Update

I've always been here, of course.  But I've hidden myself away.  Healing comes in stages & insomnia still claims to be my best friend.  Depression comes, too.  I was in a ragged state not so long ago.  Barely enough sleep to even define it as sleep.  Going through the motions like a robot.  So tired all the time.  Thank God for my poetry, or I'd be in a padded room right now.  As far as the insomnia goes, it's ok.  It's getting better.  I always did like writing at night.  Taking the observations of the day and spilling them in poetry or my journal during the comfort of the night - nothing is more relaxing. 

I'd like to report that my journey is almost complete.  Tis not.  The court dates loom over my head but the power they once had over does not.  I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Sad that that light must come from my tiny tot telling me that he "Doesn't like visiting daddy."  He still goes because he feels compelled.  I know.  He's only 3 (almost 4).  He's my emotional introvert (so much like me!)  He'll keep going until I say he doesn't have to or when he decides he's had enough.  And knowing him, if I said he didn't have to, he'd decide to go.  I'm not sure that makes sense but I understand it.  He sees good daddies and that's what he wants - a good daddy. 

Since I'm regurgitating here, I might as well spill it all.  My ex is prone to ending the visits early or picking him up late.  3 years and there's still no bond.  I've limited my contact with my ex to the point that I don't even look him in the eye during the pick ups / drop offs.  Absolutely no texts and when he does send  the occasional text, I immediately threaten police or to block his calls.  The threat of police pretty much does the trick.  He's a narcissistic sociopathic abuser, though, so he has a lot of tricks.  The last in his arsenal is changing Tot's clothes and holding the clothes Tot originally wears  to the visit hostage.  It's so childish but he also knows it annoys me to no end; made me angry for a while.  Now? I don't say anything.  I keep the clothes he's changed Tot into.  Sure enough my ex will blast me verbally like he has in the recent past.  Well.  I threw away one shirt he dressed Tot in and I threaten to burn the clothes I now am holding in hostage.  It's a game.  A sick game.  And the only thing that seems to work is when I go ballistic & react crazier than he expects.  He'll tire of this new game.  He does not protrude a sense of stability in anything in his life. 

Probably half of you are scratching your head wondering what I'm babbling about and may even think it doesn't sound as bad as I make it seem.  I'm fine.  I think the survivors out there reading this really understand what my point is.  It's a long process once the divorce from a narcissistic sociopathic abuser is final.  A long, arduous process until the abuser decides the game is no longer fun and he finds his next victim.  I'm hoping there is some survivor / victim reading this and realizes it is worth leaving your abuser.  Maybe my rambling isn't rambling and I'm pointing out all the games the abuser likes to play.  Nothing a normal person would do, that's for sure.  It's all about eliciting some kind of emotion from their supposed victim.  I say "supposed" because I don't see myself as a victim.  Abusers don't see the "survivor".  They could care less.  They like victims.  Victims cry and hide and are afraid of speaking up against their insanity.  Survivors tell them to f--k off and hang up the phone and later remind them to their face that the police are only a phone call away.  Of course, it doesn't hurt in my case to remind him that this is still a felony charge.  The court allowed him to be free on his own cognizance.  I have 2 police reports filed since my divorce became final.  I'll never grow tired of reminding victims / survivors that the official police report is the best weapon in extreme circumstances. 

So now that I take myself out of the sick game he has been demanding on playing for almost 4 years, there leaves an empty shell of a bond between son and father that is supposed to have been forming the entire time.  It has not.  I'm not even worried at this point what the court might decide.  An overnight visit is stressful for me to think about but I have planned out my discussion with the judge well in advance.  I am making all the necessary adjustments and preparing for them accordingly.  It's a balancing act and I'm trying to find balance and harmony. 

I'll remind everyone - I'm in a much better place now.  Life has thrown me some curve balls recently but even that's a blessing.  My son had been experiencing a severe case of separation anxiety.  I have the time now to nurture that.  It's hard.  Really hard.  But I'm monitoring my own emotional response and helping to balance it all.  It's working.  Tot went to bed tonight at 8:30 pm instead of 10:30pm.  His emotional outbursts are still happening but I'm helping him through that.  Tot is so amazingly strong.  He started going to daycare when he was 12 weeks old and first saw his dad under strict supervised visits which lasted for a year.  His sweet little mind is trying to make sense of it all and it just doesn't add up.  It never will.  That's the part that breaks my heart.  My ex can do anything stupid to me but there's also Tot involved here. 

God opened my time in the most unusual way and I'm not questioning His reasoning.  I'm taking it as a necessary blessing and soaking up His message.  I was close to a nervous breakdown only months prior.  Tot would've needed counseling. Our bond is only getting stronger. 

I'll leave you with this.  A week ago I worried what effect all of "this" would have on Tot and I started spiraling down a rabbit hole of more worrisome thoughts.  Tot was playing by himself with his toys and trucks (playing by himself for the first time).  He saw me, I sat down, he ran up to me.  Cupped my cheeks in his sweet little hands and said "Mommy.  I am so proud of you.  I really love you."  My worries immediately melted away. 


*I haven't checked for errors.  Ignore the typos if there are any.  It's late and I'm finally, blessedly tired.