Release Me!

I sent my message out to
the Universe; the Great Power
of the all-knowing.  A thin band
of the remaining bonds floating
out in front of me.  The answering
nightmare shocking but only
temporary.  At least I knew
it was only a dream.  Relinquishing
control, I screamed.  Awakening
with the knowledge - it is all
up to me.  Holding onto trust.
Holding onto faith with a
firm grip.
Continuing.

*I never asked God in a conscious, verbal form to "release me."  Yesterday I sat on the couch; Tot being beautifully distracted by the playful environment of daycare.  I consciously and verbally spoke with God to release us.  To take us away from the continuous negative influence of a haphazard soul who calls himself a daddy.  My emotions coiled and blistered.  I gave it over to Him and took a nap. 

The dream started with my ex in my driveway; hood of his car popped open.  He got out with a smile I knew didn't reach his eyes.  I stepped out on the porch. Hesitant and knowing not to go any further but my dream feet slowly proceeded further out onto the porch and then onto to concrete pad of the driveway.  I was strong in my voice as I told him "I can't help you.  You're going to figure this out on your own."  I turned away from him at that point and knew to quickly get back into the house. My feet were leaded.  I wanted to run but my muscles were heavy and I proceeded in slow motion.  Panic overwhelming me.

It was at that moment I realized I was dreaming.  Having a nightmare and that I had to quickly stop it.  It continued on and I was trapped in the forceful grab of him as he came up from behind, laughing.  His intent clear.  He was going to rape me.  I screamed and made every attempt to stop him.  He kept laughing and continued groping.  A mantra started in that space between the dream realm and reality, "This is only a dream.  Calm down.  Count to 10.  Open your eyes."  The nightmare was fading out but it was continuing, all at the same time.  I thought about my friends.  I thought about my family.  I called out the name of my trusted friend and the dream immediately ended.

I pay attention to my dreams - especially the vivid dreams, such as this one.  They hold meaning.  I came away with the feeling that my real-life struggle with my ex would continue but that I hold the key to how that affects me.  I can control my thoughts.  And now I can control some of my dreams / nightmares.  I can let it continue in my waking life by continually worrying about it or I can focus on creating a positive environment for my son and myself.  I choose the latter.  I have a few trusted friends I can call upon for additional help and I am getting better at asking for help.  In short, I came away with an overall positive feeling despite the extremely negative picture the nightmare painted.  God's answer to me meant that I am continuing to heal and that I'm on the right path. 

I don't underestimate anything my ex-husband thinks he may be capable of.  The nightmare is also cautioning me to become more aware of my environment.  So back to changing my driving routine and I will choose a different route to daycare each day from now on.  My ex-husband may or may not want to change for the better.  My focus will remain on maintaining harmony - both internally and externally.

The nightmare coming immediately after my 3 yr. old son relayed the message from his last visit with his dad.  Now I am focusing with microscopic precision on maintaining harmony in my son. His tender, young emotions are exposed now.  It's my job to maintain a semblance of innocence while maintaining honesty and trust.  Protection always the concrete foundation.