Litmus Test

My warrior lawyer said it best, "It's a test the court must do.  They won't know the results until the litmus paper is dipped in the chemical..."  The litmus paper being my son and the chemical my ex.  I sound cynical here.  Truth be told, I'm tired of being cynical and anxious and angry.  Maybe everything will turn out all right.  January will bring forth more answers.  Time for me, personally, to meditate and pray.  At this very moment, I feel as though everything will work out so much better than I expected.  I have my days, but right now, I feel relaxed.  I've worked hard to get to this point.  Many times I thought of giving up.  Came dangerously close to shutting down both mentally and spiritually.  Tonight, however, I'm reminded of the time I first found out I was pregnant.  So many people around me said it would never happen.  My little mind kept imagining my baby, though.  So on a Saturday night, much like tonight, I locked myself in a tiny bathroom and performed my own litmus test.  Never mind that the 20 previous litmus tests all came back astoundingly negative. That night was special.  I almost threw the test in the trash before the results were complete.  And then, there it was.  A faint, blue line.  Vertical.  Positive.  The dreams leading up to that moment all made perfect sense.  So much like they do now.

I study my dreams like a meteorologist studies isobars and cumulous clouds.  My dreams are so positive now.  Vivid and in color.  No more black and gray (for the moment).  My near future is happy.  Better than I could even dream about.  I wake up now with a sense of hope.  I'm not too selfish to say, I need a lot of hope right now.  Some dreams are so vivid, I have to actually remember this life I'm living in right now.  The fact that they're coming more frequently now is just beautiful to me.  On days where like last week, where I was lost in some kind of despair I can't even put into words, I remember my dreams.  It inspires a lot of my poetry.  Which opens the door further.  Because you see, my dear friend reading this lil ole blog of mine, in my dreams I'm also talking to editors and publishers and hammering out a book deal that will blow your pretty, little mind.  Don't think for a minute I'm sitting idly by on this in my waking moments.  All things coming in patient moments.  The waiting well worth it.  So.  Here I go.  Patiently waiting the moment.  Praying for only the best.  My son is thriving.  I don't think there's anything that can stop that.  Not while I'm alive.