I've Come Too Far to Stop Now..and random thoughts

There are times, like now, when I want to just stop.  Tell the court, "Do what you will.  I won't be coming to any more of these hearings that take time out of seeing my son and work." I can't.  I can't do that.  I have come to the point where the judge actually respects me, no matter what my splintered thoughts may tell me.  There are a thousand things I can worry about.  I choose to hand it all over to God.  There is a reason this is all happening in the order it is happening.  My way isn't necessarily the best way.  God has a Plan.  I'm trusting that Plan.  In the meantime, I write to excavate my soul its ravaging thoughts. I pour my heart in these poems I write. Do you know, I started writing poetry when I was 6. Really got INTO it when I was 12.  Read Shakespeare and Walt Whitman when I was 14.  Dreamed of (and still do) being published every single day that I can remember.  It's not just a passion.  It is part of me.  It's my soul.  Somewhere along the line, I allowed other people in the past to cloud my view of myself; of what I knew was right for me.  I stopped writing poetry in my 20's.  I allowed it to leave.  Gave some hob-shob silly ass excuse and called it quits. Life works far more mysteriously than we even realize.  In the middle of my most traumatic storm, the words came back to me.  The dream..arrived so suddenly, it stunned me.

I slowly started writing again before I ever decided to leave my nightmare. I dabbled with beautiful words. Thought fantastic thoughts far beyond my REALITY. Strength kept building.  I started to read again. Sat down and actually enjoyed escaping in a good, take-your-breath-away book.  I started to actually fantasize what it would be like to be a mother.  I know that sounds strange.  I mean, an abusive marriage and I was fantasizing about bringing a little one into the mix? That's something I can't explain. The more I tried to push the thought aside, the more the fantasy played its fantastic mind images. My son's conception was nothing fantastic and no fireworks went off that night, that's for sure. I just know that as soon as it was over, I heard a voice inside me say "And so it shall be." I knew at that very moment I was pregnant.  Strange, right? It's true. My dreams immediately changed.  I was a mother in all my dreams. A happy mother.  My body started changing immediately. So there I was, in the middle of the worst possible life storm.  Pregnant.

I felt a calm surround me. The harshest words he sent me couldn't shake me. Nothing rattled me. I no longer cared if he stayed out all night and all the next day. I stayed calm to keep my baby safe. I hummed.  Thought about my future. And when the day arrived for my son to be born into this world, I knew there was nothing in this world that could stop me from keeping him safe. I raged back home to my family in the middle of the night and my greatest blessing started at that moment.  I was free from the relentless criticism.  I  was free from the verbal onslaught.  I no longer had to worry about the physical abuse. It was far from over, but I felt very liberated at that very humbling moment.

I started doing the things I enjoyed.  I found myself laughing again. Even though the sound of my own laughter sounded strange at first, the point is, I laughed.  I talked to friends and family.  Told them everything I would allow myself to tell (which was a lot).  I talked to God. Not just prayed to Him. I talked with Him. I decided to dig down deep, find the root of my own problem, and fix it before it could happen again.  My self-esteem was in the bottom of the toilet.  I had to fix that.  I did a lot of positive self-talk. Slowly, but very methodically, changed my way of thinking.  I couldn't fix him.  I could only fix what was broken inside of me. 

To some, it may sound silly. To the poets of the world, it sounds normal and healthy...I found my poetic words again. That is my greatest joy, besides being a mother. I have a voice.  No matter how slow the court is, I know they're taking this seriously.