My words don't come as easily now. I've taken a break for quite some time to make sense of all that's happening. Trying to please and appease. So I just stopped and thought about me. And of course, the other half of me. I watch Tot's milestones. It amazes me. It overwhelms me. I wish I could bottle up this all up; so I've been doing my best to savor every moment. 5am I hear his footsteps as I try to quietly get ready for work. So like me. Marching down the hall, plopping down on the couch - rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and not wanting to talk. Before we actually leave, he comes to me and simply holds his hands up. I scoop him up and take that moment no matter how rushed I may feel. His little arms wrapping around me tight - a kiss on my shoulder. His hugs saying a thousand things that words simply could not say; slipping away the worries of "Am I doing this right?"
My ex looks for every excuse to drop Tot off early or not see him at all. I once worried about that. No longer. Tot looks at me with a simple "Mommy" as he comes back home. It literally sounds like a sigh of relief. With the past quickly drifting away, I've taken a moment to just relish in that fact. As Tot demands "Take me home. I want Mommy." It's no longer "when Daddy picks me up", it's "If Daddy picks me up." I thought it would somehow damage him. I realize now it's the way it should be. No hard feelings. My fight is over. Almost, anyway. My sweet Tot still thinks I'm somehow going to leave him. Separation anxiety. I'm constantly reassuring him. The first 3 days of his precious life are stuck in my head. When it was just him and I. Moments he crawls in my bed when it's storming. Wrapping his body around mine like a vine. I have to laugh. He asked me just the other day if I was a princess. I said yes. "I'm Kinderella." His eyes widened and he smiled. He nodded as if his thoughts were somehow confirmed and slammed his dinosaur toys into the floor as an exclamation. We are here. We are surviving. Hello again.
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