Ask me...I'll tell you..

I never shy away from anyone's questions about my "situation." I would love it if someone would ask me how I would change the laws on Domestic Violence and violence against women.  I think it's asinine for our court system to expect the victim to sit next to her perpetrator in court during any and all court proceedings.  I feel it's a gross injustice the court sends me out at the end of the court proceeding at the same time they send my perpetrator out...both to walk to our car. Wouldn't it be better if the court allowed a 15 minute window to safely reach my car and leave the parking lot without fear of being followed? Yes, he knows where I live but during a heated debate involving visitation, I think safety should be the forefront in the court's handling / thoughts.  Sadly, it's not.  Ask me how I feel when the judge laughs and makes jokes right along with my perpetrator about future drug testing.  Nothing is funny about "my situation"-- especially while I'm sitting in a court proceeding deciding on the best and safest situation for my son.  Ask me how I feel when my ex husband, who took 18 months to even consider visiting with his son, hands over an anger management work book with a few scribblings; the judge smiling and sending him accolades.  Yes, it's very good he's trying.  However, if I were the judge in this case, I'd demand a workbook with proof from the anger management counselor that he is attending on a regular basis.  It's also very nice my ex is going to church.  He was able to show a post card with a message written by the minister.  A minister that quite frankly does not know him.  That being said, if I were the judge in my case I would be writing down the phone number of that minister and getting a schedule of my ex's religious counseling outlined for future reference. 

Ask me how I feel when my 3 year old comes home after visit "wired for sound".  Worst.  He comes home confused and frustrated.  He still can't put into words how he feels but he shows me.  It worries me.  Ask me how I feel about the court's demand for my son to spend the night with my abusive ex (a known drug user, as well) in the very near future.  I had to fight to get the court to consider having a social worker do a future home safety evaluation.  And I'm still fighting to remind the court that this is the only way I will feel halfway comfortable with an overnight visit.  Unsupervised.  In a known drug neighborhood.  Ask me how I feel about the court's refusal to have a social worker from the state to work with my ex and document his progress.  Isn't that what my (and your) tax dollars go toward?..at least a portion of it, anyway.  The judge in my case is "overly sympathetic to the financial responsibility of" my ex's ability to pay for future drug tests. That's all fine and dandy.  But how the hell is he able to pay for the crack he so desires? He gets that money very easily.  He's working...at least that's what he reports to the court.  This shouldn't be rocket science.  He's a known drug user whose drug of choice is crack cocaine.  Why do I have to demand a monthly drug test?  When, in fact, I would much rather see a bi-weekly drug test. When my ex openly laughs at me and claims he can go to Wal-green's and get a "piss test and piss in front of her if that'll make her feel better," my stomach churns.  The judge did not let that happen but the fact that these comments are allowed is completely unacceptable. 

Some say I should request a new judge.  I have.  The request was rejected.  At least my feeble request reminded the judge that this is very important to me.  My son's safety is in the forefront of all my thoughts.  At this point, I have been in and out of court proceedings for three long years with the same judge.  A new judge may only stall out any kind of progress that is hopefully happening right now.  One thing I am completely sick of hearing? "You are 1 in 500 cases." Tell that to my son.  Tell that to my family and friends who worry right along beside me.  Tell me that one more time and I'll tell you to shut-up.  My case is my case and it's #1 to me.  Period.  Yes, there are worst cases out there.  Yes. They are all important.  My judge seems to think it's important and the circuit clerk thinks it's important every damn time they send out a reminder of the next court date.  I am not a case number.  I refuse to be treated as such. 

First, and foremost, for me personally...I am a survivor.  I refuse to be treated as a victim.  The above suggestions should be standard proceedings in any and all domestic violence cases involving visitation between child(ren) and perpetrator.  I should be able to go into that court room with complete confidence my state is handling my case with respect, dignity, intelligence, and safety.  Not so much to ask for, is it? Yet, I have to ask for all the time.  Every single time.  And I'll keep asking / demanding this.