Important Conversation

     Ok. So my brother had Tot downstairs.  This is visitation day.  Everything gets kind of jumbled, crazy, hectic, and a little frustrating on visitation days. We tend to get caught up in our own frustrations.  My brother had a frustrating moment with Tot.  I won't go into details - the details are rather minor.  It's the conversation that followed that hold the key here. 
     Coming up the steps with Tot, Tot blurted out "I don't want to go.  I don't want to see Daddy." He wasn't immediately forthcoming in his reason so I gave him a moment to think while I also thought of how I should handle this.  I was all ready preparing to discuss some important issues with my ex in regard to his conversations, actions, and overall tone of voice while visiting with Tot.  My mind was full to the brim with the inner mental dialogue.  But Tot's statement took precedence, as it should.
     After a little coaxing, he explained how "Daddy makes me cry."  Again, I won't go into detail.  The crying part was enough for me.  Once upstairs, I said loud enough for my brother to hear "Mommy will take of this.  I need to talk to daddy, anyway.  Don't worry.  No one wants to see you cry."
    
     In my house, telling someone to do something is pointless.  Asking for help may not always get the desired and positive result.  So I took the winding back road, if you will, and waited to see if my brother would jump into action like I wanted him to do.  I wanted him to take Tot back downstairs and reinforce a positive, loving atmosphere while I took a moment to talk to ex about my rising concerns with the visits thus far.  My plan worked.  My brother came back upstairs calm as can be and casually took Tot back downstairs - both laughing and quietly watching an old Henry Fonda black & white movie. 

     Ex came on time and I stepped out on the porch.  The jist of the conversation went a little like this:

"I want to discuss an important matter before I let this visit continue. No more soft punches.  No more good punches.  No more punches of any kind.  No more showing Tot boxing gloves and from now on, you're going to be very careful about what you say to Tot and how you say it.  No more telling him that you don't like me.  I don't care whether or not you like me.  I prefer it if you don't.  Tot cares and he's my only concern here.  Your job is to bond with him and provide a positive atmosphere.  You're going to watch his face and mannerisms and be very in tune to his needs.  You're going to work harder and better on the potty training.  Technically, we have until he's 5.  His little mind is flooded right now.  He is going to daycare, preschool, home, and with you.  He has me, my mom, my brother, and you (all with different mindsets on basic childcare).  We all need to work together or this simply won't work.  Get your act together and step up to the plate.  Tot will not keep coming home telling me he doesn't want to see you.  I don't have to tell you anything else.  Just fix it or I will."

     I walked back in the house, put Tot's coat on and the visit commenced.  The interesting part was that I was able to relay my conversation with both my mom and brother.  I mention this because it is so easy for me to forget that it is easier for them to separate themselves from my situation.  But here's the thing - they're not separated from it.  They're just as much a part in Tot's life as I am. 
     I offered them a tiny window in my everyday thought processes and concerns.  Much of what I discuss here in this blog was laid out on the table before my family in a matter of minutes and that only is a tiny view of the iceberg I'm dealing with, but they understood.  Compassion and respect.  I hail from a very loud German/Irish family and I just might be the quietest one.  I'm an introvert but God help me if I tell them that.  It would turn the conversation into a hailstorm of misunderstanding and questions that I personally don't feel the need to explain.  I did explain to my ex that Tot is also an introvert "Not shy.  He's very intelligent and processes everything he sees and hears.  It may take days for him to bring up an issue.  He's perseverating on all the negative things now and I want to fix this and focus on the positive from now on."
     I don't leave myself out of this conversation.  It's very frustrating for me at times.  It's so easy to revert back to the dysfunctional life my family is used to (they are loving but love has so many meanings for different people).  There was a verbal battle last week that neared World War 3.  In it, I blurted "Love? You guys have a funny way of showing it sometimes." My mother can be rather critical.  Ever since then, my mother has been different in her conversations with me; a more positive approach, on her part.  I don't always recognize that & sometimes I lash out at her.  Now I want that to change.  If I'm asking her to be more positive and considerate - then I, myself, must do the same.
     My brother is of the mindset that all of this is easy for me.  Today's conversation opened his eyes to the struggle.  The court dates.  The planning ahead what my abusive ex might say or do next and always preparing for every situation so that I'm not caught off-guard.  And my main concern of creating a better life for Tot.  Again, I take my own advice.  My conversations with my brother can at times be tense.  How I choose to react to any situation is completely up to me.  If I want to create a positive, better life for my son, I better choose my future reactions wisely.  Tot listens to and processes everything.  It's so easy for me to become overwhelmed and lose control, as it is for all of us.  Much harder to think about the things that come out of my own mouth and how I react to my environment. 
     A year ago, I was not able to focus on any one thing.  Today, my focus is more refined and concentrated.  I'm happy about that.  This may not make any sense to you, or it may make perfect sense.  I'm not a perfect parent but I want to get better.  I will always strive to be better. 

     Tot has had to learn a lot at a fairly young age and he's been forced to learn it quick, just due the nature of these visits.  He's gone to daycare since he was 12 weeks old.  Woke up with me at 4:30 in the morning many times and rolled through the start of the day without complaint (most of the time).  He's struggled with separation anxiety, settled back into a normal routine, and reverted back into separation anxiety all over again.  He stopped stuttering a year ago but it's back in full-force now.  No I won't spend money on a speech therapist.  This is a sign of low self-esteem.  A need of more reassurance that everything will be ok.  It will.  It will take time, but it will all be ok.  One would think that since I'm an introvert I would automatically know how to "fix" his introvert nuances.  So not the case.  I will say at least I'm aware of it. I can try different tactics that my own family never tried with me.  Of course, growing up in the seventies I doubt anyone knew the term "introvert" or how to manage it.  I will not and do not use that as an excuse.  I am aware of it.  That's really all that matters.  It is extremely hard to potty train him.  He's an extremely quick learner and loves learning but he has so many different adults telling him how to do one thing.  The "sit down" method vs the "standing up" method, for example.
     Patience.  It is such an important virtue.  I'm learning to be more patient with myself and with Tot.  Seeing the world through his eyes helps me help him.  It helps me with the goal of becoming a better parent.