He knows the old me. The "me" that was scared to stand up to him and when I did, I quickly apologized. Over and over like a sad mantra. The "me" that would do anything to stave off a fight, a lecture, a word beating, or an emotional roller coaster. He learned all about me. He knew I avoided conflict and would put my all into anything I set mind to. He made it his mission to build me up and later tear me down. It nearly worked. I'm still the type of person that needs time to process new information. I like to evaluate and speculate before I speak. Knowing that, he would always break my train of thought; keeping me confused. Mind games. Emotional warfare that came unexpectedly. Preying on my internal process he viewed as a weakness. He treated me like an errant child; laughing at my fears of our broken relationship. Laughing at my sadness. Just another tearing down method of my self esteem that always made me second guess my "big ticket issues" with him. I would end up questioning whether I was really upset - "was he right? Was I making more out of this than was actually necessary?" These are the questions I would constantly ask myself. My internal battle. That was then. This is now. Now I'm away from his madness; his narcissistic mind that constantly demanded to be fed praise from a self-defeating partner.
Yesterday, he stood at my door. His smirk. His patronizing tone. I didn't yell. I kept my voice just loud enough that it forced him to listen. I laid out my issues. Pointed out my concerns and told him to stop. Told him. Never asking. Never apologizing. I have nothing to apologize for. Asking him to do the right thing is pointless. Telling him is much more efficient and effective. My tone held a warning. He has far more to lose than I even realize. He knows this. He laughed and like speaking to a child I simply told him the laugh was inappropriate. He continued some senseless conversation and I simply closed the door quietly and casually. My greatest victory, to date.
I have the choice. All of the choices, really. I can choose to argue with him and feed some of his psychological need to communicate with me in a negative way. Or, I can choose to end the argument. I can choose to remain stressed and have my hair fall out and spiral down in some pathetic sense of myself. Or, I can choose to keep calm - knowing this will all be over soon. I can choose to sit back and let him run his errant mouth and do his thoughtless deeds. Or, I can choose to continue to stand up to what I know is right. I choose my sanity. I choose my calm. I choose to stand up.
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