedule
  spelled out and sitting
  on the one night stand
  a life newly planned

She curled her hand around mine
  thin skin and purple veins popping
  my own preplanned schedule for her
  stopping

She looked out of her small window
  onto the little courtyard telling the
  story of the feisty cardinal and his
  lazy brother

Her eyes sparkled
  silently praying she could
  join them at will
  but it's not on her schedule
  and she forgot the code to the
  exit

She scratched her gray hair
  it was Saturday
  she looked at the schedule for shower
  Tuesday and Thursday
  the clock ticking a long
  lonely hour.

Soft Maple Home

The red haired woodpecker
chose his home with great care
all winter knocking on trees
frustrated and loud
quick, little knocks
and then he flew away.

I was doing dishes in my
most usual way
watching the bluebirds and
blue jays play.

The red haired woodpecker
was oblivious to it all
comfortable in his choice
back to the wind
lovingly looking in the
knotted hole he created
in the thick of night and
quiet morn
he found his home.

Soft maple with
nubby sprouts of leaves in
sporadic places
thick trunk and reaching branches
tuft of green on top
he knocked
turned and looked at the other birds
as if to say
this is mine
I am here to stay.

Here. Today.

It's been a long & winding road.  Changes happening in my lil ole world now.  Happy changes that have taken a while to come into fruition.  The biggest change was my job.  I'm still a physical therapist assistant but now I am working with a contract company that assigns me to jobs within a 40 mile radius.  I'm working on getting licensed in my home state to open up more job opportunities.  Moving to a contract company was not my first choice.  I typically hate change and resist it at all costs, but the life boat I was previously in had holes in it and I was sinking fast.  Survival kicked me in the ass & I had to find something fast!  The paperwork just getting the position was horrendous but I got it done.  Well.  I got it done at a snail's pace and thought many times of giving up.  (I despise paperwork, too).  My new job handled me with such care I thought there was a glitch in their system; a catch.  Nope. They patiently waited for me to finish my paperwork.  We exchanged more e-mails and phone calls than a hot, new teenage couple preparing to go to prom.  Paperwork was finally finished after 2 months of me dragging complete ass (excuse my language).  I went from full-time to per diem physical therapist assistant.  Which basically means I fill in for people that call in sick, pregnancy leave, or any staffing issue that calls for more workers.  Once a full-time position opens up, I will hop on it (but that will depend on the location and site). 

I could go into why I am now working with a contract company, but the main reason is a much needed change that came quite unexpectedly and without my forethought.  It's been a blessing in disguise.  I'm paid double what I was making at my previous employer.  I have more time with my son.  I have more time to write.  I'm starting to feel like 'me' again (that's still a work in progress).  I almost lost everything.  And I mean everything.  Put it this way, a year ago I was stressed beyond belief.  I was headed for a nervous break-down just 6 months ago.  I almost lost my only means of transportation twice.  My bank account was in the negative and bills just kept coming.  A letter in the mail that opened a financial blessing and I took a leap I never would have thought of taking a year ago.  If you're into playing poker, I put all my chips in and doubled down on a hand that most would consider a losing hand.  Then I waited.  And waited.  This is a fickle time in therapy world.  Nobody falls in the spring! Everyone is out starting and planning their fun-filled vacation to Disney World or Laguna Beach.  I put a hot-line of prayers out into the universe and seriously thought of cutting off all my hair.  I had the new job but no new job to go to.  I was getting sick of afternoon naps and eating bon-bons, to tell you the absolute truth.  So I kept a line open to my new employer (hounded them, really).  They answered with a job.  And another.  And another.  Finally!  The crack in my car's windshield from 2 years ago finally got fixed.  I bought my clown car 4 new tires.  She sparkles (kinda.  If you squint.  She needs a bath again). 

Other changes out on the hopper...2 of my poems were published.  Not just on my blog or on Twitter.  Published.  I'm really excited about that.  I needed that sweet little boost and now a new publisher has caught my eye and I will be hounding them relentlessly in the very near future.  I'm compiling my poems and planning to have them published but I want to do this right.  I won't be self-publishing.  I don't have the time.  That, and there are just too many risks in self-publishing.  This single mama has had enough drama and I really like the idea of sitting in my jammies - emailing my poems to potential publishers to get my name out there.  I have never heard of a chap book until this year and the idea is comfortably rolling in my head of starting a chap book to get the ball rolling.  I find it all fun.  Send me to Michael's for the day to buy pens, markers, watercolors, paint, brushes, journals...and I'm a happy girl.  Let me stay up late to get the creative juices flowing to art journal, write, or listen to my music with money in the bank and my Tot sleeping soundly.  That's what I've been wanting for a long time. 

Yes, the court dates are still there.  Although, I haven't been to a hearing since January.  I feel a very big and positive change in this arena, as well.  My ex is winding down and getting tired and the court is getting tired and I just keep getting stronger and stronger.  My energy is coming back in small, manageable portions.  I no longer feel like I'm walking around in a fog.  I'm getting a big handle on my emotions and how to deal with changes in my life.  That's important.  Life will always change and I was forced to change with it.  I could've resisted it and it would've been very easy to resist because it wasn't easy.  Ain't none of it's easy.  If I would've resisted it all, I would've missed the blessings.  If I looked at each change square in the middle instead of keeping my eye on the horizon, I would've fallen again.  That's unacceptable.  I teach people to walk, dammit! So.  Here I am. Walking.  Here.  Today. 

Winding Path

The path is rocky
  snaking and twisting
Follow me
  and you'll surely
    lose your way
Trees open up
  teasing
    opening up
In all directions

I
Myself
Cannot say
I'm lost

I'm simply
  stepping
    around shadows