The Letting

3 years.  How much more can I take?  Quite a lot, it seems because it still goes...and goes.  The letter came in the mail last week.  Bold type this time, so I wouldn't miss its point "We are reviewing this case in detail for a pending overnight stay.." I frankly stopped reading and threw that blasted letter away.  I panicked.  Found my son playing innocently in the living room.  Banging trucks and making highways with cardboard pieces.  He looked up at me and smiled so sweetly.  My heart jumped and melted all at the same time.  The court is letting my ex trial an overnight stay. An ex with an abusive past, a current drug addiction, and an unstable emotional stance on life, overall.  The court is reviewing the "importance" of further future drug testing. Migraines and nightmares started immediately after receiving that letter. My son's safety is in judicial hands that blindly trust the outcome will be an outstanding success.  I, on the other hand, have my well reasoned doubts.

January is the next court date.  Time for me to prepare mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  That court document made me feel abused all over again.  I have to get my thinking straight if I'm to move forward.  From the court's stand-point, "He never abused your child."  Then there is all the fine proof of his anger management classes.  Excuse me if I sound a little bitter here.  One workbook with a couple of sentences written about how he feels better about the world does not, in my mind, mark him as healed.  The court simply does not know him like I know him, or how my son is beginning to know him.  No he is not physically abusive to our son, but he has an abusive tendency.  Tendencies which stretch further than merely physical.  My son is 3.  And he's all ready beginning to see. 

My tot is bumbling and happy.  He says please and thank you and gives hugs to make the boo-boo's go away.  He's smart.  Very inquisitive.  And he remembers minor details that surprise me, given his young age.  Once a week for 6 hours my son visits with ex.  At the start of the unsupervised visits one year ago, tot handled everything exceptionally well.  That was, unfortunately, a short time. He quickly transitioned into questioning, worry, anxiety, even anger.  Now?  Now is even worst.  He comes home quiet. It takes a little while before I can get him back into his comfortable routine.  It's a blessing that he can now talk to me about the visits.  The most I can get out of him is that he's not allowed to really be "him." Play time is different.  Reprimands are different.  He's dropped off at grandparent's house once in a while during these visits while "Daddy drives errands."  They sit and watch T.V.  So, basically, my tot is bored.  No big deal, right?  I question where the bonding is in all this.  My son does too.  Often.  He questions everything, as any normal 3 year old would. 

So the overnight will happen.  And I will let them...after I am assured there will be routine drug tests.  At least for however long the court deems appropriate.  I do have a say in this and I will stand up for the safety of my son.  I've skimmed over details about my ex because I'm pretty much numb to all of it right now.  I know him.  The court has no clue.  Not like I do.  I don't want my son to see the worst.  To be exposed to an environment where I won't be immediately at hand to help or quickly protect him.  It's this final "Letting" stage that is tearing me up right now. But as one lawyer explained to me "You have to let it happen.  The court needs to test how both your son and ex will react to an overnight stay."  Her advice and encouragement stay with me and keep me strong.  Along with a select few friends who are emotionally strong enough to let me completely vent and tell them all the gory details.  That lawyer understood my stance in this.  She, herself, was in an abusive relationship and had to face the very same thing I am facing now.  Like they say, you will never completely understand unless you actually lived it.  So what did SHE do?  She let it.  She let the visits become more and more extended.  She let the overnight stay happen.  She let it all sink in that, sometimes, we don't get to control all aspects of things we most want to control.  She understood my fear of letting my son stay with my abusive ex.  She basically told me how I would spend that night.  "You're not going to sleep.  You will stay close to phone and worry uncontrollably.  Let it all happen.  Roll with your emotions but stay strong.  And demand a phone call before your son goes to sleep that night.  You want to be able to hear your son's voice for possible changes...fear, anger, etc.  Voice inflections that are not normal for your son."  So I will do that.  All of it.  Demand further drug tests, demand a final phone call to say good night to Tot;  demand the court to respect the precarious balancing act this really is.  It's not just me that must go through all of this emotional warfare.  Now it's my son.  It's always been my son, but now he's really blossoming and soaking in more information. 

And still I want to cry.  I want to be able to promise my son that everything will be all right and I simply can't.  My ex will never be dependable.  Not emotionally, or otherwise.  This, I have learned.  The hard way.  This is what I don't want my son to learn.  It's a lesson no child should have to face.  It goes much deeper than me not being able to tuck him during that overnight stay, or kiss his cheek and hum a lullaby.  It drives deep into the heart of me.  Will he be safe?  Will ex be able to handle Tot's crying?  Will he be able to handle the emotional outbursts?