It'll Only Hurt a Minute.. if that

Her eyes sparked and fired.  A boiling cauldron of emotion.  She hissed at me but I knew it wasn't directed at me.  I let her spew.  Words coming out few.  Little ears listening. 
"He didn't pick him up.  He didn't even call."  Ah-ha.  Now the crux of the problem came out into the light.  She was worried, of course.  How would this affect little Tot; a dad that doesn't want to be a dad.  She wanted his phone number.  I could see the fiery conversation she would have with him building in her head.  I fairly agree with her.  My mama.  Oh boy.  And then little Tot came totting up the steps into the kitchen as if he had just caught the monster.  He was so happy and proud.  He barreled towards me and wrapped his skinny arms around my legs and hugged me tight.  He likes hearing about where I work and what I do, so I took a minute to explain "why mommy has to work."  He smiled.  Hugged me tighter. 

Instead of talking to Mama directly, I talked to Tot.  "Look! Tot knows who loves him.  Who loves you, Tot?" Without even thinking for one second, he listed off his favorite people.  Not one of them being his daddy.  "Well.  Mommy's glad to see you here.  I missed you so much.  You had a fun-filled day.  Ain't nothing taking that away.  Right, Tot?" He nodded vigorously.  I could see Mama's eyes spinning in a new direction and she looked at me and smiled.  She tried to get his phone number again.  I completely ignored that.  Unabashedly. 

When Tot was downstairs, I sat with her.  Now we could talk.  I let her rant and say the same thing she has been saying from the very start of this from 4 years ago.  The "Doesn't he see what he's doing?" - to the "He should be ashamed of himself.  How can he even call himself a dad?"  I let her say that and more.  For God's sake, we all need to vent.  So she vented.  And then the blessed phone number perseveration.  Instead of talking like the Irish girl I am, I did something completely different.  I stared at her; stared until she stared back at me.  I held that stare.  I saw her look down like she was going to cry.  I felt her emotions.  I heard her mental chatter.  All of it centered around how Tot would react to *this*  situation.  Would he be okay, or would this mean the beginning of his eternal ruin?  I understand exactly where she's coming from.  How many times have I sat and cried with God about this very thing? Too many times to count to be quite honest.  I held up my hand and simply said, "It's only going to hurt a minute, if that. Tot sees and will continue to see who loves him.  I'm not going to let you waste a minute of your breath telling dear daddy your thoughts of him.  He won't listen and he doesn't care.  Our focus is Tot. I put this in God's Hands and this is the answer.  I trust it."  Basically saying, don't you dare mess this up!

That's the truth of it, friends.  It's only gonna hurt a minute.. if that.  Look at Tot and I.  I work as a contract therapist -- something I never foresaw for myself 4 years ago (and I'm loving it!) Tot.  Oh Tot.  He's growing leaps and bounds and I'm sure in 2 years he will be taller than me.  He knows about God.  He watches old movies.  He sings his little heart out and plays his guitar and acts out every scene in uncanny perfection to the movie King Kong.  I don't let my emotions get in the way of his love for his dad.  He loves his dad.  But I also know the boy who looks at me and suddenly says out of the blue "I don't want to see daddy anymore. He's sick." I don't disagree with him but I don't elaborate on that thought, either.  My job is to protect him and listen to him when he's confused.  When I don't have an answer, I don't cover it up with pretty talk that only serves to confuse him more.  It is what it is.  I simply say, "Mommy loves you.  Mamaw loves you.  Your uncles love you.  And you know your daycare friends love you.  No matter what happens, we'll be okay."  He accepts that.  He knows I don't have all the answers.  Keeping the line of communication open is so important to me.  I don't want him to internalize any of this.  Thank God he doesn't.  He's extremely vocal about all of this.  So yes.  He's going to be okay.  More than okay.  That boy is gonna shine, if I have anything to do with it.  So maybe, just maybe.. it won't hurt as much.  That's my prayer.  That it'll only hurt a minute.. if that.  The fact that Tot has a dad that simply doesn't care about being a dad hopefully won't play the most major role in my son's internal thoughts.  I can only pray.